One of my favorite dildos — which was tragically discontinued years ago — has risen from the dead! Once known as the Tantus Splash, it’s now called the Magma and comes in a softer silicone. Hopefully I can still feel those stimulating drips! Our old friend the Hitachi Magic Wand is getting another iteration, and my vulva is flushing with excitement! It’s called the Magic Wand Plus, a corded vibe with a smooth silicone head and the same settings as the Magic Wand Rechargeable, finally at a lower price point. YES YES YES. Dame, the company responsible for the nightmare that was/is the Eva, has released the kind of toy I suggested people buy instead of the Eva: a simple, compact . . . read more

Before we give the middle finger to 2018, please come along with me on a romp through the year in my life and sex toys! It was a year of low-key shenanigans: I pulled off a viscous yet glittery April Fools’ prank, attended a few sex parties, started keeping a journal again, took a cute romantic trip, read a lot of smutty fan fiction, watched a ton of CockyBoys, and went to amateur porn film festival HUMP! twice — once with my mom. (She loved it.) I said goodbye to my sweet 17-year-old kitty and healed my soul with some much-needed Melissa Etheridge. Most importantly, I started therapy — a milestone that feels like it will be relevant for years to come. . . . read more

You could almost hear the collective groan from the entire sex toy industry when LELO announced the Sona. After an insufferable year and a half of HEX HEX HI HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT OUR HEX, this is what they released. This is the cool new thing. And as per LELO protocol, boy do they want you to think it’s special and revolutionary and entirely their own idea, not at all influenced by the bevy of air flow clit stimulators that have flooded the market in recent years. LELO calls the Sona a “sonic massager,” claiming that the toy uses “sonic waves and pulses” rather than vibration. What does this mean in reality? Well, if you peer into the Sona’s nozzle, you . . . read more

Most important news first, y’all: Fun Factory’s Stronic G is a REVELATION. Like the other Stronics, this toy thrusts all by itself — but this one can be used hands-free, and its perfectly-hooked tip gives my G-spot everything it craves. Ooof. So good. Lube dispensers are all the rage now and I blame me. The Touch heats your lube and will utilize any lube you want, unlike the exorbitantly expensive Pulse, which takes proprietary pods. Sliquid has a toy cleaner! I still don’t really believe in toy cleaners, but at least I trust Sliquid not to put junk ingredients in theirs. Screaming O just released a few new toys in their “Affordable Rechargeable” line. I’m very curious if the motors . . . read more

Easily the most exciting news this time around comes from Doxy, who previewed several shiny bullet vibes at ETO, both AC-powered and rechargeable. According to David, they’re almost certainly more powerful than the We-Vibe Tango. The proper response to this photo is “oh, um, hello, yes.” This butt plug has rotating beads in the neck for a rimming sensation. But it’s $150! You’d have to really want to be rimmed by a machine. At first I was like “cool,” when I saw that Jimmyjane was coming out with a line of battery-operated vibrators modeled after their rechargeables. Then, I was able to try the Intro 2 (inspired by the Form 2), and WOW, IT SUCKS. Mega mega buzzy, and also . . . read more

FINALLY. Fucking finally. I’ve been waiting years for LELO to upgrade their humble little clit vibe, Siri. While they were off dilly-dallying with weird oral sex simulators and pretentious cock rings, I was over here drumming my fingernails on my desk, condescendingly clicking my tongue, wondering if the almost-great Siri would ever get an upgrade. The sex toy landscape was different when I reviewed the original Siri back in 2010. Pickings were slim when it came to rechargeable clitoral vibrators, and I was less jaded. I liked the cute, egg-shaped Siri. It wasn’t terribly strong, but it was rumbly, and it was enough. “Is it the clit vibe to end all clit vibes?” I wrote. “Not quite — it would need to be waterproof . . . read more

The Lovehoney Flash (left) is a buzzy vibrator. The Doxy Don (right) is rumbly. Perusing the sex toy exhibitor booths at AVN, turning on and off strange vibrators from no-name companies, one word kept flittering into my mind: buzzy. Ugh, too buzzy. What a shame. The design is cool, but it’s so fucking buzzy. Nope. I even met an avid reader of my blog who works for an up-and-coming sex toy manufacturer. Their flagship vibrator intrigued me with its peculiar manta ray flaps and vibrant shade of turquoise silicone. But I turned it on and could not hide my disgust. “It needs a better motor,” I sighed. “Oh, I know,” she said. “I knew you’d hate it.” A sex toy could do literally everything else right — ergonomic shape, body-safe . . . read more

Fun Factory has a whole host of new stuff! There’s Miss Bi, a dual vibe with two strong-ass motors; Calice, an oddly-shaped mini vibe (my girlfriend: “it’s like someone said, make it look like a penis AND a vulva“), and Bi Stronic Fusion [update: I reviewed it here!] a Stronic/vibe hybrid. Spareparts Hardwear, makers of the most durable underwear-style harness on the market as well as my fave harness, now have a boxer briefs harness! And New York Toy Collective has an uncircumcised dildo: Ellis! Tantus recently released the Duchess, a dual-density version of their Duke, as well as the Starter and Gary. Yes, Gary. A dildo named Gary. LELO just remembered that prostates exist and have unveiled the Loki (aka Butt Mona), Bruno/Hugo, and Loki Wave. . . . read more

Want to ask me a question? Email me at hey.epiphora [at] gmail [dot] com, or ask here. Since rabbits fit everyone so differently, I’m wondering if you could tell me how far your clit is from your vaginal opening? OKAY, WORLD, I DID IT. In a relaxed non-aroused state, with my legs spread wide while sitting on the floor and awkwardly juggling a mirror, the distance between the very bottom of my vaginal opening (seemed like the clearest end point…) and my clit is between 2″ and 2.25″. Do with that what you will. My measuring tape needs a bath now. You say the Mona 2 is fully submersible. Is that even if the tab that plugs the charging port is open? . . . read more