Nov 182018

Uberrime Helios Sun God and Splendid silicone dildos

When I was but a wee sex toy reviewer, every new sex toy material was a treat. Not yet jaded by years of masturbatory ordeals, my vag was wowed by the smoothness of glass, the heft of stainless steel, the beauty of wood, the silkiness of silicone. Then I experienced luscious dual-density silicone, a true turning point. I quickly crowned it my favorite soft material and proceeded to stuff myself silly with dildos made out of it.

That was 8 years ago, that glorious time of squishy exploration, so now I tend to take such materials for granted. It can be hard to get back into that head (vagina?) space again, but then there are toys that take me there, reminding me of everything I loved about a material — or design — to begin with. The Uberrime Splendid is one of those toys.

Uberrime, which to my great embarrassment is apparently pronounced uber-ree-may (oops, it’s Latin), is a one human operation based in Orlando. They make toys by first hand-sculpting designs in clay and resin, then producing a mold into which silicone is poured to cast each toy individually. Handmade from beginning to end, y’all.

After perusing their catalog, I chose the Uberrime Splendid ($72), a semi-realistic dual-density dildo, and the Helios Sun God ($79), a squishy textured dildo. Peepshow Toys stocks a few more of their designs: the lengthy Night King, tentacle-inspired Xenuphora, basic Essential, and adorable Tiny Bouchon plug.

Uberrime Splendid silicone dildo

The Splendid is a dual-density dildo, and we all know I am very heart-eyes-emoji over those. That’s partly why I chose it — but its dimensions and simple shape sealed the deal. It used to be named the “Splendid Gentleman,” which made a little part of my soul die every time I had to say it, but has recently been shortened in response to my obvious distaste. (Good, especially considering how suspect the word “gentleman” is these days.)

At 1.6″ diameter, the Splendid lands in a sweet spot between the Vixen Mustang and Buck, two of my all-time favorite dildos. It’s slightly smaller than the Buck and thicker than the Mustang, making it the in-between dildo I didn’t know I needed. It has a thicker outer layer of its softer silicone, but overall the squish feels comparable. There is some kind of magic going on with Uberrime’s finish, though. In contrast to the stickiness of VixSkin, these dildos have a sorta glossy, sorta matte finish that feels lovely.

Jacking off with the Splendid is like relaxing my body into a perfectly-warmed hot tub. Comfy, satisfying, easy. All my worldly cares melt away. So much so that testing doesn’t even feel like testing, it just feels like a session with an amazing dildo. (Well, unless it’s paired with something horrid…)

The Splendid is perfect for sittin’ and clenchin’, one of my classic dildo moves. I can’t feel the veins, but the head presses against my G-spot with delicious accuracy. At the point of orgasm, vibe pressed to my clit, it’s not hard to get some casual squirting going from even gentle nudging of the base. But if I’m compelled to thrust more, the G-spot stimulation intensifies.

The Splendid is, truly, a dildo for all seasons.

And $72 is an incredible price for it, considering Vixen charges ~$115 for their dual-density dildos.

Shout-out to that thick, sturdy base too, and the firm core which keeps the Splendid nice and stable. This is a dick I’ll be bringing to sex parties from now on, because I know it will be fantastic in a harness. The plush feel, the restrained 5.75″ insertable length, the vaguely realistic look, the beautiful color gradient… the more I think about it actually, the more I want to see somebody’s mouth around it…

Aaaand now I’m aroused. Ugh help me, all I ever want are dildo blowjobs.

Uberrime Helios Sun God silicone dildo

The Helios Sun God, meanwhile, is not the sexiest of things. Swirled with a garish mixture of neon orange, yellow, and red, the ’90s kid in me was immediately reminded of Nerf guns. But when I unpacked the box in front of my dad, he said it made him think of a fishing float. Also accurate, and particularly amusing since this dildo is colored with UV-reactive fluorescent pigments.

The Helios Sun God is cast in a softer shore of single-density silicone, and that was the correct choice for a dildo with this level of texture and amount of girth. It’s a very majestic, towering toy, but god, that name makes me cringe. Imagine if I loved this dildo and had to go around telling people to buy the “Helios Sun God.” How douchey is that?

The fatal flaw of the Helios Sun God is something I like to call THE DIP. It’s that indent just under the dildo’s head, the arch nemesis of my pubic bone and saboteur of movement. It gives me this unpleasant “stuck” feeling when I try to thrust, snagging on my pubic bone and resisting fluid motion. Maybe this is just a weird quirk about me that isn’t applicable to other people, like my annoyance at door-to-door solicitors who use the special knock. (ONLY FAMILY AND FRIENDS ARE ALLOWED TO KNOCK LIKE THAT!) But since I regularly remove and re-insert dildos during masturbation, the dip gets on my nerves. A lot.1

I love the feel of the swirls at my vaginal opening, as I knew I would, but I can’t enjoy them much when the toy won’t budge.

So I can’t thrust with the Helios Sun God, but maybe I could sit and clench? No, that’s not ideal either. The soft silicone makes the shaft droop a bit, giving the toy a downward angle that feels like it’s missing my G-spot. It’s as if the head has plunked itself into the lower recesses of my vagina, where it refuses to leave and also won’t do its own dishes. And when I’m done, pulling it out of my body feels like such an extraction.

But oh, I am happy to extract the Helios Sun God if it means switching to the Splendid. All previous offenses are easily forgiven. My vagina squeezes the Splendid, drawing its head up tightly against my G-spot, luxuriating in the effortlessness. This, I remember, is what a great dildo feels like. And when I slide it out post-orgasm to find it dripping ejaculate, I know we are meant to be together.

Get the Splendid, Helios Sun God, and other Uberrimee toys at Peepshow Toys.
And get ready for Black Friday this week… there will be a very special Splendid on sale.

  1. The dip doesn’t go all the way around the head — it dissipates at the back. So if I turn the dildo upside down, I have a much easier time thrusting. However, I get even less G-spot stimulation. []
Nov 172018
Dildo carnival giveaway winners

It’s time to shut the dildo carnival down, folks. We’ve eaten a lot of corn dogs, played a bunch of games, and indulged in various carnival attractions, and now I get to hand out all the sex toy prizes. Of which there are MANY!

Below, I’ve listed the winners of the mini giveaway attractions, followed by the rest of the giveaway winners. All giveaway winners have been contacted.

If you didn’t win something, don’t despair: Black Friday is next week, and as usual I’ll be publishing a post featuring all the best sex toy sales. Sign up for my newsletter to stay in the loop, or keep an eye on my Twitter. [. . . read the rest]

Nov 132018
Review: Sona Cruise

You could almost hear the collective groan from the entire sex toy industry when LELO announced the Sona. After an insufferable year and a half of HEX HEX HI HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT OUR HEX, this is what they released. This is the cool new thing. And as per LELO protocol, boy do they want you to think it’s special and revolutionary and entirely their own idea, not at all influenced by the bevy of air flow clit stimulators that have flooded the market in recent years.

LELO calls the Sona a “sonic massager,” claiming that the toy uses “sonic waves and pulses” rather than vibration. [. . . read the rest]

Nov 052018
Review: Volta

I’m not the type to chase adventure. Some people hop on roller coasters, travel to far-off lands, skydive out of planes… but I don’t pine for that rush of adrenaline. I’m more of a homebody, thriving most on routine and safety. My idea of an exciting time? Masturbating with a bizarre new sex toy to determine, once and for all, how its weird shape feels against my genitals.

I first saw the Fun Factory Volta in a brief, fleeting Instagram video my friend sent me to ridicule. “It looks like a vibrating duck beak,” they said. “It scares me.” I showed the link to my girlfriend, who promptly typed back, “why does everyone want to slap the clit!”

But I was not scared. [. . . read the rest]

Oct 032018
Dildo carnival: a HUGE sex toy giveaway!

Pretty lights; sweet, crispy deep-fried dough; the rush of adrenaline as you narrowly escape with your life — there’s just something magical about carnivals. So, to celebrate 11 years of sex toy blogging, I decided to throw a DILDO CARNIVAL! Where instead of winning a lousy stuffed animal you didn’t really want anyway, you can win a fancy sex toy of your choice.

[All graphics by the amazing Aerie.]

In this carnival, I’m giving away the best sex toys on earth — as judged by my discerning genitals. I’ve got everything from vibrators to dildos to butt stuff to penis toys to harnesses to gender products, plus gift cards for the indecisive and a porn membership for the pervs! [. . . read the rest]

Sep 242018
Sex toy news: epic girth and vibrating tendrils

VIXEN MADE A NEW DILDO! Unfortunately, it’s too effing big for my vagina! The Gambler (such a good name) is nearly 3″ in diameter — an epic challenge of girth. But Bex conquered it!

Vixen has also been quietly adding special edition versions of their toys to their site, including anal beads that look like jawbreakers, a galaxy-swirled Hitachi attachment, and colorful pop art inspired Mustangs. Very cute!

What a coincidence: around the same time I roasted Aneros’ Evi for being a useless blob, they’ve announced a vibrating version. Insert pondering emoji.

Crystal dildo maker Chakrubs has expanded into wood. [. . . read the rest]

Sep 042018
Jack-off Journal #22

September 19, 2017

Decided to livetweet slathering my genitals with weed-enhanced lubricant spray. I’d done it once before, with my vulva, to uninspiring results, so this time I decided to try it in my ass. Reasonable, yes? I already had a butt plug in, so I removed it and re-inserted it with a generous coating of the spray.

DEAR LORD, IT FELT LIKE FIRE. “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,” I said out loud, in a mild panic. The sensation mellowed quickly, but it was followed by something else I should’ve expected and yet somehow hadn’t: I felt myself getting actually stoned. [. . . read the rest]

Aug 212018
Review: Vibrator Nation

I proudly identify as a “dildo slinger” — that’s a much way cooler way of saying “sex toy retail worker.” In addition to writing this blog, I have worked at a local sex toy boutique for nearly 8 years. It’s a unique, misunderstood job, one that often elicits perplexed looks and palpable silence. Rarely is this work given the credit it deserves, so when I picked up Lynn Comella’s Vibrator Nation: How Feminist Sex-Toy Stores Changed the Business of Pleasure, I was relieved to sink into a world where my career was treated with respect and nuance.

Comella has done the work. [. . . read the rest]

Aug 172018
Giveaway: win sex toys for you and a friend!

Did you hear? I’ve partnered with one of my newest affiliates, Spectrum Boutique, to spoil you AND a friend with amazing sex toys! Spectrum is a hip Detroit-based online sex shop run by Zoë Ligon dedicated to body-safe toys and radical inclusion. They are rad and they stock many of my favorite things, so it was very easy to put together a bundle of fantastic products to give away.

Each winner can choose between this bundle or $200 to spend at Spectrum! The bundle includes the legendary njoy Pure Wand G-spotting dildo, powerful We-Vibe Tango bullet vibe, and a bottle of body-safe lube from Sliquid! [. . . read the rest]

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