Hi, I’m Piph, and I have a very discerning vagina.

Not something you hear often, is it? But it’s true: for over 15 years, I’ve been testing sex toys and writing about them on the internet. Highly trusted and well-known for my snarky yet authentic sex toy reviews, I’ve been called “the Samantha Bee of our nether regions.” Welcome to Hey Epiphora, where the lube flows like wine, the G-spot isn’t a mystery, and masturbation sessions frequently end with me wondering, “did humans even test this?!”

Not sure where to begin?

Dive into my sex toy reviews or my greatest posts, visit my 900+ sex toy collection, skip straight to my all-time faves, peruse my FAQ, or go shopping.

Fill your baskets and your holes. These are the best prices you'll find on sex toys all year!

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!
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Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

Need more sex toys for your black holes? Behold, my epic guide to the best sex toy deals has arrived! If you’ve been waiting to buy the vibrator, dildo, or butt plug of your dreams, now’s your chance. These are the best prices and sweeping discounts you’ll find all year. I won’t make a big bang joke, I won’t make a big...
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A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterShenanigansSunshine & Rainbows

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

It was a 30th birthday party unlike any other.  The invitation read: Luxurious cuddles, siren’s songs, stroking, finger feeding, dancing, bondage, fucking, and deep admiration are all welcome in this courtyard of grecian revelry. Please bring your own safer sex supplies, toys, tools, and tasty snacks to share. Bring a strap-on if you have one! Languid, shimmery, ostentatious dress encouraged! Whatever makes...
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Favorite sex toys EVER

I’ve put hundreds of things on/in/around my genitals, so it means a lot to make it here.

see all my favorites

Greatest hits

I’m sure my writing teachers are very proud.

Screenshot from the now-defunct Teddy Love crowdfunding video, of a woman touching a teddy bear's nose.

Um, No: Teddy Love

This is not cute. This is not adorable. This is not acceptable. A teddy bear with a vibrating muzzle? Really? This is condescending, infantilizing, and damaging....
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njoy Pure Plugs (medium and large) in a jewelry box with a bunch of gaudy bracelets and rings.

Review: Pure Plugs

I could’ve written a review for the njoy Pure Plugs before ever putting a single one in my ass. Of course, I would never do...
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Dame Products Eva "hands-free" "couples" wearable vibrator standing up like a creepy bug.

Review: Dame Eva

I’ve never told you much about my labia, but I guess now’s as good a time as any. I’d describe my outer labia as puffy, yet...
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Hot Octopuss Queen Bee oscillating rechargeable vibrator on a yellow polka dot plate.

Review: Queen Bee

Me, masturbating: uh, don’t mind me, I’m just over here jamming this ugly-ass hairbrush-lookin’ thing against my vulva in a feeble attempt to orgasm. And I’m...
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browse my greatest hits

Daily dose of snark

When you just need some righteous rage. So, every day?

gimmie more snark

Ancient Post Randomizer™

I can’t be held responsible for what you find here. I’ve been blogging for over 15 years, yo.