It’s time to shut the dildo carnival down, folks. We’ve eaten a lot of corn dogs, played a bunch of games, and indulged in various carnival attractions, and now I get to hand out all the sex toy prizes. Of which there are MANY!

Below, I’ve listed the winners of the mini giveaway attractions, followed by the rest of the giveaway winners. All giveaway winners have been contacted.

If you didn’t win something, don’t despair: Black Friday is next week, and as usual I’ll be publishing a post featuring all the best sex toy sales. Sign up for my newsletter to stay in the loop, or keep an eye on my Twitter.

🔮 MAGIC SHOW  

For the chance to win a Magic Wand Rechargeable, donated by Vibratex, I asked folks to comment with a memorable quote from my blog. After much deliberation, I chose the following five winners.

Timid, who called the intro to my Mimic review “a beautiful encapsulation of righteous anger, from someone who has power and isn’t afraid to use it.”

Amy, who recalled laughing uproariously at the line “nature clearly didn’t take anuses into account when crafting the carrot,” from my review of Hole Punch Toys, and how it made her feel less weird about reading a sex blog.

AT, who did the most amazing dramatic reading of my Taffy Tickler review — you need to hear it immediately.

M, who remembered lying in bed in their dorm room after their sorority girl roommate had left for the night, comforted by my rage at the Lowe Aurora, a ridiculous contraption about which I wrote, “it’s like someone thought to themselves, how can we combine crushing beauty standards and sex toys?”

April, a writer who felt so validated by my honesty in my post Becoming a real writer she was inspired to start journaling again.

🍿 CONCESSION STAND

In this mini giveaway, I asked for your all-time favorite carnival food for a chance to win a $125 gift card to Hole Punch Toys, donated by Hole Punch Toys. The most common answer was probably funnel cake, but I loved the tales of freakish carnival creations such as a hot dog topped with mac and cheese. Congrats to the winner, Den!

🍆 DILDO RING TOSS

To enter to win a Tie-Bright VixSkin dildo, donated by SheVibe, I asked folks to describe their sex life in emojis. Obviously, the answers were fantastic: stuff like 🐻💜🐷 👉🏻 🍑✊🏻🙏🏻👋🏻 and 🍑📱💌🌃📱💬🍆 and 🦗🦗🦗. Congrats to the winner, Awe Someness!

🎲 GUESSING GAME

How many tiny dildos were in the jar? The correct answer was 81, which was guessed by 17 people! Congrats to the winner, Vera Leigh, who won a $125 gift card to Spectrum Boutique — plus a handful of tiny dildos from Funkit Toys. Special shout-out to my mom for letting me borrow that big-ass jar.

🕹️ CLAW MACHINE

For this mini giveaway, I gave away the We-Vibe Sync and We-Vibe Rave, donated by We-Vibe. Congrats to the winners, Kendra and babytoki, and thanks to Aerie for letting me use their stuffed animals for my photo. (Even if my idea to use handcuffs to represent the claw did not work out.)

🏁 STRONIC RACES

After you all took bets on which self-thrusting toy would cross the finish line first, I held a live race to find out. Definitely one of the most ridiculous things I’ve done for this blog. Congrats to the winner, Shanah, who correctly bet on the Stronic G and won the Stronic Pulsator of their choice, donated by Fun Factory.

💀 HAUNTED HOUSE

Of course I had to give away the iconic njoy Pure Wand, donated by Spectrum Boutique. Congrats to the winner, Ken, and special thanks to my friend Nicolette who let me take my photo with her spooky things.

🍭 CANDY CART

The delectable LELO Mona 2, donated by Spectrum Boutique, was up for grabs in this mini giveaway. Congrats to the winner, Jessey, and shout-out to my partner for posing tirelessly for my photo.

🐱 PETTING ZOO  

Those hoping to win a $125 gift card to SheVibe were asked to write a caption for this outrageous photo of my cats. There were SO MANY GOOD CAPTIONS. Congrats, eve.of.flight, and thanks to my poor cats for putting up with my antics! The winning caption was: “Soon,” Boris promised himself. He would play the fool no longer. The only thing left was to choose the instrument of Chowder’s demise…

• The Fun Factory Stronic G, donated by Fun Factory, goes to… Christie!
• The LELO Mona 2, donated by LELO, goes to… Jamie!
• A $125 gift card to Smitten Kitten, goes to… Priya!
• The Womanizer of your choice, donated by Womanizer, goes to… Sabby!
• The njoy Pure Plug in your choice of size, donated by njoy, goes to… Fade!
• The Tenga Iroha+ of your choice, donated by Tenga, goes to… Emily!
• The Zumio S, donated by Zumio, goes to… Alexa and Caitlin!
• The Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness, donated by Dallas Novelty, goes to… Chel!
• The Crystal Delights Epiphora-Exclusive dildo of your choice, donated by Crystal Delights, goes to… IDon’tEvenKnowManIDEK!
• The We-Vibe Pleasure Mate Collection, donated by We-Vibe, goes to… Kelsey!
• The LELO Loki, donated by LELO, goes to… Amy!
• The Crystal Delights Minx Tail of your choice, donated by Crystal Delights, goes to… Kim!
• A Fleshlight of your choice, donated by Dallas Novelty, goes to… Mariah!
• A year membership to Crash Pad Series, donated by Pink & White, goes to… Indigo!
• The We-Vibe Pivot, donated by We-Vibe, goes to… Thien-An!
• The We-Vibe Touch, donated by We-Vibe, goes to… Laura!
• The Crystal Delights anal plug of your choice, donated by Crystal Delights, goes to… Anne!
• The Split Peaches toy of your choice, donated by Split Peaches, goes to… Christine!
• The We-Vibe Ditto, donated by We-Vibe, goes to… Bella!
• The njoy Pure Wand, donated by njoy, goes to… Stephanie!
• The Eroscillator 2 Plus Soft Finger Combo, donated by SheVibe, goes to… Alana!
• The SenseVibe, donated by SenseMax, goes to… Ariana!
• The Tenga Flip Zero EV of your choice, donated by Tenga, goes to… Kat!
• The (sparkle!) Doxy Die Cast, donated by Doxy, goes to… Skye!
• The We-Vibe Tango, donated by We-Vibe, goes to… Oz!
• A $125 gift card to Peepshow Toys goes to… Shayna!
• The LELO Sona, donated by LELO, goes to… Ben!
• The We-Vibe Rave, donated by Lovehoney, goes to… FieryRed!
• A VixSkin dildo of your choice, donated by Vixen Creations, goes to… Alex!
• The Je Joue Ami and Rabbit Bullet, donated by Je Joue, goes to… Casey!
• The LELO Siri 2, donated by LELO, goes to… Elizabeth!
• The Hot Octopuss Pulse III Duo, donated by Hot Octopuss, goes to… Alyssa!
• The Spareparts Hardwear Tomboi or Tomboii, donated by Dallas Novelty, goes to… Laurie!
• The njoy Eleven, donated by njoy, goes to… Abby!
• A $125 credit to the gender expression category at Early to Bed goes to… Sawyer!
• The LELO Hugo, donated by LELO, goes to… Will!
• The Neon Wand, donated by Stockroom, goes to… Amber!
• The BJ Dildo, donated by Number One Laboratory, goes to… Nici!
• The New York Toy Collective toy of your choice, donated by New York Toy Collective, goes to… Nicki!
• The Butt Pack (Bootie + B Ball Uno + Flexi Felix), donated by Fun Factory, goes to… Cole!
• The Jopen Key Comet II Wand, donated by Good Vibrations, goes to… Ian!
• The Liberator Throe, donated by Liberator, goes to… Leia!
• The Tiger G5, donated by Fun Factory, goes to… Victoria!
• The Babeland Mustang, donated by Babeland, goes to… Diana!
• The Volta, donated by Fun Factory, goes to… Becky!
• The Liberator Wedge, donated by Liberator, goes to… Carter!
• The Toyfriend Snazzy, donated by Tickler, goes to… AJ!
• A $125 prize package from Blush goes to… Ollie!
• The Aslan Jaguar harness, donated by Pleasure Chest, goes to… Karen!

HUGE THANKS to all the fantastic companies who donated: Babeland, Blush, Crystal Delights, Dallas Novelty, Doxy, Early to Bed, Fun Factory, Good Vibrations, Hole Punch Toys, Hot Octopuss, Je Joue, LELO, Liberator, Lovehoney, New York Toy Collective, Number One Laboratory, Peepshow Toys, Pink & White, Pleasure Chest, SheVibe, Smitten Kitten, Spectrum Boutique, Split Peaches, Stockroom, Tenga, Tickler, Vibratex, Vixen Creations, We-Vibe, Womanizer, and Zumio.

You are all so generous and lovely!