Mar 102019
Wobbling Willy dildo with custom, personalized bobblehead

Why wouldn’t you want this smug bastard smiling at you while you masturbate? He looks like the kind of guy who works in sales. Or no, tech. But he’s a team-building captain or some bullshit, so he thinks he’s above everyone else — they’re all nerdy losers. Used to wear baseball hats religiously, but ditched them in his thirties in favor of hair gel. Wears his suit jacket from work to the party, where he gets riled up about separating the art from the artist and gesticulates so hard he nearly spills his craft beer. His laugh is the kind that pierces the air suddenly, startling everyone in the room. He refers to sex as “getting tail.” Unironically.

Oh wait, sorry, was I talking about a dildo?

Wobbling Willy is a novelty product and a fully functional dildo with a twist, made of body-safe silicone. A perfect gift. The only selfie you will ever need. Mr Right. A stand-in. Your dream boy.

I’m not gonna strain to make sense of it, because we all know it was designed not to make sense. The dildo has a butt. And feet. And huge hands, I guess so he can hold onto the ENORMOUS DICK that’s growing out of his torso? Is this the natural progression of our old friend the Battery-Operated Boyfriend? Has he grown into a… manchild?

Most arousingly of all, the dildo has a human face. A custom, hyper-realistic, hand-sculpted bobblehead that will no doubt end up nodding at you condescendingly mid-thrust. Customers are asked to first upload photos of various angles of somebody’s head, selecting hair color, eye color, and skin color (from a problematic selection of options such as “Chinese Skin 1” and “General 2”), and the company then brings it to life, apparently checking in to get your approval throughout the process.

Wow, the possibilities are endl—

Can I make a Wobbling Willy of a famous person?
Generally we cannot make a Wobbling Willy of any person who profits from their own image, including but not limited to professional athletes, musicians and actors.

GODDAMNIT. How dare you keep me from being the creepiest Tegan & Sara fan ever?

(Okay, actually, thank you.)

I briefly contemplated ordering one with my own face on it, just to reach that special level of narcissism, but 1) it’s $125 and I’m too stingy, and 2) do I really want to look myself in the eyes while I jack off? Uh, no. Please let me go about my business like I usually do, forgetting I even have a face.

Besides, I was mostly just curious about what would happen if I tried to submit a “female” head. But then I learned that Dutch sex blogger Tess did precisely that with her own likeness, and I sprinted like a cheetah to watch her video of the unboxing. Like me, she has curly hair and glasses, so this is a glimpse into what a Wobbling Piph would sort of look like. Honestly, it’s better than I expected.

But the idea of having my boyfriend’s noggin on a dildo, grinning at me like that, and the notion that I would want such a thing… it all feels like a fucking zero on the Kinsey scale to me. So heterosexual I can barely comprehend it.

At least there is one good thing about the Wobbling Willy, in comparison to actual boyfriends:

Is the head removable?
Yes, if you get tired of your “boyfriend” or for any other reason, you can order a new separate head and easily change it.

Would you get a Wobbling Willy? With whose face?
How horrified would you be if a dude bought one for you as a gift?

Feb 262019
Review: Rumble Seat

The Jimmyjane Rumble Seat in front of my sex toy closet.

When you arrive at the sex party and present the guests with your vibrating sex chair, you don’t exactly want the response to be “that looks like a toilet.” But that’s where I was. I was the guy bringing the sex machine to the party, and my sex machine immediately turned everyone off. One guest stated bluntly, “that’s not attractive enough to fuck, not at all.” “It looks like something a toddler would sit on,” another added. Nobody disputed it.

Clearly, we were all super aroused.

The subject in question was the Jimmyjane Rumble Seat, and it was getting quite the icy reception for a contraption that retails for FOUR HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS. [. . . read the rest] “Review: Rumble Seat”

Feb 112019
Sex toy news: inclusive marketing and a vibrator with a butt

One of my favorite dildos — which was tragically discontinued years ago — has risen from the dead! Once known as the Tantus Splash, it’s now called the Magma and comes in a softer silicone. Hopefully I can still feel those stimulating drips!

Our old friend the Hitachi Magic Wand is getting another iteration, and my vulva is flushing with excitement! It’s called the Magic Wand Plus, a corded vibe with a smooth silicone head and the same settings as the Magic Wand Rechargeable, finally at a lower price point. YES YES YES.

Dame, the company responsible for the nightmare that was/is the Eva, has released the kind of toy I suggested people buy instead of the Eva: a simple, compact rechargeable vibe. [. . . read the rest] “Sex toy news: inclusive marketing and a vibrator with a butt”

Jan 222019
The Coming Out Interviews, pt. 2: Mom, I'm a sex blogger

The memory’s a bit of a blur now, but almost 7 years ago, I was standing in the bathroom at my parents’ house, mentally preparing myself to tell them I had a sex blog. I knew everything would be okay in the end, and it was — but I could’ve never anticipated just how genuinely my parents, and my mom in particular, would come to encourage and champion this unorthodox career.

Coming out as a sex blogger was my second coming out. My first took place at age 14, when I wrote a letter to my parents confessing that I liked girls. [. . . read the rest] “The Coming Out Interviews, pt. 2: Mom, I’m a sex blogger”

Dec 312018
Epiphora's best and worst sex toys of 2018

Before we give the middle finger to 2018, please come along with me on a romp through the year in my life and sex toys! It was a year of low-key shenanigans: I pulled off a viscous yet glittery April Fools’ prank, attended a few sex parties, started keeping a journal again, took a cute romantic trip, read a lot of smutty fan fiction, watched a ton of CockyBoys, and went to amateur porn film festival HUMP! twice — once with my mom. (She loved it.) I said goodbye to my sweet 17-year-old kitty and healed my soul with some much-needed Melissa Etheridge. [. . . read the rest] “Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018”

Dec 212018
Review: Queen Bee

Me, masturbating: uh, don’t mind me, I’m just over here jamming this ugly-ass hairbrush-lookin’ thing against my vulva in a feeble attempt to orgasm. And I’m failing, friends. I’m failing and I’m angry.

Me, writing: my fingers tingle with impending rage as I hover over the keyboard. I’m looking for a word. Like “disappointing” only meaner. Like “frustrating” but 100 times worse. Abhorrent? Heinous? Exasperating? Disgraceful? Language can’t fail me now, not when so much is at stake. Not when there’s still a possibility that some human on earth might buy the Queen Bee.

The Queen Bee is the first vulva-specific vibrator made by Hot Octopuss, a company known for trying to make the word “Guybrator” happen penis toys such as the Pulse. [. . . read the rest] “Review: Queen Bee”

Dec 102018
Review: Je Joue Bullets (Rabbit + G-Spot)

The Je Joue Bullets are not lookers, not at all. There’s a sense of utilitarianism about these vibrators — the buttons are basic raised bits, each charging port is covered by a silicone flap. Nothing’s shiny or bedazzled. The color is Je Joue’s signature sad purple, the saddest and stalest of the purples. (Although they recently came to their senses and unveiled sky blue versions, so I can finally sleep at night.)

There is very little that is outwardly impressive about these vibrators, but what makes them great cannot be seen by the naked eye. The price, yes, an attractive $59, but it’s more so the price in conjunction with the vibration quality. [. . . read the rest] “Review: Je Joue Bullets (Rabbit + G-Spot)”

Dec 062018
Giveaway: win a bike tube harness!

Have you seen how beautiful the harnesses by Oxyd Creations are? Well if you haven’t, you’re in for a treat because I’M GIVING ONE AWAY! These 100% vegan harnesses are handmade in Canada from recycled bike tubes. They’re sturdy and sexy and lined with soft felt, with sizing options to accommodate any body size. I’m giving away the harness of your choice from Oxyd Creations, with or without bike gears!


Open to everyone, including international peeps! [. . . read the rest] “Giveaway: win a bike tube harness!”

Dec 042018
When will we stop fearing sex?

[From Crash Pad, one of the best sites on the internet for feminist porn,
censored to protect Tumblr’s delicate sensibilities.]

As I write this, sipping a chestnut praline latte at my local Starbucks, I know I’m living on borrowed time.

Last week, Starbucks caved to pressure from an anti-porn organization and announced that starting in 2019, they will be blocking “pornography and illegal content” on their wifi networks. This, of course, means the salacious and utterly disgraceful sex toy review blog you are currently reading will likely become inaccessible.

Then yesterday, Tumblr hammered the final nail in the coffin of their increasingly-aggressive crusade against adult content, stating that such content will no longer be allowed on the platform. [. . . read the rest] “When will we stop fearing sex?”

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