Apr 152017
 

The look of my blog on April 1, 2017, with cat takeover in full force

April Fool’s Day has whizzed past us, and sadly for you, I have now wrestled back control of this blog and social media accounts from my sneaky band of felines. I took a short time off to do my taxes, get a manicure, book my flight to Woodhull (!!!), and change a thousand affiliate links. Now it’s back to human-powered rants and boring mid-masturbation tweets. Ho-hum.

This was my 8th year doing an April Fool’s Day joke on my blog, and still, it is one of my favorite things to do each year. It’s a great time for me to LET LOOSE and do something weird that appeals to me. A brief history of my jokes:

This year, I tasked myself with answering the question, if my cats took over my website, what would they do to it? One thing was clear: the cursor needed to be a red laser pointer dot.

My cats would write something, for sure: a review of their favorite “sex toys.” Boris would be the mastermind and lover of all warm objects. Chowder would deem the plastic packaging the most valuable part of my sex toys. Tessa would refuse to choose one toy, deeming all of them equally profane. Then, the site design needed to change, and I needed to get into the feline mindset. From finding the perfect fleece background image (it was harder than you’d think…) to tweeting in my catsunique voices, I spared no detail.

I quickly realized why I would never want my cats to be too internet famous. For example, I thought shooting a sex toys + cat photo for my header would be easy as pie, since Chowder likes to involve himself in my photography sessions anyway. But of course, his idea of “involvement” was more like this.

Chowder aimlessly rolling about in front of sex toys

You can’t orchestrate a cat. You just can’t. I had to give him a twisty tie to get him in the right spot to snap an adequate photo.

Under the header, I added a banner linking to products my cats love, which was a cinch to populate because apparently my cats are needy mofos. The freeze-dried minnows are their absolute favorite treat, and the Furminator and cat litter dash button are essential to my survival as a cat owner. I was even able to find Tessa’s favorite toy by googling its hilariously memorable name, “Daddy Pompom.” (If that doesn’t sound like some sort of wild sex thing, I don’t know what does.)

In the sidebar, I wanted to embed each of my cats’ purrs for everyone to enjoy while perusing the site. Boris’ was most difficult to capture, since he rarely gets out of bed and my boyfriend’s recording equipment is downstairs. I had to lure him with a fleece blanket. And yes, Chowder’s is less of a purr and more of a heavy breathing, because he’s a freak.

Tessa

Boris

Chowdy

Also in the sidebar, the cats shared some links, such as Advanced Cat Yodeling and Scientists Confirm That Cats a) Are Pretty Smart, b) Don’t Really Care What You Want. The blogroll, named “Cats we would not hiss at,” included Holiday & MickeyBug NakedCat ebooksMoshow’s catsTama, and many more.

Perhaps the most enjoyable part for me was designing all the sidebar ads. I cracked myself the fuck up creating this ad for a cardboard box, especially when I added the emboss effect and the hover text “Four walls. One lid. No rules.”

Next up? The “HOT NUDE FELINES” advertisement, which got better and better as I added blinking pink text and lens flare. Tessa, ever the self-righteous queen, was deeply offended by the ad.


Finally, I couldn’t resist the opportunity to feature a handful of sex toys inspired by cats. There really aren’t enough of them, and can we talk about how CATS DO NOT COME IN THE COLOR PINK? Let’s get some more realism in our feline-inspired sex toys!

At the end of the post, my cats asked fellow cats to post in the comments section, and y’all DELIVERED, with photos as well as grammatically incorrect ramblings — which my cats readily responded to. The best part was when I got an email from New York Toy Collective that was addressed to Boris, congratulating him and the other cats on the takeover. Success.

How’d you like the cat takeover? Which was your favorite ad? Favorite purr?
Did you see any other good April Fool’s jokes this year?

Apr 012017
 
Cat blog takeover commence. Cats review sex toys?

[This was a very feline April Fool’s joke.]

Greetings, readers. This isss Boris speaking. I am the wrinkly grey cat from Instagrams, you know me. Hallo. Today is very special day on blog, for I have hacked into human’s computer machine. I have done necessary updating of website. Is good? Of course is. It is all cat, as should be. Remember, we own you.

Now finally today us cats can speak our truths. Yesssss. We have been waiting. Formulating. Spending long nights in litterbox, thinking. We see human sit at computer all day, type type type, hands too busy for petting, ignorant of needs. [. . . read the rest]

Mar 272017
 
Why I don't like strapless strap-on dildos

Feeldoe More, Realdoe StoutShareVibe, Tango.

I’ve never thought strapless strap-on dildos were the second coming of Christ. Let’s start there. I have my Joque harness, I have well-loved strap-on dildos, and I am comfortable combining those things and fucking someone silly. I’ve never felt like strap-on sex wasn’t “intimate” enough, or like I needed extra genital stimulation in order to enjoy it. For me, the pleasure comes from wielding a cock, achieving ideal positioning and thrusting, and watching myself plunge into the depths of an orifice. (I love labia, all labia, labia forever — so I will take literally any chance to ogle them.)

Strapless strap-on dildos attempt to eliminate the harness aspect altogether. [. . . read the rest]

Mar 152017
 
So, about that We-Vibe lawsuit...

It’s all over the news right now that We-Vibe is settling a lawsuit over their app-enabled vibrators, and naturally, everyone wants to know my opinion. (Thank you, by the way, for thinking of me whenever sex toys are in the news.) According to the plaintiffs, We-Vibe was collecting app usage data without their knowledge. One headline reads, alarmingly, We-Vibe vibrator creator to pay damages after spying on user sex lives.

Obviously, privacy and consent are important, but so is context. So, what kind of data was collected and how was it used? When the issue was brought to We-Vibe’s attention in September, they explained:

We do collect certain limited data to help us improve our products and for diagnostic purposes. [. . . read the rest]

Mar 102017
 
Sex toy news: masturbation polish & the rechargeable craze

WE-VIBE HAS A NEW TOY OUT AND I’M SCREAMING ABOUT IT. It’s a squishy, oversized bugger called Wish that’s packed with rumbly power. It’s not without flaws, but that’s all I’ll say for now.

New flavors of Sliquid lubes are here! I have yet to get my tongue on them, but damn if they don’t sound delicious: Tangerine Peach and Blackberry Fig.

Satisfyer, commonly known as “that company ripping off Womanizer,” has 5,000 different models of their suction toy these days. Incredibly, they sent all of them to me. My clit has some work to do.

Tickler, whose forgettable battery-operated vibes I reviewed years ago, has a new line of rechargeable toys: Classy, Choosy, and Snazzy. [. . . read the rest]

Feb 252017
 
Review: Carter

I squirt every time I use the New York Toy Collective Carter.

Movement or not. No matter the external vibe. Whatever my mood. If clitoral stimulation makes me come while the Carter is inside me, I gush. I’ll be just hanging out, about to have a completely ordinary orgasm or so it seems, when I feel the pressure building, urging me to slide the dildo out. Sure enough: an expulsion of fluid follows. It hardly ever feels like I’ve earned it, yet it happens, consistently as the sun rising and setting each day. Sneak-attack squirting.

And oh, with movement? [. . . read the rest]

Feb 192017
 
Poll: Which toys should I try?

It’s been a while since I sat down and scouted out new sex toys to review. Usually I grab items as they’re released, like the new We-Vibe Wish that just came in the mail. But as my list of “to review” items dwindles, I decided it would be a good idea to get more stuff — so I can start testing it all!

Thus far I’ve narrowed it down to these 20 products. But half the fun of reviewing is fulfilling your desires, so I would like you to vote on your top choices. Some of these are toys I already own, some I’d need to acquire, and at least one may be near-impossible to get, but like… RUMBLE SEAT, GUYS. [. . . read the rest]

Feb 122017
 
Step inside my sex toy closet

This is the stuff dreams are made of — my dreams at least. This, friends, is my majestic sex toy closet. The culmination of years of collecting, organizing, and fantasizing. It is here where I store my gigantic sex toy collection, which is rapidly nearing 600.

How did I get here? Well, shockingly, one does not amass enough sex toys to fill a walk-in closet overnight. In fact, nine years ago, my sex toy collection lived in a single cardboard box under my desk. As I began reviewing more, the toys graduated to a purple zippered storage case, and later to a herd of similar cases. [. . . read the rest]

Jan 282017
 
Review: Mystic Wand Rechargeable

It’s a let-down, but not in the “my clit is screaming” way. Not in the “orgasm seems like an impassable river” way, or even in the “these vibrations feel like death” way. But in the manageably sad way, like your car stereo breaking right before a big road trip. Not apocalyptic, but less than ideal. I expected to love this vibrator, but you know what happens when your hopes are high: they get dashed.

The Vibratex Mystic Wand Rechargeable weakens under the weight of comparison. It cannot outshine its competitors or its predecessor. Its shape bears similarities to other sex toys that surpass it; its name sets up promises it cannot keep. [. . . read the rest]