Dec 042018

Lea Hart and Mona Wales on Crash Pad, and a pile of "obscene" sex toys

[From Crash Pad, one of the best sites on the internet for feminist porn,
censored to protect Tumblr’s delicate sensibilities.]

As I write this, sipping a chestnut praline latte at my local Starbucks, I know I’m living on borrowed time.

Last week, Starbucks caved to pressure from an anti-porn organization and announced that starting in 2019, they will be blocking “pornography and illegal content” on their wifi networks. This, of course, means the salacious and utterly disgraceful sex toy review blog you are currently reading will likely become inaccessible.

Then yesterday, Tumblr hammered the final nail in the coffin of their increasingly-aggressive crusade against adult content, stating that such content will no longer be allowed on the platform. Yeah, on Tumblr, the world’s leading supplier of porn GIFs.

What fucking year is this? 1992? Have you been on the internet? Or even your own goddamn website?

Tumblr’s blog post about the changes is called “A better, more positive Tumblr.” Gag me with a spoon. It’s filled with lip service over their so-called “community” and how much better it will be without bad actors like me. “Without this [adult] content,” the blog post states, “we have the opportunity to create a place where more people feel comfortable expressing themselves.” That’s… not how censorship goes. But sure, I love seeing my work and that of my peers deemed not welcoming or safe. Cool.

Their new policy defines “adult content” just as sloppily as you’d expect:

Don’t upload images, videos, or GIFs that show real-life human genitals or female-presenting nipples — this includes content that is so photorealistic that it could be mistaken for featuring real-life humans (nice try, though). Certain types of artistic, educational, newsworthy, or political content featuring nudity are fine. Don’t upload any content, including images, videos, GIFs, or illustrations, that depicts sex acts.


I’m so fucking tired of this. I’m so tired of dredging up the same arguments, trying desperately to distill my rage in a constructive way. Not only because this affects my livelihood and my friends’ livelihoods, and because it disproportionately hurts POC and marginalized people, but because it’s such an ass-backwards approach to solving the “problem.” We know the “just filter the bad stuff” tactic is impossible to implement at best and completely ineffectual at worst, so why are we still doing it?

Oh right, because sex. That’s how we handle sex in this country. By ridiculing, demonizing, and burying it. By plugging our ears and yelling LA LA LA CAN’T HEAR YOU.

I mean, if sex ed classes literally taught kids that sex can be pleasurable it would already be a dream come true. Adding discussions of consent, or accurate diagrams of the clitoris, would be groundbreaking. But when I think about sex ed in America, sometimes I go further and fantasize about implementing a program that teaches porn literacy. Like, what would the world be like if young people were exposed to queer, feminist porn? Imagine it. Imagine kids learning that sex is an incredible range of activities, not any one act. That communicating during sex isn’t scary. That all bodies and gender expressions are equally valid. That sex toys and safer sex practices are nothing to be ashamed of.

What if we taught young people how to consume porn, rather than acting like they’ll never watch it?

Siouxsie Q and Ramses Rodstein on Crash Pad

[Siouxsie Q and Ramses Rodstein on Crash Pad. It’s almost like they’re… having… fun?!]

Instead, I’ve watched Instagram ban feminist sex shops and sex workers, heard horror stories of PayPal shutting down accounts. Big payment processors have closed so-called “high risk” accounts of porn performers. YouTube sees fit to hide and demonetize LGBTQ videos. Facebook and Instagram constantly badger me to boost my posts, then refuse to take my dirty dirty money. It’s the same story: spineless corporations puffing themselves up, making a moral statement, acting like they’re protecting our innocent children. Lumping sex tirelessly, lazily, with violence. The passage of SESTA/FOSTA has only allowed these efforts to be more brazen.

As I was writing this, my Starbucks companion Amy said, “it’s like they want to uninvent sex.” Yes. It’s exactly like that.

All of us in the industry, we have stories. For a long time, despite having a verified account, I was shadow-banned on Twitter and invisible in all their searches. In 2011, Facebook disabled my account for the irredeemable offense of using a photo of a cup of coffee and a bullet vibrator as my avatar. A couple years later, I fell victim to their fucked up “real name policy.” To regain access to my account, I was forced to upload my government-issued ID, which was then used to re-name my blogging account to my legal name.

Once, I found myself on the phone with a man at Amazon, desperately trying to convince him to re-instate my affiliate account after I violated it by having nudity in my sidebar advertisements. (It was nipples. I guess they must’ve been “female-presenting” nipples.)

And I’ve been lucky.

But that’s what it’s like to exist in an industry that the rest of the world considers nefarious. We have to choose our blog hosting companies carefully, lest we inadvertently violate their terms of service. Crop and censor our photos. Make copious back-ups of our content. Juggle multiple social media platforms, since relying on any one platform would be too dangerous. We live knowing that our fan bases that we’ve built from years and years of work, the communities we’ve fostered, and our sources of income could be yanked out from under us at any moment.

We’re never really safe, not on any platform. Will my site be blacklisted? Will my dildos count as photorealistic? Who knows!

So if you like the work of people in the sex industry, be sure to follow us — and this week, that probably means away from Tumblr. Remember that these systems are against us. Support us however you can: subscribe to our work directly, interact with our social media posts, buy from our affiliate links, comment on and share our stuff, and please please please, pay for your porn.

Dec 102018
Review: Je Joue Bullets (Rabbit + G-Spot)

The Je Joue Bullets are not lookers, not at all. There’s a sense of utilitarianism about these vibrators — the buttons are basic raised bits, each charging port is covered by a silicone flap. Nothing’s shiny or bedazzled. The color is Je Joue’s signature sad purple, the saddest and stalest of the purples. (Although they recently came to their senses and unveiled sky blue versions, so I can finally sleep at night.)

There is very little that is outwardly impressive about these vibrators, but what makes them great cannot be seen by the naked eye. The price, yes, an attractive $59, but it’s more so the price in conjunction with the vibration quality. [. . . read the rest]

Dec 062018
Giveaway: win a bike tube harness!

Have you seen how beautiful the harnesses by Oxyd Creations are? Well if you haven’t, you’re in for a treat because I’M GIVING ONE AWAY! These 100% vegan harnesses are handmade in Canada from recycled bike tubes. They’re sturdy and sexy and lined with soft felt, with sizing options to accommodate any body size. I’m giving away the harness of your choice from Oxyd Creations, with or without bike gears!


Open to everyone, including international peeps! [. . . read the rest]

Nov 212018
Sex toy Black Friday + Cyber Monday sales!

GOBBLE GOBBLE, peeps. I’m here to help you get the best Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals on sex toys! If you’ve been waiting to buy something I raved about, now is probably the time. Discounts like these don’t happen on such a grand scale at any other time of the year. The best part? You can stay in your pajamas!

If you’ve been waiting for a good price on the sex toy of your dreams, now is the time to get it. I watch sales and deals all year long, but this is when retailers tend to pull out all the stops. [. . . read the rest]

Nov 182018
Review: Uberrime dildos (Splendid & Helios Sun God)

When I was but a wee sex toy reviewer, every new sex toy material was a treat. Not yet jaded by years of masturbatory ordeals, my vag was wowed by the smoothness of glass, the heft of stainless steel, the beauty of wood, the silkiness of silicone. Then I experienced luscious dual-density silicone, a true turning point. I quickly crowned it my favorite soft material and proceeded to stuff myself silly with dildos made out of it.

That was 8 years ago, that glorious time of squishy exploration, so now I tend to take such materials for granted. [. . . read the rest]

Nov 172018
Dildo carnival giveaway winners

It’s time to shut the dildo carnival down, folks. We’ve eaten a lot of corn dogs, played a bunch of games, and indulged in various carnival attractions, and now I get to hand out all the sex toy prizes. Of which there are MANY!

Below, I’ve listed the winners of the mini giveaway attractions, followed by the rest of the giveaway winners. All giveaway winners have been contacted.

If you didn’t win something, don’t despair: Black Friday is next week, and as usual I’ll be publishing a post featuring all the best sex toy sales. Sign up for my newsletter to stay in the loop, or keep an eye on my Twitter. [. . . read the rest]

Nov 132018
Review: Sona Cruise

You could almost hear the collective groan from the entire sex toy industry when LELO announced the Sona. After an insufferable year and a half of HEX HEX HI HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT OUR HEX, this is what they released. This is the cool new thing. And as per LELO protocol, boy do they want you to think it’s special and revolutionary and entirely their own idea, not at all influenced by the bevy of air flow clit stimulators that have flooded the market in recent years.

LELO calls the Sona a “sonic massager,” claiming that the toy uses “sonic waves and pulses” rather than vibration. [. . . read the rest]

Nov 052018
Review: Volta

I’m not the type to chase adventure. Some people hop on roller coasters, travel to far-off lands, skydive out of planes… but I don’t pine for that rush of adrenaline. I’m more of a homebody, thriving most on routine and safety. My idea of an exciting time? Masturbating with a bizarre new sex toy to determine, once and for all, how its weird shape feels against my genitals.

I first saw the Fun Factory Volta in a brief, fleeting Instagram video my friend sent me to ridicule. “It looks like a vibrating duck beak,” they said. “It scares me.” I showed the link to my girlfriend, who promptly typed back, “why does everyone want to slap the clit!”

But I was not scared. [. . . read the rest]

Oct 032018
Dildo carnival: a HUGE sex toy giveaway!

Pretty lights; sweet, crispy deep-fried dough; the rush of adrenaline as you narrowly escape with your life — there’s just something magical about carnivals. So, to celebrate 11 years of sex toy blogging, I decided to throw a DILDO CARNIVAL! Where instead of winning a lousy stuffed animal you didn’t really want anyway, you can win a fancy sex toy of your choice.

[All graphics by the amazing Aerie.]

In this carnival, I’m giving away the best sex toys on earth — as judged by my discerning genitals. I’ve got everything from vibrators to dildos to butt stuff to penis toys to harnesses to gender products, plus gift cards for the indecisive and a porn membership for the pervs! [. . . read the rest]

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