Oct 032018

Pretty lights; sweet, crispy deep-fried dough; the rush of adrenaline as you narrowly escape with your life — there’s just something magical about carnivals. So, to celebrate 11 years of sex toy blogging, I decided to throw a DILDO CARNIVAL! Where instead of winning a lousy stuffed animal you didn’t really want anyway, you can win a fancy sex toy of your choice.

Epiphora's DILDO CARNIVAL: a huge sex toy giveaway!

[All graphics by the amazing Aerie.]

In this carnival, I’m giving away the best sex toys on earth — as judged by my discerning genitals. I’ve got everything from vibrators to dildos to butt stuff to penis toys to harnesses to gender products, plus gift cards for the indecisive and a porn membership for the pervs! There are even a bunch of “winner’s choice” prizes, where you can win any sex toy you desire from the catalogs of WomanizerVixen CreationsNew York Toy Collective, and Split Peaches. [Skip straight to the giveaway widget here.]

As always, classic favorites such as the Eroscillator, Pure Wand, and Mona 2 are up for grabs, but there’s also new stuff this year, such as the Fun Factory Stronic G, Tenga Iroha+, Je Joue Rabbit BulletToyfriend Snazzy, Fun Factory Volta, and SenseVibe. Most of these prizes are valued at or over $100, because I have expensive taste and you deserve good shit. Plus, a majority of the prizes are available to international folks!

🎪  Mini giveaway attractions!  🎪

What would a carnival be without attractions? This year, in addition to the giveaway widget below, I’ll be running an array of mini giveaways on social media! These attractions will be unveiled and updated here as the giveaway goes on. Stay in-the-know with this handy Google Calendar listing all the attractions, and/or follow me on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook.

More details: all mini giveaways are open internationally. You may enter the same mini giveaway on multiple social networks to increase your chances. Folks who win mini giveaways will still be eligible to win another sex toy via the widget.


Status: LIVE

Magic Show — win a Vibratex Magic Wand Rechargeable!

Ends: Friday, 11/9 at 11:59 pm PST

Five (!!) lucky winners will receive the best magic wand of all: the Magic Wand Rechargeable, donated by Vibratex. To enter to win this prize, comment on this post with a memorable quote from one of my blog posts, including a link. You may comment more than once to increase your chances, as long as each separate comment is about a different quote. My favorite responses (hint: you’ll probably want to go beyond simply pasting the quote) will each win a Magic Wand Rechargeable.


Status: LIVE

Dildo Ring Toss — win a tie-bright Vixen dildo!

Enter now:

On Twitter On Instagram On Facebook
Ends: Wednesday, 10/17

Finally, a game that’s fun and rewarding! Step right up for a chance to win a Tie-Bright VixSkin dildo of your choice, donated by SheVibe. I love these squishy dual-density dildos — especially in the tie-bright coloration!



Claw Machine — win a We-Vibe Sync or Rave!

Begins: Thursday, 10/18

Ooh, what’s hiding there among the stuffed animals? That’d be the We-Vibe Sync, a unique vibe that can be worn during penetration, and the versatile We-Vibe Rave, donated by We-Vibe. You control the claw — which toy do you pick?



Haunted House — win an njoy Pure Wand!

Begins: Thursday, 10/25

Get spooked in the haunted house, where you could win the frighteningly-good njoy Pure Wand, donated by Spectrum Boutique. It is, fittingly, a G-spot dildo that could double as a murder weapon.



Petting Zoo — win a SheVibe gift card!

Begins: Friday, 11/2

For our final event, take a trip to the petting zoo to touch the strange gremlin and his fuzzy companion! Oh, yeah, and enter to win a $125 gift card to SheVibe.


Status: CLOSED (Congrats, Den!)

Concession Stand — win a Hole Punch Toys gift card!
Ended: Friday, 10/12

Need a bite to eat? Visit the concession stand and enter to win a $125 gift card to Hole Punch Toys, donated by Hole Punch Toys, to put toward any fantastical sex toy they make — including, appropriately, an ice cream shaped toy.


Status: LIVE

Guessing Game — win a Spectrum Boutique gift card!

Enter now:

On Twitter On Instagram On Facebook
Ends: Friday, 10/19

How many tiny dildos are in the jar? Submit your best guess and correct answers will be entered to win a $125 gift card to the lovely Spectrum Boutique — plus a handful of tiny dildos from Funkit Toys.



Stronic Races — win a Fun Factory Stronic!

Betting begins: Monday, 10/22
Race takes place: Monday, 10/29 (time TBA)

Fun Factory’s Stronic Pulsators are self-thrusting sex toys unlike anything else. Take bets on which one will cross the finish line first in a live race, and correct predictors will be entered to win the Stronic Pulsator of their choice, donated by Fun Factory.



Candy Cart — win a LELO Mona 2!

Begins: Tuesday, 10/30

Satisfy your sweet tooth and enter to win the LELO Mona 2, donated by Spectrum Boutique. This well-rounded and versatile vibrator tops my list of favorites time and time again.

How to enter

Read about each of the prizes below, sorted by those open to international entrants and those restricted to US entrants. Choose up to 5 prizes you want most (carefully — you can’t change your picks after you’ve entered), then enter using the widget below or on the giveaway landing page.

Read before entering: Take note of the specific account you used to sign in, as you will need it again if you return on a different day. To ensure your entries are properly counted, please disable any ad-blocking extensions or software before entering. Some entry techniques require Gleam authentication. Do not be alarmed; this simply makes it easier for me to verify entries. Problems? Email hello@gleam.io, or me.

Dildo carnival: a HUGE sex toy giveaway!

This giveaway ends Friday, November 9th at 11:59 pm PST.

BIG HUGS to all the fantastic companies who donated: Babeland, Blush, Crystal Delights, Dallas Novelty, Doxy, Early to Bed, Fun Factory, Good Vibrations, Hole Punch Toys, Hot Octopuss, Je JoueLELO, Liberator, Lovehoney, New York Toy Collective, Number One LaboratoryPeepshow Toys, Pink & White, Pleasure Chest, SheVibeSmitten KittenSpectrum Boutique, Split PeachesStockroom, Tenga, Tickler, Vibratex, Vixen Creations, We-Vibe, Womanizer, and Zumio.

Y’all are rockstars.

Open to everyone / international entrants

Note: while these generous donors have agreed to ship internationally, there may still be restrictions shipping to certain countries. Please read descriptions carefully.

Fun Factory Stronic G pulsatorThe Fun Factory Stronic G, donated by Fun Factory.

The Stronic G does not vibrate; it THRUSTS. And the G-spot stimulation from its hooked shape is immense. I often crave it specifically — a sure sign of excellence in my household.

LELO Mona 2 vibrator

The LELO Mona 2, donated by LELO.

I never tire of giving away Monas. This unstoppable vibrator is well-rounded as fuck, with a vibration range that could suit almost anyone. It’s so good I own three of them.

$125 gift card to Smitten Kitten
A $125 gift card to Smitten Kitten.

Not seeing the toy of your dreams on this list? Snag a gift card to this progressive, feminist sex shop and you can choose whatever you want from their lovingly-curated selection.

Womanizer ProThe Womanizer of your choice, donated by Womanizer.

Easily one of the most innovative sex toys of the past several years, the Womanizer stimulates with air and suction rather than vibration. It is peculiar and, I must say, quite pleasurable.

njoy Pure Plug butt plug

The njoy Pure Plug in your choice of size, donated by njoy.

One time I joked about the stainless steel Pure Plug staying with me after I die, placed in a nook next to my urn. I do not regret this. This butt plug is perfection incarnate.

Winner will be responsible for any customs/duties fees.

Tenga Iroha+ Kushi vibratorThe Tenga Iroha+ of your choice, donated by Tenga.

Tenga’s Iroha+ line offers something most other rechargeable vibes do not: SQUISH. They’re also freaking adorable and have excellent vibrations. Choose from Kushi, Tori, or Yoru.

Zumio S vibrator

The Zumio S, donated by Zumio. Two of them!

A super pinpoint rechargeable vibrator that impressed me greatly with its unique stimulation. The S version features a larger, softer tip and lower levels of intensity.

Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness

The Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness, donated by Dallas Novelty.

So comfortable, so adjustable, so perfect. This harness, my favorite of all time, makes strap-on sex worth having.

Crystal Delights Epiphora-Exclusive dildo of your choice

The Crystal Delights Epiphora-Exclusive dildo of your choice, donated by Crystal Delights.

Fact: Crystal Delights makes both of my favorite glass dildos: the swirly Crystal Twist and bumpy Star Delight. Win this prize and you can have whichever one you’d like, with special Epiphora-colored Swarovski crystal base.

We-Vibe Pleasure Mate Collection

The We-Vibe Pleasure Mate Collection, donated by We-Vibe.

My world changed when I discovered hands-free orgasms thanks to two toys in this collection — the Dusk “butt plug” and Tango vibrator combined.

LELO Loki prostate vibrator

The LELO Loki, donated by LELO.

It’s the BUTT MONA! For your butt! With a flared base! Because you should put vibrating things in your butt! Also, that blue.

Crystal Delights Minx Tail of your choice

The Crystal Delights Minx Tail of your choice, donated by Crystal Delights.

A glorious glass butt plug with a tail attached, just for you! Which will it be — a pony tail, a bunny tail, or a fluffy fur tail?


A Fleshlight of your choice, donated by Dallas Novelty.

The years go by, and the Fleshlight remains the gold standard for my most treasured penis owner (my boyfriend). With this prize, you have your pick of the litter.

A year membership to Crash Pad Series

A year membership to Crash Pad Series, donated by Pink & White.

Yeah. I’m jealous of this prize. Crash Pad Series is full of sizzling hot queer porn and they have sorting options up the wazoo — so if you want to see a scene starring Chelsea Poe (swoon) or featuring strap-ons, you can do that in 2 seconds flat.

We-Vibe Pivot cock ring

The We-Vibe Pivot, donated by We-Vibe.

If there’s anyone I trust to make a quality luxury cock ring, it’s We-Vibe. The vibrations in this thing are amazingly rumbly — and you can control the toy with an app!

We-Vibe Touch vibrator

The We-Vibe Touch, donated by We-Vibe.

This petite rechargeable vibe is small enough to nestle in the palm, but equipped with enough oomph to satisfy. That’s a hard combo to find!

Crystal Delights anal plug of your choiceThe Crystal Delights anal plug of your choice, donated by Crystal Delights.

Honestly, in a world where Crystal Delights butt plugs exist, I’m annoyed when any glass plug doesn’t have a Swarovski crystal in its base. With this prize, choose the plug shape and crystal color of your wildest dreams!

Split Peaches toy of your choice

The Split Peaches toy of your choice, donated by Split Peaches.

Three words: rainbow unicorn dildos. YEAH. Split Peaches makes a variety of fun shapes cast in vibrant 100% silicone. This prize grants you the choice between any of their designs.

Winner CANNOT live in Alabama, Russia, Brazil, Mexico, India, the Middle East, Singapore, Philippines, Thailand, Maldives, UAE, Vietnam, or Malaysia.

We-Vibe Ditto butt plug

The We-Vibe Ditto, donated by We-Vibe.

Want to give someone a jolt of vibration in their ass from anywhere on earth? You can do that (and many other things) with this app-responsive butt plug.

njoy Pure Wand dildo

The njoy Pure Wand, donated by njoy.

Oh, only the toy that has taught millions1 of vaginas to squirt. Just one of the greatest G-spotting dildos of all time. Your G-spot will sing like a choir of angels. Whatever.

Winner will be responsible for any customs/duties fees.

Eroscillator 2 Plus vibratorThe Eroscillator 2 Plus Soft Finger Combo, donated by SheVibe.

Look past its fugly exterior to the toy within — this toy oscillates, and it feels different and deeper than a traditional vibrator. Plus it has stood the test of time, holding up as one of the greatest clitoral stimulators I’ve ever tried.

SenseMax SenseVibe vibratorThe SenseVibe, donated by SenseMax.

One of my favorite things to put on my clit, the SenseVibe features two motors which chug along in tandem, creating profoundly satisfying vibrations. Choose between the heated or non-heated version.

Tenga Flip Zero EV vibrating masturbation sleeve

The Tenga Flip Zero EV of your choice, donated by Tenga.

Known as makers as some of the best masturbation sleeves around, Tenga recently upgraded their Flip Zero sleeve by adding VIBRATIONS! That’s right; this puppy is rechargeable. Put yer dick in it.

Doxy Die Cast vibrator

The (sparkle!) Doxy Die Cast, donated by Doxy.

LOOK. IT IS SPARKLY LIKE DOROTHY’S SLIPPERS. It comes in red, purple, black, and white sparkle! Do I really have to say more? Fine, it’s a very good wand vibrator too.

Open to winners in North America, South America, Australia, New Zealand, and Europe.

We-Vibe Tango vibratorThe We-Vibe Tango, donated by We-Vibe.

Small but very mighty, the We-Vibe Tango will rattle your clit into oblivion. Subtlety will not be involved. This is a bullet vibrator for the record books.

$125 gift card to Peepshow Toys

A $125 gift card to Peepshow Toys!

Have your eye on a toy that’s not on this list? Pick out whatever you’d like with this gift card! I love Peepshow’s commitment to body-safe products, and they stock a lot of my favorite things.


The LELO Sona, donated by LELO.

The Sona is a clit-enveloping sex toy that uses sonic waves — not vibration — to stimulate. Oooh, ahhh.

We-Vibe Rave vibrator

The We-Vibe Rave, donated by Lovehoney.

Intriguingly asymmetrical in its shape, the Rave is a wonderful external or internal toy, and it can be controlled with a phone app. From anywhere, yo.

A VixSkin dildo of your choice

A VixSkin dildo of your choice, donated by Vixen Creations.

Ooh, friend, if you haven’t experienced VixSkin dual-density silicone yet, you must. It will spoil you for life. Choose from any of Vixen’s amazing designs — my faves are the Buck, Mustang, and Maverick — available internationally in this giveaway for the first time!

Je Joue Ami kegel balls and Rabbit Bullet vibrator

The Je Joue Ami and Rabbit Bullet, donated by Je Joue.

This little dual-eared toy impressed my notoriously picky clit with its fluttery vibrations. But wait, there’s more! This prize also includes a set of high-quality kegel balls.

LELO Siri 2 vibrator

The LELO Siri 2, donated by LELO.

With its surprisingly powerful motor, LELO’s egg-shaped Siri is definitely a contender for best rechargeable clitoral vibe on the market. I also appreciate its thought-out controls.

Hot Octopuss Pulse III Duo

The Hot Octopuss Pulse III Duo, donated by Hot Octopuss.

The Pulse is one of the most unique penis toys on the market. It can be used while hard or flaccid, with or without a partner, and this version even comes with a remote control.

Spareparts Hardwear Tomboi harness

The Spareparts Hardwear Tomboi or Tomboii, donated by Dallas Novelty.

Wanna fuck, but still wanna look like the cutest queer on the block? Boom: the Tomboi and Tomboii underwear-style harnesses, where comfort and efficiency go hand in hand.

njoy Eleven dildo

The njoy Eleven, donated by njoy.

It weighs three pounds. You can kill intruders with it. You can also stuff your orifices to the brim with it, if you dare — this stainless steel beast is 2″ in diameter at its widest.

Winner will be responsible for any customs/duties fees.

$125 credit to the gender expression category on Early to Bed

A $125 credit to the gender expression category at Early to Bed!

Get a cool hundred-and-twenty-five to spend in Early to Bed’s impressive gender expression category, which includes packers, binders, sleeves, DVDs, harnesses, STPs, and more!

LELO Hugo prostate vibrator

The LELO Hugo, donated by LELO.

This prostate toy is freakishly powerful and controlled via remote, so you can buzz your prostate into oblivion from afar (or near).

KinkLab Neon Wand

The Neon Wand, donated by Stockroom.

I didn’t think electrostim was my thing, and then I tried the Neon Wand. The adjustable intensity dial and array of electrode attachments make this a versatile sensation toy. Zap zap!

Open to U.S. entrants only

BJ Dildo

The BJ Dildo, donated by Number One Laboratory.

Y’all, this is a very important product. If you snuggle the base against someone’s body and suck on the tip, the suction transfers to the wearer’s genitals!

New York Toy Collective toy of your choice

The New York Toy Collective toy of your choice, donated by New York Toy Collective.

Silicone realistic dildos with bendable inner cores? That you can pack and play with? Yes, it’s true, and the cushion of these dildos makes them awesome for strap-on play.

Fun Factory Butt Pack (Bootie + B Ball Uno + Flexi Felix)

The Butt Pack (Bootie + B Ball Uno + Flexi Felix), donated by Fun Factory.

Why settle for one anal toy when you can win THREE? With the perfectly-curved Bootie plug, the jiggle-ball-containing B Ball Uno, and Flexi Felix anal beads, this set is a great introduction to anal play.

Jopen Key Comet II Wand G-spot vibrator

The Jopen Key Comet II Wand, donated by Good Vibrations.

This silicone-dipped vibrator is disgustingly good at G-spotting. The drag of the silicone is amazing at replicating the “come hither” motion that G-spots love.

Open to winners in the US and Canada.

Liberator Throe

The Liberator Throe, donated by Liberator.

The most water-resistant sex blanket available today. You, too, can experience the peace of mind that comes with having a Throe under your butt.

Open to winners in the continental US.

Fun Factory Tiger G5 vibrator

The Tiger G5, donated by Fun Factory.

Powerful, flexible, and intuitive, the Tiger G5 is a triumph of modern vibrator-making. It’s also adorned with subtle ridges for added stimulation.

Babeland Mustang dildo

The Babeland Mustang, donated by Babeland.

Made of unbeatable dual-density silicone, the Mustang is a perfectly-shaped dildo that never disappoints. This is Babeland’s exclusive version in striking black and pink!

Open to winners in the US and Canada.

Fun Factory Volta vibrator

The Volta, donated by Fun Factory.

With delicious vibrations channeled through flickering tips, the Volta is an oddly-shaped vibrator that actually works. If you’re into pinpoint simulation, this is a must have.

Liberator Wedge

The Liberator Wedge, donated by Liberator.

Sex positions become infinitely better — and oh my god, easier — when you have a Wedge lying around. Truly, one of the unsung heroes of my repertoire.

Open to winners in the continental US.

Toyfriend Snazzy vibratorThe Toyfriend Snazzy, donated by Tickler.

Bless this wonderful vulva-shaped vibrator. The Snazzy is made with buttery-smooth silicone, and its range of rumbly vibration intensities make me love it even more.

Open to winners in North America.

$125 prize package from Blush

A $125 prize package from Blush.

Cherry-pick exactly which toys you want most from Blush’s selection of vibrators, dildos, butt plugs and beyond. Their Avant line in particular has some very adorable toys in it.

Open to winners in the US and Canada. 18+ with age verification required.

Aslan Jaguar harness

The Aslan Jaguar harness, donated by Pleasure Chest.

This legendary harness is generally (and rightfully) regarded as one of the best. Made with soft leather and sexy as fuck, the Jaguar excels both functionally and aesthetically.


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Sep 242018
Sex toy news: epic girth and vibrating tendrils

VIXEN MADE A NEW DILDO! Unfortunately, it’s too effing big for my vagina! The Gambler (such a good name) is nearly 3″ in diameter — an epic challenge of girth. But Bex conquered it!

Vixen has also been quietly adding special edition versions of their toys to their site, including anal beads that look like jawbreakers, a galaxy-swirled Hitachi attachment, and colorful pop art inspired Mustangs. Very cute!

What a coincidence: around the same time I roasted Aneros’ Evi for being a useless blob, they’ve announced a vibrating version. Insert pondering emoji.

Crystal dildo maker Chakrubs has expanded into wood. [. . . read the rest]

Sep 042018
Jack-off Journal #22

September 19, 2017

Decided to livetweet slathering my genitals with weed-enhanced lubricant spray. I’d done it once before, with my vulva, to uninspiring results, so this time I decided to try it in my ass. Reasonable, yes? I already had a butt plug in, so I removed it and re-inserted it with a generous coating of the spray.

DEAR LORD, IT FELT LIKE FIRE. “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,” I said out loud, in a mild panic. The sensation mellowed quickly, but it was followed by something else I should’ve expected and yet somehow hadn’t: I felt myself getting actually stoned. [. . . read the rest]

Aug 212018
Review: Vibrator Nation

I proudly identify as a “dildo slinger” — that’s a much way cooler way of saying “sex toy retail worker.” In addition to writing this blog, I have worked at a local sex toy boutique for nearly 8 years. It’s a unique, misunderstood job, one that often elicits perplexed looks and palpable silence. Rarely is this work given the credit it deserves, so when I picked up Lynn Comella’s Vibrator Nation: How Feminist Sex-Toy Stores Changed the Business of Pleasure, I was relieved to sink into a world where my career was treated with respect and nuance.

Comella has done the work. [. . . read the rest]

Aug 172018
Giveaway: win sex toys for you and a friend!

Did you hear? I’ve partnered with one of my newest affiliates, Spectrum Boutique, to spoil you AND a friend with amazing sex toys! Spectrum is a hip Detroit-based online sex shop run by Zoë Ligon dedicated to body-safe toys and radical inclusion. They are rad and they stock many of my favorite things, so it was very easy to put together a bundle of fantastic products to give away.

Each winner can choose between this bundle or $200 to spend at Spectrum! The bundle includes the legendary njoy Pure Wand G-spotting dildo, powerful We-Vibe Tango bullet vibe, and a bottle of body-safe lube from Sliquid! [. . . read the rest]

Jul 032018
The things we've built

GAY BEACH GIRLFROND FUNTIMES SUPERBLORPS. That’s what our shared calendar said. We planned the trip on a whim: several nights at the coast, in an adorable house we found on Airbnb. A quick drive a couple hours from the city and there we were, on the beach, walking in the surf and holding hands. Squealing when the water rushed against our legs more strongly than anticipated.

Aerie had brought some new sand toys, including a hilarious sand drill, so we picked a spot and began erecting a sand city together. Sure, we could’ve stopped after a few Taj Mahals and Leaning Towers of Pisa, but we were too invested. [. . . read the rest]

Jun 152018
Review: Swan Wand, Mini Swan Wand + Swan Curve

When I hear the word “swan,” I think of a few things. Grace. Elegance. The color white. Bjork. Overwrought symbols of romance. Ostentatious pool floaties. And, because the folds of my brain are lined with a freakishly encyclopedic knowledge of sex toys, I think of a line of rechargeable vibrators called Swan.

Swan is not the manufacturer. The toys are actually produced by BMS Factory, a company that prefers to mysteriously hide behind the names of their various toy lines. They make the favorably-reviewed Leaf and PalmPower lines, others called Pillow Talk and Lux, and the motors in some stuff from Jopen. [. . . read the rest]

Jun 032018
Rainbow dildos, queer butt plugs, and gay sex toys ahoy!

Once upon a time, sex toys were either pink, purple, or a hideous shade of beige I’ve heard described as “silly putty,” “bandaid,” or “uncooked hot dog.” It was an era of churning out questionable designs in stinky toxic materials, characterized by companies’ hyper fixation on catering to the only target market they could imagine: straight, white, young, non-disabled cis women. (And a stereotypical understanding of them, at that.)

But now, decades later, any sex toy manufacturer who’s been paying attention has realized that’s a really narrow view of sex toy users. More social-justice-minded companies now market their toys based on what the products do rather than prescribing who they’re for, and the color palette has expanded considerably.  [. . . read the rest]

May 192018
Rock your G-spot giveaway winners!

Recently, somebody pointed out to me just how far my giveaways have come. An old giveaway from the early days of my blog fetched 30 entrants, which at the time was impressive. Now, here I am writing a wrap-up post for my most recent giveaway, Rock your G-spot, which garnered over 2,000 individual entrants. W. T. F.

Of course, this time I was giving away something much much cooler: 8 self-thrusting Stronic G toys from Fun Factory. But still, I’m forever amazed at the response, and especially the amazing artistic entries. SO MANY GOOD ONES, you guys! I’m excited to share them with you here. [. . . read the rest]

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