Nov 172018

Mini giveaway attractions in my dildo carnival sex toy giveaway

It’s time to shut the dildo carnival down, folks. We’ve eaten a lot of corn dogs, played a bunch of games, and indulged in various carnival attractions, and now I get to hand out all the sex toy prizes. Of which there are MANY!

Below, I’ve listed the winners of the mini giveaway attractions, followed by the rest of the giveaway winners. All giveaway winners have been contacted.

If you didn’t win something, don’t despair: Black Friday is next week, and as usual I’ll be publishing a post featuring all the best sex toy sales. Sign up for my newsletter to stay in the loop, or keep an eye on my Twitter.


For the chance to win a Magic Wand Rechargeable, donated by Vibratex, I asked folks to comment with a memorable quote from my blog. After much deliberation, I chose the following five winners.

Timid, who called the intro to my Mimic review “a beautiful encapsulation of righteous anger, from someone who has power and isn’t afraid to use it.”

Amy, who recalled laughing uproariously at the line “nature clearly didn’t take anuses into account when crafting the carrot,” from my review of Hole Punch Toys, and how it made her feel less weird about reading a sex blog.

AT, who did the most amazing dramatic reading of my Taffy Tickler review — you need to hear it immediately.

M, who remembered lying in bed in their dorm room after their sorority girl roommate had left for the night, comforted by my rage at the Lowe Aurora, a ridiculous contraption about which I wrote, “it’s like someone thought to themselves, how can we combine crushing beauty standards and sex toys?

April, a writer who felt so validated by my honesty in my post Becoming a real writer she was inspired to start journaling again.


In this mini giveaway, I asked for your all-time favorite carnival food for a chance to win a $125 gift card to Hole Punch Toys, donated by Hole Punch Toys. The most common answer was probably funnel cake, but I loved the tales of freakish carnival creations such as a hot dog topped with mac and cheese. Congrats to the winner, Den!


To enter to win a Tie-Bright VixSkin dildo, donated by SheVibe, I asked folks to describe their sex life in emojis. Obviously, the answers were fantastic: stuff like 🐻💜🐷 👉🏻 🍑✊🏻🙏🏻👋🏻 and 🍑📱💌🌃📱💬🍆 and 🦗🦗🦗. Congrats to the winner, Awe Someness!


How many tiny dildos were in the jar? The correct answer was 81, which was guessed by 17 people! Congrats to the winner, Vera Leigh, who won a $125 gift card to Spectrum Boutique — plus a handful of tiny dildos from Funkit Toys. Special shout-out to my mom for letting me borrow that big-ass jar.


For this mini giveaway, I gave away the We-Vibe Sync and We-Vibe Rave, donated by We-VibeCongrats to the winners, Kendra and babytoki, and thanks to Aerie for letting me use their stuffed animals for my photo. (Even if my idea to use handcuffs to represent the claw did not work out.)


After you all took bets on which self-thrusting toy would cross the finish line first, I held a live race to find out. Definitely one of the most ridiculous things I’ve done for this blog. Congrats to the winner, Shanah, who correctly bet on the Stronic G and won the Stronic Pulsator of their choice, donated by Fun Factory.


Of course I had to give away the iconic njoy Pure Wand, donated by Spectrum BoutiqueCongrats to the winner, Ken, and special thanks to my friend Nicolette who let me take my photo with her spooky things.


The delectable LELO Mona 2, donated by Spectrum Boutique, was up for grabs in this mini giveaway. Congrats to the winner, Jessey, and shout-out to my partner for posing tirelessly for my photo.


Those hoping to win a $125 gift card to SheVibe were asked to write a caption for this outrageous photo of my cats. There were SO MANY GOOD CAPTIONS. Congrats, eve.of.flight, and thanks to my poor cats for putting up with my antics! The winning caption was: “Soon,” Boris promised himself. He would play the fool no longer. The only thing left was to choose the instrument of Chowder’s demise…

HUGE THANKS to all the fantastic companies who donated: Babeland, Blush, Crystal Delights, Dallas Novelty, Doxy, Early to Bed, Fun Factory, Good Vibrations, Hole Punch Toys, Hot Octopuss, Je JoueLELO, Liberator, Lovehoney, New York Toy Collective, Number One LaboratoryPeepshow Toys, Pink & White, Pleasure Chest, SheVibeSmitten KittenSpectrum Boutique, Split PeachesStockroom, Tenga, Tickler, Vibratex, Vixen Creations, We-Vibe, Womanizer, and Zumio.

You are all so generous and lovely!

Nov 132018
Review: Sona Cruise

You could almost hear the collective groan from the entire sex toy industry when LELO announced the Sona. After an insufferable year and a half of HEX HEX HI HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT OUR HEX, this is what they released. This is the cool new thing. And as per LELO protocol, boy do they want you to think it’s special and revolutionary and entirely their own idea, not at all influenced by the bevy of air flow clit stimulators that have flooded the market in recent years.

LELO calls the Sona a “sonic massager,” claiming that the toy uses “sonic waves and pulses” rather than vibration. [. . . read the rest]

Nov 052018
Review: Volta

I’m not the type to chase adventure. Some people hop on roller coasters, travel to far-off lands, skydive out of planes… but I don’t pine for that rush of adrenaline. I’m more of a homebody, thriving most on routine and safety. My idea of an exciting time? Masturbating with a bizarre new sex toy to determine, once and for all, how its weird shape feels against my genitals.

I first saw the Fun Factory Volta in a brief, fleeting Instagram video my friend sent me to ridicule. “It looks like a vibrating duck beak,” they said. “It scares me.” I showed the link to my girlfriend, who promptly typed back, “why does everyone want to slap the clit!”

But I was not scared. [. . . read the rest]

Oct 032018
Dildo carnival: a HUGE sex toy giveaway!

Pretty lights; sweet, crispy deep-fried dough; the rush of adrenaline as you narrowly escape with your life — there’s just something magical about carnivals. So, to celebrate 11 years of sex toy blogging, I decided to throw a DILDO CARNIVAL! Where instead of winning a lousy stuffed animal you didn’t really want anyway, you can win a fancy sex toy of your choice.

[All graphics by the amazing Aerie.]

In this carnival, I’m giving away the best sex toys on earth — as judged by my discerning genitals. I’ve got everything from vibrators to dildos to butt stuff to penis toys to harnesses to gender products, plus gift cards for the indecisive and a porn membership for the pervs! [. . . read the rest]

Sep 242018
Sex toy news: epic girth and vibrating tendrils

VIXEN MADE A NEW DILDO! Unfortunately, it’s too effing big for my vagina! The Gambler (such a good name) is nearly 3″ in diameter — an epic challenge of girth. But Bex conquered it!

Vixen has also been quietly adding special edition versions of their toys to their site, including anal beads that look like jawbreakers, a galaxy-swirled Hitachi attachment, and colorful pop art inspired Mustangs. Very cute!

What a coincidence: around the same time I roasted Aneros’ Evi for being a useless blob, they’ve announced a vibrating version. Insert pondering emoji.

Crystal dildo maker Chakrubs has expanded into wood. [. . . read the rest]

Sep 042018
Jack-off Journal #22

September 19, 2017

Decided to livetweet slathering my genitals with weed-enhanced lubricant spray. I’d done it once before, with my vulva, to uninspiring results, so this time I decided to try it in my ass. Reasonable, yes? I already had a butt plug in, so I removed it and re-inserted it with a generous coating of the spray.

DEAR LORD, IT FELT LIKE FIRE. “Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy,” I said out loud, in a mild panic. The sensation mellowed quickly, but it was followed by something else I should’ve expected and yet somehow hadn’t: I felt myself getting actually stoned. [. . . read the rest]

Aug 212018
Review: Vibrator Nation

I proudly identify as a “dildo slinger” — that’s a much way cooler way of saying “sex toy retail worker.” In addition to writing this blog, I have worked at a local sex toy boutique for nearly 8 years. It’s a unique, misunderstood job, one that often elicits perplexed looks and palpable silence. Rarely is this work given the credit it deserves, so when I picked up Lynn Comella’s Vibrator Nation: How Feminist Sex-Toy Stores Changed the Business of Pleasure, I was relieved to sink into a world where my career was treated with respect and nuance.

Comella has done the work. [. . . read the rest]

Aug 172018
Giveaway: win sex toys for you and a friend!

Did you hear? I’ve partnered with one of my newest affiliates, Spectrum Boutique, to spoil you AND a friend with amazing sex toys! Spectrum is a hip Detroit-based online sex shop run by Zoë Ligon dedicated to body-safe toys and radical inclusion. They are rad and they stock many of my favorite things, so it was very easy to put together a bundle of fantastic products to give away.

Each winner can choose between this bundle or $200 to spend at Spectrum! The bundle includes the legendary njoy Pure Wand G-spotting dildo, powerful We-Vibe Tango bullet vibe, and a bottle of body-safe lube from Sliquid! [. . . read the rest]

Jul 032018
The things we've built

GAY BEACH GIRLFROND FUNTIMES SUPERBLORPS. That’s what our shared calendar said. We planned the trip on a whim: several nights at the coast, in an adorable house we found on Airbnb. A quick drive a couple hours from the city and there we were, on the beach, walking in the surf and holding hands. Squealing when the water rushed against our legs more strongly than anticipated.

Aerie had brought some new sand toys, including a hilarious sand drill, so we picked a spot and began erecting a sand city together. Sure, we could’ve stopped after a few Taj Mahals and Leaning Towers of Pisa, but we were too invested. [. . . read the rest]

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