Feb 112019

Tantus Magma dildos

One of my favorite dildos — which was tragically discontinued years ago — has risen from the dead! Once known as the Tantus Splash, it’s now called the Magma and comes in a softer silicone. Hopefully I can still feel those stimulating drips!

Our old friend the Hitachi Magic Wand is getting another iteration, and my vulva is flushing with excitement! It’s called the Magic Wand Plus, a corded vibe with a smooth silicone head and the same settings as the Magic Wand Rechargeable, finally at a lower price point. YES YES YES.

Dame Pom vibrator and marketing image

Dame, the company responsible for the nightmare that was/is the Eva, has released the kind of toy I suggested people buy instead of the Eva: a simple, compact rechargeable vibe. It’s called Pom, and my favorite part is actually Dame’s marketing of it, which casually features a trans guy.

Speaking of marketing choices, b-Vibe’s new campaign “Every Body Has a Butt” is what all sex toy advertising should be like.

Jimmyjane Focus vibratorThis new vibrator from Jimmyjane looks like a cross between an enema bulb, a toothbrush, and the Zumio. Please don’t put it up your butt, in your mouth, or, probably, against your genitals.

I could regurgitate a laundry list of tech-y features of LELO’s new masturbation sleeve here, or I could just tell you the only thing you need to know: it comes with LELO-branded fingerless gloves, “to go with the item’s Formula One auto racing theme.”

Fun Factory Manta penis vibratorOkay yes it is very reminiscent of a lobster claw, but I have faith that the Fun Factory Manta could be a surprisingly stimulating toy — like an enlarged, more penis-focused version of the Volta.

In related news, Satisfyer’s new batch of vibrators are almost all blatant rip-offs of Fun Factory toys. Way to play the game fairly. The most offensive one, in my opinion? The “Petting Hippo,” obviously modeled after Fun Factory’s iconic Patchy Paul. They turned a worm into a goddamn hippo. (Fun Factory, meanwhile, has been respectfully quiet save for this subtle burn.)

Emojibator Chickie vibratorBack when Emojibator was making vibrators shaped like eggplants and bananas, it made sense. Now they’re making an inflating shark and a demented-looking chick with a bubble butt. You do you, I guess?!

This edition of “Sex toy news” appeared originally in my newsletter,
Epiphora’s Snark Digest. Sign up to get it.

Jan 222019
The Coming Out Interviews, pt. 2: Mom, I'm a sex blogger

The memory’s a bit of a blur now, but almost 7 years ago, I was standing in the bathroom at my parents’ house, mentally preparing myself to tell them I had a sex blog. I knew everything would be okay in the end, and it was — but I could’ve never anticipated just how genuinely my parents, and my mom in particular, would come to encourage and champion this unorthodox career.

Coming out as a sex blogger was my second coming out. My first took place at age 14, when I wrote a letter to my parents confessing that I liked girls. [. . . read the rest]

Dec 312018
Epiphora's best and worst sex toys of 2018

Before we give the middle finger to 2018, please come along with me on a romp through the year in my life and sex toys! It was a year of low-key shenanigans: I pulled off a viscous yet glittery April Fools’ prank, attended a few sex parties, started keeping a journal again, took a cute romantic trip, read a lot of smutty fan fiction, watched a ton of CockyBoys, and went to amateur porn film festival HUMP! twice — once with my mom. (She loved it.) I said goodbye to my sweet 17-year-old kitty and healed my soul with some much-needed Melissa Etheridge. [. . . read the rest]

Dec 212018
Review: Queen Bee

Me, masturbating: uh, don’t mind me, I’m just over here jamming this ugly-ass hairbrush-lookin’ thing against my vulva in a feeble attempt to orgasm. And I’m failing, friends. I’m failing and I’m angry.

Me, writing: my fingers tingle with impending rage as I hover over the keyboard. I’m looking for a word. Like “disappointing” only meaner. Like “frustrating” but 100 times worse. Abhorrent? Heinous? Exasperating? Disgraceful? Language can’t fail me now, not when so much is at stake. Not when there’s still a possibility that some human on earth might buy the Queen Bee.

The Queen Bee is the first vulva-specific vibrator made by Hot Octopuss, a company known for trying to make the word “Guybrator” happen penis toys such as the Pulse. [. . . read the rest]

Dec 102018
Review: Je Joue Bullets (Rabbit + G-Spot)

The Je Joue Bullets are not lookers, not at all. There’s a sense of utilitarianism about these vibrators — the buttons are basic raised bits, each charging port is covered by a silicone flap. Nothing’s shiny or bedazzled. The color is Je Joue’s signature sad purple, the saddest and stalest of the purples. (Although they recently came to their senses and unveiled sky blue versions, so I can finally sleep at night.)

There is very little that is outwardly impressive about these vibrators, but what makes them great cannot be seen by the naked eye. The price, yes, an attractive $59, but it’s more so the price in conjunction with the vibration quality. [. . . read the rest]

Dec 062018
Giveaway: win a bike tube harness!

Have you seen how beautiful the harnesses by Oxyd Creations are? Well if you haven’t, you’re in for a treat because I’M GIVING ONE AWAY! These 100% vegan harnesses are handmade in Canada from recycled bike tubes. They’re sturdy and sexy and lined with soft felt, with sizing options to accommodate any body size. I’m giving away the harness of your choice from Oxyd Creations, with or without bike gears!


Open to everyone, including international peeps! [. . . read the rest]

Dec 042018
When will we stop fearing sex?

[From Crash Pad, one of the best sites on the internet for feminist porn,
censored to protect Tumblr’s delicate sensibilities.]

As I write this, sipping a chestnut praline latte at my local Starbucks, I know I’m living on borrowed time.

Last week, Starbucks caved to pressure from an anti-porn organization and announced that starting in 2019, they will be blocking “pornography and illegal content” on their wifi networks. This, of course, means the salacious and utterly disgraceful sex toy review blog you are currently reading will likely become inaccessible.

Then yesterday, Tumblr hammered the final nail in the coffin of their increasingly-aggressive crusade against adult content, stating that such content will no longer be allowed on the platform. [. . . read the rest]

Nov 212018
Sex toy Black Friday + Cyber Monday sales!

GOBBLE GOBBLE, peeps. I’m here to help you get the best Black Friday and Cyber Monday deals on sex toys! If you’ve been waiting to buy something I raved about, now is probably the time. Discounts like these don’t happen on such a grand scale at any other time of the year. The best part? You can stay in your pajamas!

If you’ve been waiting for a good price on the sex toy of your dreams, now is the time to get it. I watch sales and deals all year long, but this is when retailers tend to pull out all the stops. [. . . read the rest]

Nov 182018
Review: Uberrime dildos (Splendid + Helios Sun God)

When I was but a wee sex toy reviewer, every new sex toy material was a treat. Not yet jaded by years of masturbatory ordeals, my vag was wowed by the smoothness of glass, the heft of stainless steel, the beauty of wood, the silkiness of silicone. Then I experienced luscious dual-density silicone, a true turning point. I quickly crowned it my favorite soft material and proceeded to stuff myself silly with dildos made out of it.

That was 8 years ago, that glorious time of squishy exploration, so now I tend to take such materials for granted. [. . . read the rest]

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