Hi, I’m Piph, and I have a very discerning vagina.

Not something you hear often, is it? But it’s true: for over 15 years, I’ve been testing sex toys and writing about them on the internet. Highly trusted and well-known for my snarky yet authentic sex toy reviews, I’ve been called “the Samantha Bee of our nether regions.” Welcome to Hey Epiphora, where the lube flows like wine, the G-spot isn’t a mystery, and masturbation sessions frequently end with me wondering, “did humans even test this?!”

Not sure where to begin?

Dive into my sex toy reviews or my greatest posts, visit my 900+ sex toy collection, skip straight to my all-time faves, peruse my FAQ, or go shopping.

It's Black (hole) Friday time!

Announcements

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Need more sex toys for your black holes? Behold, my epic guide to the best sex toy deals! If you’ve been waiting to buy the vibrator, dildo, or butt plug of your dreams, now’s your chance. These are the best prices and sweeping discounts you’ll find all year. Fill your cart and also your orifices. I won’t make a big bang joke,... Keep Reading
BanterDirty VideosFeaturesJack-off Journal

Porn gems: playful domination & fireside fucking

Having jacked off to pornographic material for two decades now, I think I’ve earned the title “porn connoisseur.” I’ve been watching the stuff since I was [redacted], and I spend practically every masturbation session ogling naked bodies on a screen. I’m addicted, you might say, if you were a factually incorrect zealot. We all know I have a discerning vagina, but I’m... Keep Reading
FeaturesGreatest HitsMovie Night

Movie Night: The Final Member

Your body is not ready for The Final Member. More than once you will feel a sudden, searing lurch in your loins — and not the twinge of pleasure. I mean an instinctive, visceral reaction, the kind that makes you grimace, seize up, even cry out. Your genitals will experience phantom sensations that, I want to strongly emphasize, won’t be good ones.... Keep Reading
more recent posts

Favorite sex toys EVER

I’ve put hundreds of things on/in/around my genitals, so it means a lot to make it here.

see all my favorites

Greatest hits

I’m sure my writing teachers are very proud.

LELO Pino... a cock ring "exclusively for bankers"

Um, No: Pino

We need to talk about what’s happening with LELO. For about three years, they’ve mostly been releasing convoluted, overpriced, “innovative” pieces of shit topped off with pretentious marketing. It... Keep Reading
Afterglow PulseWave vibrator showing off its useless laser light energy.

Review: Afterglow

I feel bad for celebrities. You’ll never hear me say that again. But they got the Afterglow in their goodie bags at the Oscars, and this is not what... Keep Reading

Review: Intensity

The Intensity, as the fable goes, did not begin as a sex toy. It began as a medical apparatus used to strengthen the pelvic floor... Keep Reading
Spareparts Hardwear Joque harness as modeled by the lovely Penny and Bex.

Review: Joque harness

In many ways, the glory of the Spareparts Hardwear Joque lies in what it is not. It’s not a re-hashing of the usual harness style.... Keep Reading
Hot Octopuss Queen Bee oscillating rechargeable vibrator on a yellow polka dot plate.

Review: Queen Bee

Me, masturbating: uh, don’t mind me, I’m just over here jamming this ugly-ass hairbrush-lookin’ thing against my vulva in a feeble attempt to orgasm. And I’m... Keep Reading
We-Vibe Wish rechargeable clitoral vibrator on a small table, next to a clock and necklace.

Review: Wish

There’s a common piece of sex advice, an old sex educator adage usually aimed at people wanting to please vulvas: “consistency is key, especially when... Keep Reading
browse my greatest hits

Daily dose of snark

When you just need some righteous rage. So, every day?

gimmie more snark

Ancient Post Randomizer™

I can’t be held responsible for what you find here. I’ve been blogging for over 15 years, yo.