Jun 172019
 
Don't you want them? Vixen Johnny and Magic Wand Original, coming at you.
Don’t you want them? Vixen Johnny and Magic Wand Original, coming at you.

I can see through you, and I don’t like what I see.

You email me under the guise of caring. Of wanting your wife to experience something new in the bedroom. You love her, your wife — you make sure to state that outright. You tell me her age, and yours, for some inexplicable reason. She’s gorgeous, and you’ve been married for many years. You’ve tried to convince her to try sex toys before, but there’s just one nagging detail: she’s not interested.

You’re a modern, enlightened man. That’s why you read sex toy blogs, and research squirting techniques, and email bloggers for advice. Sometimes you not-so-slyly brag about your “amazing” sex life, estimating that your wife has an orgasm 97% of the time. She’s content, obviously. It’s just you have ideas for making sex better. There’s this dildo all the bloggers are raving about, and surely your wife must experience it too. Never mind if it makes sense with her body or her desires, never mind if you know what any of those desires even are.

You’ve come to me for reassurance. Because I am a sex toy fiend you assume I’ll be on your side, ready to leap to your defense and proclaim the transformative power of sex toys. You expect me to coddle you, to nod in virtual agreement and eagerly dish out advice on how best to frame the conversation with your wife.

Men. It is not about framing.

I read through your email, my eyes catching on the part where you refer to your partner as “the wife,” wincing when you divulge how hot it would be to use toys on her, frowning as you describe the reasons she is wary. Her objections to sex toys are multiple, layered, painfully unexplored — and judging from your email, you’re not willing to do much work to explore them. You’d rather blast on with your own plan. You’re confident she’s missing out, and you’ve cast yourself as savior.

There is no simple answer for you, sir, because women are not a puzzle to be pried open with just the right tool.

I know what you actually want from me: ammo. You want stats and conversation strategies, and you want my gender, as it holds more weight. You’d like me to ignore the fact that your wife is a complex human being I’ve never met — one with her own fears and needs — to participate in this coercion. Inadvertently or not, you’re prioritizing your satisfaction over hers.

Sex is collaborative, and I think somewhere along the line we forgot that.

There is no simple answer for you, sir, because women are not a puzzle to be pried open with just the right tool. They’re varied, and nuanced, and talking to one woman is not like talking to all of them. Yes, I spout certain truths — vibrators won’t numb you permanently; nobody’s broken for wanting one; they won’t make anyone obsolete — but I’m not your wife. It takes actual effort to undo these misguided beliefs, because spoiler alert: mainstream society totally enforces them! You cannot simply come home one night with a sack of sex toys and a glint in your eye.

In a perfect world — which we do not live in — sex toys wouldn’t detract from intimacy at all. But in situations where communication is poor, they can do just as much harm as good. And I can tell communication is not at the forefront of your mind; you’d prefer a quick answer and validation, so you can buy the damn thing already and expedite the process. This is glaringly obvious in sex toy retail: men don’t like waiting.

There’s, as they say, a lot to unpack in your email. So I keep it brief. I type out a response, disguising my distress with a jolly tone. I recommend talking to your wife directly. I point out that you wouldn’t want to waste money on a sex toy your wife won’t use — maybe that’s how I’ll get to you, the money angle. I carefully express the importance of respecting your wife’s boundaries, but I say it in a veiled way, because I want you to listen. My restraint is truly commendable. I never get a reply.

Maybe next time I should ask for your wife’s email address.

May 182019
 
My big summer project: a blog overhaul

In middle school, while others played wall ball, I taught myself basic HTML. I was one of the kids staying inside during recess, because the internet was calling to me. I built countless websites on Geocities and Angelfire, peppering them with visually-painful neon colors, blinking text, and weirdo fonts. If I was feeling particularly saucy, maybe an embedded MIDI file that belted out a crude “Desperado.”

The cool thing about that time period is that literally nobody was looking at what I was doing on the internet.

I of course parlayed that field experience later in life with this blog, teaching myself more technical skills along the way, like CSS and how to wrangle WordPress. [. . . read the rest]

Apr 012019
 
Review: Vintage vibrators

Masturbating like it’s 1925 with the Polar Cub Electric Vibrator, Oster Massagett, and Vanguard Vibro-Massager

[I published this on April Fool’s Day ’cause it’s fun, but everything here is real. I tell no lies.]

The inventor of the first electrical vibrator, doctor Joseph Mortimer Granville, called his device “Granville’s Hammer” — and if that’s not obviously named by a man I don’t know what is. It was for male pain relief; he expressly didn’t want women to use it. “I have avoided, and shall continue to avoid the treatment of women by percussion,” he wrote in 1883, “simply because I do not wish to be hoodwinked, and help to mislead others, by the vagaries of the hysterical state.”

Joke’s on you, Joseph. [. . . read the rest]

Mar 242019
 
Review: Jellyfish 2.0 + MagmaTantus Magma, Tantus Splash, Whipspider Rubberworks Jellyfish, Uberrime Jellyfish 2.0.

Being a veteran sex toy blogger is a pretty sweet deal sometimes. I get to live to see most of my enemies disappear into the ether; I’m around as technologically-advanced sex toys become commonplace; and I’m still here when long-discontinued favorites are reborn. It’s the ciiiiiircle of liiiiiiife.

Today, what’s old is new again. Two textured dildos that have been out of production for years, the Whipspider Rubberworks Jellyfish and Tantus Splash, have risen from the dead — and my vagina is throwing a freaking all-night rager. [. . . read the rest]

Mar 192019
 
Giveaway: get goth with an all black vibrator!

The last vestiges of winter are stubbornly hanging on, but I know just how to melt your frozen hearts: a sex toy giveaway! My top vibrator of last year, the Fun Factory Volta, now comes in ALL BLACK and obviously, it is cause for celebration. I know many of you love a good spooky aesthetic, as do I, so when Fun Factory offered up a free black Volta for my readers, it was a no-brainer.

With its versatile fluttering tips, the Volta can please a variety of genital configurations, and the shiny black handle is just so sleek. Come, enter to win your own! [. . . read the rest]

Mar 102019
 
What, you don't want a dildo with your boyfriend's face on it?

Why wouldn’t you want this smug bastard smiling at you while you masturbate? He looks like the kind of guy who works in sales. Or no, tech. But he’s a team-building captain or some bullshit, so he thinks he’s above everyone else — they’re all nerdy losers. Used to wear baseball hats religiously, but ditched them in his thirties in favor of hair gel. Wears his suit jacket from work to the party, where he gets riled up about separating the art from the artist and gesticulates so hard he nearly spills his craft beer. His laugh is the kind that pierces the air suddenly, startling everyone in the room. [. . . read the rest]

Feb 262019
 
Review: Rumble Seat

The Jimmyjane Rumble Seat in front of my sex toy closet.

When you arrive at the sex party and present the guests with your vibrating sex chair, you don’t exactly want the response to be “that looks like a toilet.” But that’s where I was. I was the guy bringing the sex machine to the party, and my sex machine immediately turned everyone off. One guest stated bluntly, “that’s not attractive enough to fuck, not at all.” “It looks like something a toddler would sit on,” another added. Nobody disputed it.

Clearly, we were all super aroused.

The subject in question was the Jimmyjane Rumble Seat, and it was getting quite the icy reception for a contraption that retails for FOUR HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS. [. . . read the rest]

Feb 112019
 
Sex toy news: inclusive marketing and a vibrator with a butt

One of my favorite dildos — which was tragically discontinued years ago — has risen from the dead! Once known as the Tantus Splash, it’s now called the Magma and comes in a softer silicone. Hopefully I can still feel those stimulating drips!

Our old friend the Hitachi Magic Wand is getting another iteration, and my vulva is flushing with excitement! It’s called the Magic Wand Plus, a corded vibe with a smooth silicone head and the same settings as the Magic Wand Rechargeable, finally at a lower price point. YES YES YES.

Dame, the company responsible for the nightmare that was/is the Eva, has released the kind of toy I suggested people buy instead of the Eva: a simple, compact rechargeable vibe. [. . . read the rest]

Jan 222019
 
The Coming Out Interviews, pt. 2: Mom, I'm a sex blogger

The memory’s a bit of a blur now, but almost 7 years ago, I was standing in the bathroom at my parents’ house, mentally preparing myself to tell them I had a sex blog. I knew everything would be okay in the end, and it was — but I could’ve never anticipated just how genuinely my parents, and my mom in particular, would come to encourage and champion this unorthodox career.

Coming out as a sex blogger was my second coming out. My first took place at age 14, when I wrote a letter to my parents confessing that I liked girls. [. . . read the rest]

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