Apr 012016
 

[This post is an April Fool’s Day joke. However, because I am
very dedicated to my jokes, I actually did do all these things.]

Tiny dildos from Tantus, Bad Dragon and Fun Factory

Perhaps “tiny” is condescending. “Diminutive”? “Miniature”? “Wee”? I don’t want to be flippant or rude, but it’s an objective fact that these dildos are roughly 1/60th the size of their, shall I say, phallotypical counterparts. This is not going to be girth mania. Lowing your expectations for pleasure might be a good idea. Rewiring your brain, wiping all data about previously-experienced insertables: encouraged.

Over the years I’ve amassed quite the collection of tiny silicone dildos from TantusBad DragonFun Factory, and Vamp. They accumulate in my purse, come home in my suitcase from conferences, and materialize in crevasses of my life. One time I found one, inexplicably, in my shoe. Yet as abundant as they are, there’s one crevasse they’ve never fallen into: my vagina.

It was time.

My “tinies” from Tantus come in two shapes, modeled after their classic Goliath and newer Uncut #1. They’re cast in Tantus’ standard semi-firm silicone in a variety of flashy colors. Some of my Goliaths have TANTUSSILICONE.COM hand-etched creepily into the side, a poor tactic since 1) it looks like a serial killer trying to send a message via microscopic dildo, and 2) Tantus doesn’t seem to even own that URL anymore.

But at least it’s not MYSPACE.COM/TANTUS.

Bad Dragon’s Teenie Weenies are the softest and most detailed. I have a tiny Fenrir the WolfdragonNova the BreederMoko the Liger, and a Crackers the Cockatrice in a really cool bluish grey with gold sparkles.

I also own a mini Patchy Paul from Fun Factory, the tallest of the tiny dildos at 2.75″. Purple and worm-like, it seems to be hiding a dark secret in its devious smile. WHAT DOES IT KNOW? What has it seen?

The tiny dildos from Vamp, called “weenies,” are more simplistic in their design. They’re flat on the back, almost as if they were designed for display rather than insertion, and shaped like exaggerated cartoonish versions of penises. Unlike the others, they are not modeled after any of the typically-sized dildos the company makes — which is a bit of a marketing fail if you ask me. Tiny dildos should cause a yearning for their larger doppelgangers, but these do not. Nor do they cause a yearning for flesh-and-blood dicks. (Although, to be fair, not much makes me crave those.)

The weenies come in varying densities of silicone, in fanciful color schemes ranging from solid to marbled. My personal favorites are the translucent yellow one that looks like streams of pee perfectly preserved in a penis shape, and the white one drizzled with what appears to be the ejaculate of Lisa Frank.

Apparently I like my tiny dildos to resemble congealed bodily fluids. The more you know.

I put them in my vagina. Or tried to.

Well, the Bad Dragon dildos made me question where my vagina even was. I found myself squishing their floppy shafts against my vulva half the time, struggling to achieve penetration. Inserted, they wouldn’t stay put — even the ones with knots — and felt basically like jamming silly putty up my vagina. I couldn’t even go to scratch the back of my head without them dislodging.

I had more success with the Patchy Paul. With it, hallelujah, I could find my vaginal opening! Its hexagonal base was sharp and hard to hold, but the dildo had enough length for thrusting and enough texture to provide interest. I’m using the word “enough” quite loosely here.

Tiny dildos from Vamp, Tantus, Bad Dragon and Fun Factory

I figured the Tantus Uncut #1 would feel like fucking myself with a birthday candle, yet I was still surprised by how much it felt like fucking myself with a birthday candle.

The situation improved with the Tantus Goliath, which was my favorite tiny dildo due to its eccentric texture and sturdy base. (Is anyone surprised that I liked the weirdly textured thing the most?)

I thought the beefy nature of Vamp’s weenies would make them more filling, but nope — all felt frustratingly short. I don’t enjoy balls on my dildos, especially bulbous ones, and these are no exception. They’re large and awkward and I don’t know how to deal with them.

But despite some fleeting moments of pleasure with Patchy Paul and Goliath, I was left unfulfilled. These dildos do not have nearly enough girth or length to satisfy me. After all that testing, my vagina still felt hollow, my G-spot ached from neglect, and lube was absolutely caaaaked on my hands and fingers.

Having used the dildos the traditional way, I decided all bets were off.

So I got more creative…

First I grabbed a rubber band from the kitchen and used it to bundle several mini Tantus Goliaths together. Surely this would feel substantial! Yeah… it felt like being fucked by a wee pile of firewood.

Nevermind. I had a better idea: I was going to play vaginal Chubby Bunny. It only seemed logical. Now, my vagina can’t talk yet so there was no repeated mumbling of any phrases, but at least I could break a nonexistent record for “Most Tiny Dildos Inserted Vaginally At Once.”

I put the Bad Dragon dildos in first, figuring their squish would be most gentle against my cervix, then I inserted the Tantus tinies, one by one, storing them past my pubic bone like a chipmunk collecting nuts in its cheeks. I verbally tallied them as I went so I could count them on their way out. A wise decision.

It started feeling weird around 10; the dildos were no longer resting nicely in my pouch and were now accumulating in my vaginal canal. I almost gave up around 17, but of course, it was too close to 20, so I forced my way to 20.

Someone get Guinness World Records on the horn.

If you’re daring enough, this could be a fantastic way to impress a Tinder date. Load yourself up before the outing, then when they start fingering you, play dumb like, “oh my, how did those get in there?” or “I was wondering where those went!” Or better, scream in horror, “you’re breaking me!!!” I can almost guarantee a second date.

Taking the dildos out, I felt like I was performing some sort of creepy extraction surgery on myself. The lone holdout was the Bad Dragon Cockatrice, buried so deeply in my vaginal folds that I couldn’t even feel it with my finger. Cue a mild, irrational panic the likes of which I haven’t felt since the great vagina clogging of 2009.

Luckily, I had just the tool to lasso it out: the Magic Banana. That thing is so stupid, yet so useful for removing errant things from my vag. I shall never get rid of it.

I guess they’re decent as dashboard ornaments

Tiny dildos don't make good reusable ice cubesStill disgruntled about the lack of pleasure provided by the tiny dildos, I began seeking alternative non-sexual uses for them. I thought perhaps they could serve as festive reusable ice cubes, but in side-by-side tests, traditional reusable ice cubes made my water significantly colder. Also, my girlfriend laughed at me, so I give that usage a D-.

You could decorate your house with them, but I can tell you from personal experience that setting these on shelves for any period of time leaves them mighty dusty. You’ll need to hire a maid well-versed in tiny dildo cleaning procedures, or a butler to rinse them off for you before using them in your orifices again.

They’re not heavy enough to be paperweights and not large enough to be doorstops. But they fit pretty well in nostrils, if you can find a good reason to do that. Maybe murder?

Others have found them helpful for decorating holiday wreaths, as sex-positive body modification, as dashboard ornaments, for testing lube compatibility, for showing scale, as weapons for your action figures, and for intentionally over-using the phrase “oh, that’s my bag of dicks.”

One of my co-workers suggested using a tiny dildo as a fishing lure. I did not test this theory because fuck fishing.

Tiny dildos work well as toe separators during pedicuresI finally struck gold when I realized I could use them as makeshift toe separators during a pedicure. The uber-soft dildos from Bad Dragon were most comfortable for this, staying blissfully secure thanks to their flared bases.

They’d also be perfect cake toppers for a dessert commemorating your first gangbang. Cream pie, maybe? Pineapple upside down cake where the pineapple rings look like buttholes?

Speaking of buttholes, DON’T PUT THESE TOYS IN YOUR BUTT. The flared bases may seem safe, but your butt doesn’t understand scale.

And scale is the issue indeed. These dildos are simply too tiny. While they have a couple practical applications, those applications do not include vaginal stimulation — the one thing they were designed to do. Not even when bundled together, not even when inserted one by one in a feat that may go down in history as one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever done for this blog. They will most likely end up scattered around your house, virtually useless and bringing joy to absolutely nobody.

I’ll tell you what, though: I have a new appreciation for the depths of my vagina.

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