Apr 012016
 

[This post is an April Fool’s Day joke. However, because I am
very dedicated to my jokes, I actually did do all these things.]

Tiny dildos from Tantus, Bad Dragon and Fun Factory

Perhaps “tiny” is condescending. “Diminutive”? “Miniature”? “Wee”? I don’t want to be flippant or rude, but it’s an objective fact that these dildos are roughly 1/60th the size of their, shall I say, phallotypical counterparts. This is not going to be girth mania. Lowing your expectations for pleasure might be a good idea. Rewiring your brain, wiping all data about previously-experienced insertables: encouraged.

Over the years I’ve amassed quite the collection of tiny silicone dildos from TantusBad DragonFun Factory, and Vamp. They accumulate in my purse, come home in my suitcase from conferences, and materialize in crevasses of my life. One time I found one, inexplicably, in my shoe. Yet as abundant as they are, there’s one crevasse they’ve never fallen into: my vagina.

It was time.

My “tinies” from Tantus come in two shapes, modeled after their classic Goliath and newer Uncut #1. They’re cast in Tantus’ standard semi-firm silicone in a variety of flashy colors. Some of my Goliaths have TANTUSSILICONE.COM hand-etched creepily into the side, a poor tactic since 1) it looks like a serial killer trying to send a message via microscopic dildo, and 2) Tantus doesn’t seem to even own that URL anymore.

But at least it’s not MYSPACE.COM/TANTUS.

Bad Dragon’s Teenie Weenies are the softest and most detailed. I have a tiny Fenrir the WolfdragonNova the BreederMoko the Liger, and a Crackers the Cockatrice in a really cool bluish grey with gold sparkles.

I also own a mini Patchy Paul from Fun Factory, the tallest of the tiny dildos at 2.75″. Purple and worm-like, it seems to be hiding a dark secret in its devious smile. WHAT DOES IT KNOW? What has it seen?

The tiny dildos from Vamp, called “weenies,” are more simplistic in their design. They’re flat on the back, almost as if they were designed for display rather than insertion, and shaped like exaggerated cartoonish versions of penises. Unlike the others, they are not modeled after any of the typically-sized dildos the company makes — which is a bit of a marketing fail if you ask me. Tiny dildos should cause a yearning for their larger doppelgangers, but these do not. Nor do they cause a yearning for flesh-and-blood dicks. (Although, to be fair, not much makes me crave those.)

The weenies come in varying densities of silicone, in fanciful color schemes ranging from solid to marbled. My personal favorites are the translucent yellow one that looks like streams of pee perfectly preserved in a penis shape, and the white one drizzled with what appears to be the ejaculate of Lisa Frank.

Apparently I like my tiny dildos to resemble congealed bodily fluids. The more you know.

I put them in my vagina. Or tried to.

Well, the Bad Dragon dildos made me question where my vagina even was. I found myself squishing their floppy shafts against my vulva half the time, struggling to achieve penetration. Inserted, they wouldn’t stay put — even the ones with knots — and felt basically like jamming silly putty up my vagina. I couldn’t even go to scratch the back of my head without them dislodging.

I had more success with the Patchy Paul. With it, hallelujah, I could find my vaginal opening! Its hexagonal base was sharp and hard to hold, but the dildo had enough length for thrusting and enough texture to provide interest. I’m using the word “enough” quite loosely here.

Tiny dildos from Vamp, Tantus, Bad Dragon and Fun Factory

I figured the Tantus Uncut #1 would feel like fucking myself with a birthday candle, yet I was still surprised by how much it felt like fucking myself with a birthday candle.

The situation improved with the Tantus Goliath, which was my favorite tiny dildo due to its eccentric texture and sturdy base. (Is anyone surprised that I liked the weirdly textured thing the most?)

I thought the beefy nature of Vamp’s weenies would make them more filling, but nope — all felt frustratingly short. I don’t enjoy balls on my dildos, especially bulbous ones, and these are no exception. They’re large and awkward and I don’t know how to deal with them.

But despite some fleeting moments of pleasure with Patchy Paul and Goliath, I was left unfulfilled. These dildos do not have nearly enough girth or length to satisfy me. After all that testing, my vagina still felt hollow, my G-spot ached from neglect, and lube was absolutely caaaaked on my hands and fingers.

Having used the dildos the traditional way, I decided all bets were off.

So I got more creative…

First I grabbed a rubber band from the kitchen and used it to bundle several mini Tantus Goliaths together. Surely this would feel substantial! Yeah… it felt like being fucked by a wee pile of firewood.

Nevermind. I had a better idea: I was going to play vaginal Chubby Bunny. It only seemed logical. Now, my vagina can’t talk yet so there was no repeated mumbling of any phrases, but at least I could break a nonexistent record for “Most Tiny Dildos Inserted Vaginally At Once.”

I put the Bad Dragon dildos in first, figuring their squish would be most gentle against my cervix, then I inserted the Tantus tinies, one by one, storing them past my pubic bone like a chipmunk collecting nuts in its cheeks. I verbally tallied them as I went so I could count them on their way out. A wise decision.

It started feeling weird around 10; the dildos were no longer resting nicely in my pouch and were now accumulating in my vaginal canal. I almost gave up around 17, but of course, it was too close to 20, so I forced my way to 20.

Someone get Guinness World Records on the horn.

If you’re daring enough, this could be a fantastic way to impress a Tinder date. Load yourself up before the outing, then when they start fingering you, play dumb like, “oh my, how did those get in there?” or “I was wondering where those went!” Or better, scream in horror, “you’re breaking me!!!” I can almost guarantee a second date.

Taking the dildos out, I felt like I was performing some sort of creepy extraction surgery on myself. The lone holdout was the Bad Dragon Cockatrice, buried so deeply in my vaginal folds that I couldn’t even feel it with my finger. Cue a mild, irrational panic the likes of which I haven’t felt since the great vagina clogging of 2009.

Luckily, I had just the tool to lasso it out: the Magic Banana. That thing is so stupid, yet so useful for removing errant things from my vag. I shall never get rid of it.

I guess they’re decent as dashboard ornaments

Tiny dildos don't make good reusable ice cubesStill disgruntled about the lack of pleasure provided by the tiny dildos, I began seeking alternative non-sexual uses for them. I thought perhaps they could serve as festive reusable ice cubes, but in side-by-side tests, traditional reusable ice cubes made my water significantly colder. Also, my girlfriend laughed at me, so I give that usage a D-.

You could decorate your house with them, but I can tell you from personal experience that setting these on shelves for any period of time leaves them mighty dusty. You’ll need to hire a maid well-versed in tiny dildo cleaning procedures, or a butler to rinse them off for you before using them in your orifices again.

They’re not heavy enough to be paperweights and not large enough to be doorstops. But they fit pretty well in nostrils, if you can find a good reason to do that. Maybe murder?

Others have found them helpful for decorating holiday wreaths, as sex-positive body modification, as dashboard ornaments, for testing lube compatibility, for showing scale, as weapons for your action figures, and for intentionally over-using the phrase “oh, that’s my bag of dicks.”

One of my co-workers suggested using a tiny dildo as a fishing lure. I did not test this theory because fuck fishing.

Tiny dildos work well as toe separators during pedicuresI finally struck gold when I realized I could use them as makeshift toe separators during a pedicure. The uber-soft dildos from Bad Dragon were most comfortable for this, staying blissfully secure thanks to their flared bases.

They’d also be perfect cake toppers for a dessert commemorating your first gangbang. Cream pie, maybe? Pineapple upside down cake where the pineapple rings look like buttholes?

Speaking of buttholes, DON’T PUT THESE TOYS IN YOUR BUTT. The flared bases may seem safe, but your butt doesn’t understand scale.

And scale is the issue indeed. These dildos are simply too tiny. While they have a couple practical applications, those applications do not include vaginal stimulation — the one thing they were designed to do. Not even when bundled together, not even when inserted one by one in a feat that may go down in history as one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever done for this blog. They will most likely end up scattered around your house, virtually useless and bringing joy to absolutely nobody.

I’ll tell you what, though: I have a new appreciation for the depths of my vagina.

  • Dandemort

    I can’t stop fucking laughing!

    This is amazing and I want all of those little dildettes to sprinkle on party tables like confetti.

  • Dandemort

    PS: why is everything Patchy Paul so goddamn cute?

  • DILDETTES!

  • AceDenise

    Dildettes! I need some of these, like, now! I have always been strangely obsessed with cute miniature things. Wouldn’t it be awesome to have a mini Njoy Pure Wand or Plug? I think stainless steel toys would lend themselves nicely to jewelry or key chains. Imagine having a tiny Eleven hanging off your car keys, or you could have a pair of mini Plugs as dangly earrings. I didn’t know of anyone else actually selling tiny dildos to the public other than Bad Dragon- thanks for the links Epiphora!

  • ShriektheMighty

    This is amazing. I wish my ears were still small enough to put some of my BD teenies in.

    I keep my multiple teenie weenies on a footstool shaped like an elephant, in a bowl my grandmother gave me, made out of a melted Peter, Paul, and Mary record. This has resulted in more than one surprised houseguest saying, “…is that a bowl of dicks???”

  • *slow claps* Well played Epiphora, well played.

  • I just received some from Tails and Portholes. My collection isn’t as vast as yours, I need more variety.

    I plan to get enough to hang them from a mini tabletop Xmas tree.

  • Also I may have laughed inappropriately loud while at work and couldn’t tell anyone why. You are gold.

  • I found a picture on an image board once of a man who had fully inserted one of the Bad Dragon miniatures into his urethra. All things considered it’s not the worst thing he could have used.

  • Shanti

    I read this post on my phone while waiting for the train and was literally snort-laughing to myself. A+, would weird out my fellow commuters again.

    Also I started singing “Hold me closer, tiny dildo…” to myself, so. You’re welcome.

  • ShriektheMighty

    I… I want to see this. Should I be ashamed that I want to see this???

  • A wee little Pure Wand would be SO COOL

  • Ha, yes! That is fantastic. If you do that you absolutely must come back here and post photos!

  • Nah, I briefly watched someone do it in preparation for this post. Because that’s what you find when you Google the Bad Dragon ones.

  • ShriektheMighty

    People putting things in their dicks is a Thing for me. If it were a Bad Dragon teenie weenie, that would be even better. Lol.

  • lolareds

    Your best 1st of April treat yet

  • Reaaally? Better than last year’s?

  • “It felt like being fucked by a wee pile of firewood”–So many good lines! lol. Also please tell me you’re putting the toe separating photo on Tumblr because it’s amazing. 🙂

  • Sara Testarossa

    I’m not sure about that, but I did really enjoy it! Some really great lines here, too. Such cute mini dildos, I’m glad they got this screen time 🙂

    The fact that you theoretically could have done all the things you described makes it even more amusing. Hooray for silicone!

  • Ha! I did do all the things described here! I didn’t even realize people would assume I hadn’t. I’m way too dedicated to my April Fool’s Day jokes not to do the actual work.

  • Sara Testarossa

    Yes! I’m glad to read you did. That’s even funnier. I was thinking about your reviews of jelly toys the first 2 years (?). I know you’re dedicated 🙂 also the “cram as many as possible in” reminded me of a very bizarre thing I witnessed years ago. At a party, someone put a few dozen thin glow sticks in her vagina, went down a slide into a pool, and the glow sticks flew out of her, going all over the pool. It was disturbing (safety concerns on multiple levels) yet hilarious. I don’t remember the motivation. Anyway, I feel like cramming as many silicone mini dildos into oneself as possible for the sake of a review/joke is pretty awesome. I wonder if any of your fellow bloggers who have the a collection of minis might try to beat your record XD

  • sophie2229

    Sounds like a singing group
    – sophie2229

  • sophie2229

    My favorite line: I figured the Tantus Uncut #1 would feel like fucking myself with a birthday candle, yet I was still surprised by how much it felt like fucking myself with a birthday candle.

    Somehow I did not predict this angle. Well done.

  • lolareds

    It all comes down to taste but I’m sticking to my opinion. Which is to say that, while it took me a short while both times to make the connection to the date, I found it far more amusing this time around. Last year I assumed you used a visual metaphor for how shitty it was, now it was a case of pure fascination for your dedication to the job.

  • Tequila Rose

    One of the best reviews I’ve ever read. Now I need tiny dildos to see how many I need to fill up my vagina.

  • the poetic femme

    I adore your spirit of adventure! (For science!)

    You could poke holes in their bases and create a dildo-themed charm bracelet? Or key chains. Or zipper pulls. Or dangle earrings. The opportunities are endless!

  • AceDenise

    Why do these not exist yet? I want a dildo charm bracelet!

  • AceDenise

    I think you could use them as colorful cake toppers. Just make sure you don’t eat any of them!

  • AceDenise

    Odd random thought I had while reading this: I saw a documentary or something many years ago (can’t remember exactly) about Guinness World Records that said they actually stopped accepting entries from people trying to break the “people in a phone booth” record because they were getting so many people trying. Apparently it was a safety issue. So yeah, that’s how my strange mind works. I always love your April Fools posts! I am in awe of your dedication to fill your vagina to capacity with tiny dicks, all for our entertainment 🙂

  • Marcus

    those tiny dildos are made from extra silicone. Never were they ever meant to go in any orifice like that.

  • Stop shaming people who like tiny dildos!

  • You’re new here, aren’t you…

  • daPistol

    Tantus Tinies have arrived!

  • Jeff Morris

    You have an incredible way with words. 🙂

  • Avery (formerly an Amanda)

    “I was going to play vaginal Chubby Bunny.” DEAD.

  • FieryRed

    Hey, silicone is silicone. And what do you mean, “never in any orifice”? They’re clearly perfectly sized for nostril and ear sex.

  • FieryRed

    Didn’t know she was making minis! I’ll have to see about obtaining some. Thanks for the tip!

    Ahhh, a mini dildo mini Xmas tree is the best idea.

  • Tzipora

    “drizzled with the ejaculate of Lisa Frank” may just be the single greatest line ever spoken.

    And g-d bless you Piph, for being so funny I can read your posts more than once and still crack up.

  • Tzipora

    Oh sweet Jesus, this is the most incredible thing I have ever seen. Also, that is by far the sexiest looking doll I’ve ever laid eyes on and I feel somewhat discomfoted by admitting this. I think it’s the seductive look and dildo in hand doing it for me. *Awkward*

  • daPistol

    Thank you for the compliment. *blush*

    lol I totally get it. I’ve seen a few doll pics that had me checking for anything that indicated they were really dolls. Some of the new bodies are joint-free and have genitalia, so they make it really difficult!

  • Sara Testarossa

    So, I now own a pale green Patchy Paul, because my boss gave us swag he brought back from a trade show.

    My partner just put it up my nose.

    Before I read this aloud to him.

    Great minds think alike? Though he wasn’t trying to kill me.

  • Paradoxical Intention

    Aw, I’m kinda sad that Tantus doesn’t sell the tinies anymore. I was hoping to get some to use as props for my dolls. XD

  • I knowwww. I’m trying to wheedle them into selling them again…

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