Feb 122017
 

IS IT NOT GLORIOUS, THIS SEX TOY CLOSET

This is the stuff dreams are made of — my dreams at least. This, friends, is my majestic sex toy closet. The culmination of years of collecting, organizing, and fantasizing. It is here where I store my gigantic sex toy collection, which is rapidly nearing 600.

How did I get here? Well, shockingly, one does not amass enough sex toys to fill a walk-in closet overnight. In fact, nine years ago, my sex toy collection lived in a single cardboard box under my desk. As I began reviewing more, the toys graduated to a purple zippered storage case, and later to a herd of similar cases. This was an adequate but ineffective long-term system, so when I needed more space, I changed my tactic completely: I switched to plastic drawers. Several of them. I loved the organization they afforded me, but my “office,” which was literally just a corner of my apartment’s living room at the time, was becoming cramped.

A video posted by Epiphora (@heyepiphora) on

When I bought my house, I was most excited to finally have a real office, a place to stow my sex toys without subjecting every visitor to their presence. There was no question which room would be my office: the one with the larger, walk-in closet. Clothing could go wherever, elsewhere. This closet was a toy shrine waiting to happen. My mom insisted we paint the closet chartreuse, to match the rest of the room. The joy I felt on moving day, when I planted my drawers in the closet and stepped back and saw how much space was still left… it was exquisite.

Several months later, my dad came over and helped me add shelves to the closet. We arranged them meticulously to accommodate the drawers I already had. The lights — a mix of thrift store string lights and theater-like strips from IKEA — were the finishing touch that brought everything together. They not only cast helpful light on drawer contents, they’re also romantic as fuck. My first thought: I want someone to come make out with me in my closet. (#goals.)

You’re entranced, I know, by my over-the-door shoe organizer. This is where I keep toys I’m currently reviewing or have obtained recently. I chose that particular organizer because the pockets were mesh instead of sticky plastic. Each slot actually has two pockets — useful for separating toys from their manuals and chargers. On the doorknobs I hang nipple clamps, ’cause why not, and tote bags from Smitten Kitten (“This Bag is Full of Sex Toys”), Early to Bed, and New York Toy Collective.

A herd of plastic storage drawers. Perfect depth for sex toys.

The over-the-door organizer is great, but the true crux of my sex toy storage remains my beloved Iris 6-drawer cart. Inexpensive and perfectly-sized, each drawer is deep enough to hold 1-2 layers of toys, so nothing gets terribly buried. I separate toys by type, material, and sometimes company, but I also group less satisfactory toys together (“meh dildos”) and have designated drawers for toys that haven’t seen enough action (“vibes to try”).

The cart with the three deeper drawers has a unique origin story. One July evening in 2013, I was walking back to my apartment and spied a plastic storage cart on the sidewalk with a FREE sign on it. As a descendant of my thrifty1 grandpa, I could not resist. I hauled the cart back to my apartment, hoisted it into my shower, and started washing it out… where I was spooked half to death several times by spiders crawling out of its depths.

Dildo drawers in my sex toy closet.

It was all worth it, though, because those drawers are deep enough to allow me to store many of my Vixen dildos upright,2 and to easily stash my obscene number of Tantus toys. As you see here, my drawers conveniently demonstrate the fact that 100% silicone toys do not melt when stored together. That is a myth, no matter what you read on Tumblr.

Tucked just inside the closet, in the corner, is the behemoth that is the Sybian, collecting dust until a new friend wishes to experience it and be disappointed. On top of the carts on the floor there’s a box full of manuals, my “come rag” towel, and two Liberator Throes.

Top shelves in my sex toy closet.

On the very tip-top shelf, I keep miscellaneous sex toy packaging (always telling myself I’ll find a use for it, yet never finding a use for it), paperwork and fan mail, books and magazines, my heavy-duty Tunti Toybox, and of course, my original For Your Nymphomation cases, which have seen better days at this point but serve as out-of-sight-out-of-mind repositories for crappy toys (“exiled vibes”) and unneeded chargers.

Chargers I actually use, dutifully tagged with masking tape and secured with twisty ties, live in the stack of drawers on the right (not pictured). This unit also contains extra storage bags (which I generally don’t use), my business cards, lube samples, and other swag — such ridiculous branded items as Fun Factory purse hooks and Christmas ornaments, glow-in-the-dark LELO slap bracelets, AVN condoms, and tiny tubes of bubbles from Bubble Love. ~Marketing~.

Along with the sex toy reviewer’s requisite baby wipes and sturdy paper towels, there’s my swap box — toys I want to get rid of. I also have my friend’s old Pleasure Purse, perfect for sex dates as it holds a massive amount of toys, and my safer sex kit in this excellent “evidence” pouch.

Main shelf of my sex toy closet, complete with knitted vulva.

My favorite spot in the closet is the main shelf. I have all kinds of cute objects here: a NYTC patch, bouquet from Aerie, books I’m in, extra lube on top of a Fun Factory Toybox, coaster from Penny, knitted vulvatiny strap-on, Early to Bed vinyl bag. I display a few weird sex toys, such as the Pretty Kitty, cupcake butt plug, and the worst dildo I’ve ever used. I also have a pile of tiny dildos and other mini sex toy doodads, and a few dildos in their original tubes.3

The rest of my office is still a work in a progress, but this closet has finally become what I always envisioned: my own little sex toy museum.

You may be wondering, hey, isn’t it inconvenient to have all your sex toys in a room that isn’t your bedroom? Sometimes, yeah. It’s not fun hustling half-naked from my bedroom to my office to acquire the necessary toys mid-sex. But most of my sex toy use is done in my office anyway, sitting at my desk watching porn and jacking off. I still keep my very favorite toys in my desk, in the compartment where the computer brain is supposed to go, so they’re close at hand.

Welcome. Please step inside my sex toy closet.

Theoretically, I can close the closet door and quickly sanitize the room if, say, a dude has to come install new internet in my office. This only works if all my toys are put away, though, with none on my desk itself, none charging on my charging station, and none left dirty or clean in the dish rack. It’s unlikely, but it’s possible.

Most of the time, though, I don’t want to hide anything away. Now that my sex toys are not strewn about my living room, now that they’re contained, I want to show them off. It seems like whenever we hold a party at my house, a small group of attendees will ask if we can steal away to my office and ogle my collection. It’s an unusual use for a closet, and my job is an unusual one, but after a few minutes of explanation, most people can see it for what it is: something I love, something I’m proud of, and something I want to share with the world.

  1. That’s putting it nicely considering he used to swipe towels and boxes of Kleenex from my great-grandma’s nursing home… []
  2. This is recommended to prevent the bases from warping over time, which has happened to my poor Outlaw. []
  3. Leo, Mustang, and Maverick. []
  • Mad Maudlin

    I think Ikea is carrying some pretty sweet display cases right now if that’s something that’s still on your radar. I dream of one day haing a sex toy display case 😀

  • J.

    Wow, that’s a sex toy shrine you have there. Goals af. I was proud of my little sex toy drawer with kitchen drawer organizers but that closet is beautiful. The lights and the little display section are my favorite. <3

  • This is the greatest thing I’ve ever seen.

  • Sara Testarossa

    This is a beautiful way to organize your collection! And I love the Boris video. So cute.

    I seriously need to organize my toys better. The kink toys are well organized but that’s my boyfriend’s doing. My sex toys are spread across three places (and I only have 15). The post motivates me to reorganize, especially since I have two more tantus pieces coming in the mail soon 😀 so, thanks!

  • Your sex toy closet is epic & even more so in person!

    I totally should’ve gone with an over the door shoe organizer with mesh pockets, mine are plastic & not my fave. You always think of everything! lol

  • Jillian Boyd

    I am in awe.

  • Sara Testarossa

    Update: Thank you for this, just wanted you to know the motivation it gave me was enough to get me to actually organize. I just learned I can fit almost everything (barring a wand and harness, and not counting the kink stuff) neatly and logically into a 16″x11″x8″ wooden chest with six drawers. Seems miniscule compared to yours but I’m proud I did it, because I’m lazy like woah.

    And I’m glad you’re proud. You’ve worked so hard to get where you are 🙂

  • FieryRed

    Beautiful job and great organization ideas. Partner and I are moving from our small condo into a house this summer, and this will come in very handy as inspiration. Also, thank you for linking to those Blue Q pouches! So many cute/pretty ones, and so affordable! May have to get a number of them…

  • The Palimpsex

    I would seriously pay admission like a museum to be able to visit this closet.

  • FieryRed

    Same.

  • What lies within the exiled vibes container?

  • I am Jenn

    And I was SO proud of the 18 gallon bright pink (My favorite color, so sue me) Rubbermaid Tote I FINALLY organized into a “Tickle Trunk” last weekend. Now I feel inadequate. 😉

  • I’m so jealous of this huge collection.

  • That is my next big project for sure! Right now I’m taking a break and appreciating the closet.

  • Nah! You have 18 gallons of sex toys!

  • I’d love to see a picture of your drawer; that sounds cool!

  • NICE! It’s so satisfying to put everything in one place.

  • Good eye! So far that contains the iGino, Afterglow, Eva, Hello Touch X, Celebrator, and a few old broken We-Vibe Toys.

  • Steve

    Is it super weird that I’m a straight male and I’m super jealous of your butt plug/dildo selection? Lol

  • Sara Testarossa

    Indeed 🙂 And I have a think my latest Tantus purchases will just barely fit before I expand to a second chest 🙂 Need to not buy more for a bit to save money, but it’s a challenge given all the cool new things that come into the sex shop and a sweet employee discount!

  • AceDenise

    Amazing! I am trying to get more organized myself… so many great ideas here. Hm, I live alone so I actually do have an extra closet- I have some plastic drawers but they are more like deep bins that pull out of a caddy, so they are too big to easily find things inside. I will have to try those Iris carts. You have inspired me to plan my own toy closet, thank you! Now I just have to put the toys away instead of leaving them in the sink, on my desk, in the strainer, etc.

  • AceDenise

    OMG, is that an orange Tantus Raptor in one of those lower drawers?! I want the regular size one (can’t take the XL). I don’t care about the balls, or the harness compatibility… I only want it because of the head. And it’s orange. Mostly because it’s orange. Do you like yours?

  • AceDenise

    You’re doing way better than I am.

  • Yup! The head is good, you’re right, but them big balls! I don’t use it mostly because of them.

  • AceDenise

    Nope. No, that is not weird at all, it’s a completely natural and unavoidable reaction to such an extravaganza of awesome. I’m jealous and I don’t even use butt toys!

  • mrsbeef

    Piph! What do you keep in your safer sex kit? I want to make one up too :3c

  • Nitrile gloves (size medium), dental dams, condoms (both lubricated and non, latex and non), lube samples, a toothbrush, and a small tube of toothpaste!

  • Pillow Princess

    Given my unstoppable hoarding tendencies, for everything, I’d need like four to five walk-in closets to dedicate a space to every one of my collections, but damn, life goals right there.

  • Pingback: Step inside my sex toy closet » Hey Epiphora | Sexinmycity()

  • AceDenise

    I am trying to decide which size Iris carts to get. Epiphora, are the 6 drawer carts stackable? (Just two of them to make 12 drawers, no more than that.) And would they be able to roll like that if the casters were on the bottom unit? I wouldn’t be overloading them and I would keep the lighter stuff in the top drawers like toy bags and chargers. I keep going back and forth between the different sized Iris carts and I’m not sure if the taller one (10 drawers) will be less durable over time. I really like the idea of having the taller carts and utilizing more of the vertical space but I’m not sure they would be able to hold the extra weight. If you or anyone else can tell me your thoughts on this I would be grateful!

  • AceDenise

    Heh, I need a closet for my sex toys, and another for my anime/tv series collections, and another huge one for all that crap I can’t throw away because “I might use it someday!” And maybe a little library or something for books. Or a whole second house just for all my stuff. Hello from one hoarder to another!

  • Hmm! According to the customer Q&A on Amazon, they are not stackable. So if you want to utilize vertical space you’d want to get the 7- or 10-drawer one. I don’t imagine weight would be too much of an issue, especially if you put heavier stuff on bottom, but it might make the cart a bit difficult to move around. I don’t think it would be a big deal if you’re not loading every drawer up with stainless steel dildos.

  • AceDenise

    Thanks for replying! I decided to get a 6 drawer and a 3 drawer Iris cart, and I love them! They are both the same size, one just has bigger drawers. I did an experiment- apparently you can stack 2 smaller ones if you remove the organizer top, then you can attach the other one on top of it. If you do this it will actually join to the bottom one securely and not just sit loosely on top of it. But you can’t be too rough when taking off the top or the plastic might break. So now I have a tall cart with 3 big drawers on the bottom and 6 small ones up top. I’m keeping the extra organizer top piece and wheels in case I change things later. It rolls just enough to move to another room, or into the closet if needed, which is just what I wanted. I’m planning to get a few more for my entire collection. Thanks for your tips, Epiphora- sex toy closet, here I come!

  • gosh ur closet is so amazing! that is goals!

  • i need good quality, discreet sex toy holders for traveling..any suggestions??

  • taylor_serenil

    For people on a budget: Sterilite makes these (espresso fake-wicker plastic 3-drawer units) that also work pretty well as nightstands. If you have a Mambe/Throe/bulky gear it probably won’t fit and they’re useless for extra linen storage, but you can stick quite a few *toys* in.

    The size can be a feature and not a bug if you want to tuck one into the corner or a closet or something. So far both the one that’s loaded with toys and the one that’s mostly socks and underwear are holding up fine to my “pull drawer out, dig through contents, make selection, put drawer back in” style.

    https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00V87CD1S/ref=s9_dcacsd_dcoop_bw_c_x_3_w

    When I got mine, Amazon had a two-pack deal for about the same price, and if you have a Dollar General/similar you may be able to get this cheaper there.

    Also, I have the Evidence pouch and a peacock one from the same people thanks to learning about them from this post, and they are definitely cute/useful organizational additions.

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