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Review: Zumio

Review: Zumio

When you’re a sex toy reviewer, certain toys can feel like a blessing from above. Mediocre masturbation sessions are par for the course with this job, and even toys that aren’t exceptionally terrible can start to feel insulting and exhausting after a while. If you’re lucky, there’s one toy in your to-review queue that you actually enjoy using. One that is effortlessly satisfying, enough to get you out of your head a little, remind you that sometimes this gig ain’t so bad. There should be a name for toys like this… hmm, “savior toys”? The Zumio is my savior toy of the last few months. Sometimes, it was the reason I kept masturbating when I wanted to stop. I’d psychologically . . . read more

Review: Stronic G

Review: Stronic G

Four years ago, my G-spot was forever changed by a revolutionary sex toy called the Stronic Eins. Not really a dildo and definitely not a vibrator, the Eins features an internal weight that facilitates a back-and-forth thrusting movement. This “pulsator” felt unlike anything I’d ever tried, wiggling against my G-spot so enthusiastically, and quickly became one of my favorite insertables. Fun Factory’s Stronic line proved that innovation is still possible in the sex toy industry — true innovation, not gimmicky and spurious “innovation” with air quotes. So a few weeks ago when an email popped up with the subject line CONFIDENTIAL: Secret Preview of New Stronic?, it set my heart fluttering. I was in the middle of writing a different email, but I immediately . . . read more

Review: Rave

Review: Rave

It was 10:15 am, just a bit before I needed to leave for work, when the We-Vibe Rave arrived in the mail. I was already dressed — pants, shirt, shoes. My hair was wet from a shower. I’d already had one orgasm that morning, in bed with my fingers after a hot dream, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t have my glasses on yet, but there was no time for that. Nor was there time to give the vibrator an initial charge. I took the Rave straight out of its packaging, turned it on, and unbuttoned my pants. I pulled up some porn on my laptop, shoved my underwear to the side, and pressed the vibrator against my clit in a blurry-eyed haze. Yes. . . . read more

Review: Prism V

Review: Prism V

There is no clever way to start a review about a vibrator that just works. I can offer no snarky analogies, no thought-provoking insight, no riotous backstory. I can’t lure you in with tales of boundless pleasure: dramatically arched backs, fistfuls of sheets, kaleidoscopes of color passing before my eyes. But let me tell you about all the easy, simple orgasms I’ve had with the Prism V. Ones where I didn’t have to think, or try, or struggle… where I could just get off. That, there, is the triumph — small and insignificant as it may sound. The L’Amourose Prism V is not the most unique or interesting sex toy, but “unique” and “interesting” sex toys are so fucking overrated. In the scramble . . . read more

Review: Doxy Massager (Die Cast) and The Don

Review: Doxy Massager (Die Cast) and The Don

Doxy Don (left) and Doxy Die Cast with Nuzzle Tip attachment (right). Put it on my clit. Now. That’s what ran through my head the first time I held the Doxy Don, standing in the hallway at a conference with it reverberating in my hands. I’d never seen or heard about the product in my life, but in a split second I wished it upon my genitals. Although I often make snap judgments about toys, they’re usually negative ones based on stomach-turningly buzzy vibrations. This was the opposite: the vibrations were so deliciously rumbly, so promising. I’d never tried a toy from Doxy before, and I knew The Don had to be my first. But I couldn’t rightfully review only The Don, considering Doxy’s reputation as manufacturers of the much-loved Doxy Massager. Somehow, . . . read more

Review: Automatic lube dispenser

Review: Automatic lube dispenser

The simplehuman Sensor Pump squirting lube onto the njoy Pure Wand. Many a time, I stared at it longingly in the aisles of Bed, Bath, & Beyond. Among the as-seen-on-TV contraptions and glistening stainless steel bathroom accessories it beckoned, goading me to use it for nefarious purposes. I’d never spend $40 on an automatic soap dispenser, but in my household, the simplehuman Sensor Pump has a much more life-sustaining function: dispensing lube. Bzzzt. That’s the sound it makes. An adorable mechanical blip, and my god — it’s a glorious thing. The first time I used it, I couldn’t stop myself. Lube was flowing like water, like wine. It was one-handed. It was instantaneous. My left hand was still firmly grasping . . . read more

Review: Siri 2

Review: Siri 2

FINALLY. Fucking finally. I’ve been waiting years for LELO to upgrade their humble little clit vibe, Siri. While they were off dilly-dallying with weird oral sex simulators and pretentious cock rings, I was over here drumming my fingernails on my desk, condescendingly clicking my tongue, wondering if the almost-great Siri would ever get an upgrade. The sex toy landscape was different when I reviewed the original Siri back in 2010. Pickings were slim when it came to rechargeable clitoral vibrators, and I was less jaded. I liked the cute, egg-shaped Siri. It wasn’t terribly strong, but it was rumbly, and it was enough. “Is it the clit vibe to end all clit vibes?” I wrote. “Not quite — it would need to be waterproof . . . read more

Review: Rosa and Rosa Rouge

Review: Rosa and Rosa Rouge

It’s not often that a new sex toy company comes out of the woodwork with a product that immediately garners critical acclaim — but that is exactly what happened with the L’Amourose Rosa. Reports of deep, rumbly vibrations echoed through the blogosphere. My eyes narrowed. My fingers tented. It seemed like maybe, just maybe, a challenger had appeared to rival my all-time fave, the LELO Mona 2. The Rosa comes in two versions: the original ($180) and the Rosa Rouge (a heated version — $240). First notable thing: these toys are really fucking expensive. $180 for a rechargeable insertable toy is unusual enough,1 and tacking on $60 for the heating element is nearing highway robbery. With no track record of manufacturing quality products or properly addressing support requests, these prices are hard to . . . read more

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Rechargeable

IS THAT A CORDLESS HITACHI????? —everyone on earth whenever I post a photo of the Magic Wand Rechargeable Yes. Yes, it is. The time has come, my friends. The legendary Hitachi Magic Wand, widely regarded as the most powerful vibrator of all time, now comes in a rechargeable version. It can finally be there for you during power outages. While camping. On your porch. In your treehouse. On your top bunk. Or simply when you’re too damn lazy to get up and plug something in. (Me, all the time.) The world has been holding its breath, as have I, because there are many ways this new version could have gone terribly wrong. But release that breath. Let it out. Almost everything went right. This . . . read more

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