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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

Jack-off Journal

Where I recount all the ~salacious~ details of my masturbation sessions. Not really. More like whether I can orgasm at the exact moment the timer for the corn dogs goes off.

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BanterDirty VideosFeaturesJack-off Journal

Porn gems: playful domination & fireside fucking

August 21, 2022
Having jacked off to pornographic material for two decades now, I think I’ve earned the title “porn connoisseur.” I’ve been...
Keep Reading
Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?April Fool's!BanterBlogger LyfeFeaturesJack-off JournalSex Toy ReviewsShenanigansTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy ReviewerVibrators

Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

April 1, 2022
Today I’m releasing exclusive tapes from last month’s masturbatory adventures. These are my intimate audio notes from out in the...
Keep Reading
From above shot of a bunch of vibrators lying on paper towels on my desk.
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #22

September 4, 2018
September 19, 2017 Decided to livetweet slathering my genitals with weed-enhanced lubricant spray. I’d done it once before, with my vulva,...
Keep Reading
An assortment of sex toys from the past, including one that looks like a skeleton and another with orange spikes.
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #21

April 24, 2017
June 16, 2016 Gold-star multi-tasking today: I alternate between jacking off and watching just-released Big Brother cast interviews. (I have...
Keep Reading
Bedside table set-up before jacking off at #dildoholiday.
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #20

June 2, 2016
October 24, 2015 My secret shame: I am terrible at remembering to pack lube when I travel. And porn. On...
Keep Reading
Jumble of butt plugs in my sink.
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #19

August 8, 2015
February 11, 2015 META JACK-OFF JOURNAL. After spending all day finishing Jack-off Journal #18, I gave it to Kynan to...
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Sex toy masturbation session note taking, with dirtied toys lying on top.
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #18

February 11, 2015
April 2014 Sit down, friends. I would like to talk to you about incest. I’ve slyly alluded to it before, but this...
Keep Reading
A bunch of dirtied sex toys lying on a paper towel (on which I've scribbled notes).
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #17

March 28, 2014
May 17th, 2013 The boyfriend went to the convenience store for beer, and Survivor was downloading at a snails’ pace, so...
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From above shot of my desk littered with the LELO Smart Wand vibrators and many Vixen dildos.
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #16

May 21, 2013
January 24th, 2013 I was really excited to watch the latest video from Wolf Hudson’s website, as it starred Kimberly...
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Lily LaBeau looking sexy with her skirt pulled up, sitting on a couch.
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #15

December 15, 2012
July 27th, 2012 Creeped myself out watching a Belladonna movie from 9 years ago called StrapOn Chicks: Bella’s Bitches. There...
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Kimberly Kane's face buried between some labia.
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #14

July 12, 2012
January 21st, 2012 After a nap with weird dreams, I got up at 10 p.m. and drank a Rockstar. Like...
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A woman giving the most uninspired handjob to a guy who is getting fucked by another guy.
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #13

January 12, 2012
February 3rd, 2011 Tonight I found one of my favorite male pornstars, Danny Wylde, on cam. When he saw my...
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Dylan Ryan on top of Danny Wylde on a bed.
BanterDirty VideosFeaturesJack-off JournalPornSex Toy Reviews

5 reasons you need to buy the Dylan + Danny scene on the Smitten Kitten

December 19, 2011
I mean, we all know that Dylan Ryan and Danny Wylde are hot. And that Tristan Taormino has an amazing...
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Pretty girls making out in the backseat of a convertible.
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #12

January 24, 2011
October 1st, 2010 WHY WHY WHY WHY: WHY WHY WHY WHY. November 13th, 2010 I took a break from playing...
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Justine Joli and Claire Adams fucking, with rose petals scattered around and on them.
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #11

September 23, 2010
August 5th, 2010 Today I watched Justine Joli: Lost with Saraid, which I had been eagerly anticipating. Very quickly realized it...
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Suds rolling down Charley Chase's ass.
FeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #10

August 13, 2010
July 1st, 2010 I have learned a lesson about lube bottles. Before use, always cautiously test to make sure the...
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Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

We-Vibe Rave rechargeable app-compatible G-spot vibrator on a reflective table.

Review: Rave

Silicone dildos standing upright and proud.

My vagina is a black hole: how I learned to love penetration

Review: Turn Me On Vibrating Panties

Fun Factory Bi Stronic Fusion pulsator on an ornate rug.

Review: Bi Stronic Fusion

The Eroscillator standing proudly on a table, with the Ultra Soft Fingertip attachment (marshmallow) on it.

Review: Eroscillator

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