plastic

I hope you know what plastic is.

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original

Review: (Hitachi) Magic Wand Original

[Wondering how I feel about the rechargeable version of this toy? I LOVE IT.] I finally get the Hitachi. I am now old and my vulva is grizzled, and I have come to a place of understanding with the bumbling, imprecise beast that is the Hitachi Magic Wand. Perhaps that is how it was meant to be. But there should be laws forbidding newbie reviewers from trying it. I received my first one a mere month after launching my blog, and I ended my almost-entirely-useless review with, “I know eventually I will sing your praises just as everyone else has. I just need time.” Swayed, for sure, by the guise of sugarcoating, it was a sentence that, five years later — and . . . read more

Review: Mia 2 and Adore Me Pleasure Set

Review: Mia 2 and Adore Me Pleasure Set

The LELO Mia and I go way back. Almost to the beginning of this blog. A lot of things have changed since then — for instance, I am now a hardcore Google Chrome fan, and the clunky Compaq laptop pictured in my original Mia review has been replaced by a sleek white Sony Vaio ((That’s right, bitches, I’m a PC person. Extol me with the virtues of Macs and I’ll chop your head off.)). With the times, Mia has evolved as well. But “second generation” is a confusing thing to say, since technically Mia is in its third generation. I tried the original back in 2008, then another version in early 2011, when the toy was updated with a new (and quite pleasing) . . . read more

Review: Luna Beads Mini

Review: Luna Beads Mini

This is so disappointing, you guys. And a sex toy reviewer’s nightmare. But I just cannot feel the LELO Luna Beads Mini in my vagina. I really really love the original Luna Beads. They are my favorite vag balls. They make me want to dance, and I don’t dance. I never had an issue with their size. But if the Luna Beads Mini packed the same stimulation in a smaller package, I wanted to know, because some folks do not have cavernous vaginas like me. The Luna Beads Mini are 3″ insertable and each ball is 1.23″ in diameter, versus the original Luna Beads’ 3.5″ insertable and 1.43″ in diameter. With the blue weights in each, the Minis weigh 2.6 ounces while . . . read more

Review: Lyla

Review: Lyla

[Thankfully, the Lyla is now in its second generation: Lyla 2. LELO also makes the rotating Hula Beads.] Soaring hope followed by crushing despair. That’s the LELO Lyla. The first ever rechargeable wireless egg, meant for insertion in the vagina and fun on the town (bars! concerts! wherever sexy people go!). Every single other wireless egg ever created has been a horrible failure. But in the capable hands of a high-end company like LELO — makers of the lovely Siri, Luna Beads, and Ella — I expected, at the very least, for it to work as intended. Not for it to only work when the remote was pointed directly at my vulva like a goddamn TV remote. On the upside, . . . read more

Review: Y-Bullet

Review: Y-Bullet

The Lady Calston Y-Bullet is a HIGH-TECH device. It plugs into your USB PORT. It runs off PURE USB ADRENALINE. Its plastic box reads, Make Your Next MSN Web Cam Chat… A Y-Bullet Sexperience. When I plug the Y-Bullet into my desktop computer, both my monitors go black and fall into a deep sleep, not to be woken again until I turn the computer off and back on. This horrifying phenomenon doesn’t take place on my laptop or my boyfriend’s computer, but the fact that it is a possibility should be enough to deter you. If not, here’s the rest: it has one speed. Two if you’re really touchy with it. It’s powerful enough, I guess, but the speed is incredibly . . . read more

Review: Mia (new version)

Review: Mia (new version)

[Update: LELO has updated the Mia since this review. Read my review of the Mia 2.] LELO is a sex toy company that listens to people. When consumers loved their uniquely-shaped Gigi, they invented a dildo version named Ella (which, by the way, changed my life). With the success of their rechargeable cock ring, Bo, they came out with an updated version called Tor. And now, the adorable USB-rechargeable Mia has been overhauled — and, I must say, greatly improved. I was forgiving to the original Mia. I blamed my clit for not responding enough to Mia’s vibrations. Hey, it was 2008 and I hadn’t quite perfected my snarky attitude (and high standards) yet. The truth was, Mia was just not strong enough. . . . read more

Love letter to the Turbo Glider

Love letter to the Turbo Glider

Dearest Turbo Glider, Hello, my dear. It’s been a while, I know. A few trysts here and there, but things between us are nothing like they used to be. I understand if you feel neglected; I barely get you out from the drawer at all. The truth is, my clit now prefers less buzzy, more unique toys. But don’t cry; you will always be in my heart. I will always remember you fondly as my first true sex toy love. It was February of 2007, and I was in search of something cheap to get me off. I picked you up from the mail room at college and for a solid year afterward, you were my only sex toy. I only . . . read more

Review: Bnaughty Unleashed

Review: Bnaughty Unleashed

It’s okay. You can be wary of the Bswish Bnaughty Unleashed. I was too. And sadly, having tried it now, I still am. I was really hoping for a triumph. So many remote vibrating bullets suck royally. Many of the bullets are loud. They malfunction. They fail miserably at being discreet. Some aren’t waterproof, which becomes a problem when, uh, juices, come near them. Some have a whopping one speed. Many are purple or pink. Most take watch batteries, which are not only expensive and annoying as hell to insert, but also notorious for dying quickly. And then, of course, it’s not unusual for remote bullets to die. Not unusual at all. Which is what happened with my previous remote toy, . . . read more

Review: Fairy Mini Wireless

Review: Fairy Mini Wireless

It’s been a little while since I crowned the Fairy Mini Mini better than the Hitachi in almost every way, but there’s a new Fairy in town — the Fairy Mini Wireless. It’s smallish, rechargeable, and has that same awesome variable speed dial. Too bad it can’t hold a charge to save its life. The Fairy comes with a nice drawstring bag (pink, of course!) and not much else. The two charging cables (USB and AC) come in separate boxes. There is no manual, and very little English on the Japanese-riddled box. I did find these tidbits: Play over 20-30min with charging for 60min; Over charging protection circuit added; It is so compact to conceal in your bag (no, not . . . read more

/* ]]> */