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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

bless my partners

Dating a sex toy reviewer is not as idyllic as it may seem. Bless my partners for their tireless (and often thankless, and sometimes even orgasmless) work of testing sex toys for/with me.

A to Z
  • Latest
  • Oldest
  • Random
  • A to Z
Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective
April Fool's!BanterBlogger LyfeGiveawaysGreatest HitsShenanigans

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

April 1, 2024
Taylor Swift had two albums to her name. Instagram didn’t exist. We had yet to name our roman empires, show...
Keep Reading
Best & Worst Sex Toys of the YearGuides

Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

December 31, 2018
Before we give the middle finger to 2018, please come along with me on a romp through the year in...
Keep Reading
Bouquet of hand drawn sex toys.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterBreak Out the TissuesGreatest HitsShenanigansSunshine & Rainbows

Friends who have sex with each other

July 12, 2014
Kynan greets me at the airport with a bouquet of hand-drawn sex toys. Eleven toys, all of them my favorites,...
Keep Reading
Penis ToysPop ShotsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pile

Pop Shot: Minerva

May 27, 2009
The grapevine says that the Minerva cock ring by California Exotic is a pretty good cock ring. The grapevine is...
Keep Reading
LELO Bo cock ring
Penis ToysSex Toy Reviews

Review: Bo

January 20, 2009
Sheets of rain were coming down outside. It was about 7:30 p.m., completely dark, and I assumed it was too...
Keep Reading
Dame Products Eva "hands-free" "couples" wearable vibrator standing up like a creepy bug.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Dame Eva

December 17, 2016
I’ve never told you much about my labia, but I guess now’s as good a time as any. I’d describe my...
Keep Reading
Positioning etc.Sex Toy Reviews

Review: Décor Wedge

March 29, 2012
It’s hard to describe Liberator shapes to people. The word “shape” doesn’t exactly evoke much, so sometimes you have to resort...
Keep Reading
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Durex Play Vibrations Focus

October 20, 2008
My boyfriend and I are big fans of Durex condoms. When we started having sex, we tried a few different...
Keep Reading
njoy Eleven stainless steel dildo
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Eleven

August 22, 2010
I don’t normally have sexual dreams, but I’ve had dreams about the njoy Eleven. They were always incredible jack-off sessions...
Keep Reading
The shoe method of using a Fleshlight, tucked into the end.
Hi, I love youPenis ToysSex Toy Reviews

Review: Fleshlight

September 27, 2009
My boyfriend is probably the only dude on the planet who, upon hearing the question “do you want a Fleshlight?”,...
Keep Reading
Fleshlight Vibro sleeve out of its case, showing the bullet vibrators nestled into pockets of the sleeve.
Penis ToysSex Toy Reviews

Review: Fleshlight Vibro

June 18, 2013
I can’t get this website out of my head when I think about the Fleshlight Vibro. Granted, who hasn’t taken the...
Keep Reading
Fleshlight Flight with a fake Australian passport, because why not. It wants to travel.
Penis ToysSex Toy Reviews

Review: Flight

January 3, 2013
It is now quite nearly a fact: my boyfriend likes his Fleshlights plain. His first Fleshlight remains his unbeatable favorite because the...
Keep Reading
Jimmyjane Form 5 and Hello Touch X vibrators (plus masking tape labels) next to some fall leaves.
BDSMGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Form 5 + Hello Touch X

October 5, 2015
Why does Jimmyjane still exist? That’s mean. I know. I should delete that. I should write a new first sentence,...
Keep Reading
We-Vibe Gala on a bookshelf.
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Gala

March 20, 2018
My clit is a pretty sensitive creature. You’re going to need to know this going in. Take notes for the...
Keep Reading
LELO Gigi 2 rechargeable G-spot vibrator on a newspaper.
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Gigi 2

February 17, 2014
The Gigi used to be one of LELO’s flagship toys. A true fan favorite. The kind of toy people would keep...
Keep Reading
Penis ToysSex Toy Reviews

Review: Grip

May 11, 2010
Since falling for the Fleshlight, my boyfriend has had a distinct distaste for strokers that feel — as he puts it...
Keep Reading
1 2 3

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Graphic showing me and Sid from the video, plus a shot of me suctioning skin on my hand, and a photo of the clit pump itself.

Video review: a trans + cis conversation on clit pumps

3D-printed clitoris organ, showing the entire external and internal structure, on a galaxy backdrop.

The clitoris: still the center of my universe

LELO Ida vibrator in a box of various nail polishes.

Review: Ida

Wahl, Hitachi, Rock Box

Review: Rock Box

njoy Pure Plugs (medium and large) in a jewelry box with a bunch of gaudy bracelets and rings.

Review: Pure Plugs

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