Apr 092016
 

Get free U.S. shipping at Hole Punch Toys with code EPIPHORA.

Hole Punch Toys Ass Cram Cone, Plugs Bunny, and Crotch RocketThere’s a little operation in Saint Paul, Minnesota, making the world a better place. Quietly, without fanfare, they’re making hand-poured silicone sex toys in fantastical shapes. Carrot and radish butt plugs. Popsicle dildos. Ice cream anal toys. Rocket ship strap-ons. And I didn’t even know they existed back when I got an email from them with the subject line Do Your Worst.

Well.

The owner of Hole Punch Toys, Colin, was emailing to ask that I review something of theirs. “You will absolutely tear it apart, I am sure,” he wrote. “However, I think it would be excellent fodder for your wit.”

His certainty was alarming. How could I hate an ice cream shaped butt plug or a sparkly dildo? What about these toys could possibly inspire such ire? I asked for clarification. He wrote back:

I based my supposition that you would not like them on a review of B.S toy, which you (not unreasonably) found fault in the finish and enjoyability of the form.

As you can see, my toys are not designed with physical functionality as a top priority. The pleasure my pieces are designed to induce is a cerebral one. I very much believe that sex can be play. One of the great pleasures of adulthood, for me at least, are the times when I am with a partner with whom getting naked and fooling around has an almost childlike sense of fun and discovery. It is a giggly, lightheaded feeling. My toys are meant to be a physical representation of this.

Also, [my toys] are not polished. While not ragged, they are not “perfect”. There are seams. There are blemishes. I make no apologies for this. It’s just the way it is.

This explanation made accepting the challenge even easier. How would these toys, not particularly designed for sexual pleasure, fare when used that way? What would I say in a review, given — for the first time — active encouragement to find fault in the products? How would I wield such unprecedented power?!

I asked for the Ass Cram Cone, Plugs Bunny, and Crotch Rocket. Colin alerted me that I had chosen all toys made with the stiffer silicone (40 shore hardness) and suggested they pour the Ass Cram Cone in a softer stock if I was planning to use it vaginally. Smart. I was. I agreed.

The toys came to me in cardboard tubes with cute home-printed labels. I took them out, lubed them up, and put them in my orifices (not all at once, pervs), ready and willing to do my worst.

Ass Cram Cone

Hole Punch Toys Ass Cram Cone butt plug (which I used vaginally)For years, I have wanted a sex toy shaped like an ice cream cone. Not simply a toy with a swirly shape, but something 100% committed to being a full-fledged ice cream cone. One existed before my time — manufactured by the supremely imaginative but long-defunct Dills for Does — but since then, nothing satisfactory.

The Ass Cram Cone is more adorable than my wildest dreams, and let’s be honest, that probably sways my opinion a bit. It reminds me of eating neapolitan ice cream straight out of the box, boring a tunnel through the vanilla and strawberry stripes and not giving any fucks how my path of destruction might impact the next ice cream consumer. Ah, memories.

My ass is not ready to be crammed with an object of this size yet, so I only used the Ass Cram Cone vaginally (Vag Cram Cone?). Thanks to the softer shore of silicone, it has a delightful squish to it that likely meant the difference between apathy and serious enjoyment. The cushy silicone dulls what might otherwise feel too harsh: the array of drips decorating the sides of the cone.

At 2″ in diameter, the Ass Cram Cone provides a good, secure, full sensation, with a hint of G-spot stimulation simply from being huge. But the drips are what seal the deal. Resting just inside my vagina, I clench and revel in their contours. Drips and I, we get along. This is front wall stimulation done well.

The cool thing is that, since this toy does not have a G-spot curve, you can position it depending on how the drips interact with your body. Luckily for me, my favorite drip position1 corresponds to a base orientation that doesn’t block my clit. This is imperative. I need to be able to wedge a clitoral vibrator in there or else I start screaming. Uncontrollably.

Thrusting is not a thing with the Ass Cram Cone. It locks into my vagina and I only have to nudge it a little to appreciate its… flavors (sorry). It’s also excellent when I hold my Hitachi against the base and make it vibrate wildly.

The base could be less obtrusive, yes; especially anally, it’s likely to annoy butt cheeks. But without a big base, this toy wouldn’t stand up proudly. And it needs to stand up proudly, for photo ops at old-fashioned ice cream parlors and baseball games.

Stimulating drips + fullness + soft silicone + the best color combo ever make the Ass Cram Cone easily my favorite toy of the three. Even if my vagina can’t taste anything yet, the drips bring such a unique, refreshing dimension to the experience. I like you, Ass Cram Cone. You are my melty friend.

Plugs Bunny

Hole Punch Toys Plugs Bunny carrot-shaped butt plugThis plug looks so fucking innocent, but oh jeez. I can put things in my vag all day long, but bring me a long, pointy butt plug and I fall to my knees in defeat.

The Plugs Bunny is only 1.2″ in diameter, but its tapered tip and 4″ of insertable length just kill me. It’s too bad, because the gentle waves of the carrot feel nice going in… but it becomes a pokefest once fully inserted.

Nature clearly didn’t take anuses into account when crafting the carrot.

The base doesn’t bother me — although admittedly the sharp edges of leaves don’t exactly lend themselves to resting comfortably between butt cheeks. I’m more concerned with the persistent ache from my ass being speared by a vegetable.

It’s not like I was expecting a revolution. Mostly I asked for the Plugs Bunny because when you’re given the opportunity to own a carrot-shaped butt plug, you take it. As a butt plug, though, I… can’t take it.

Verdict: buy this only if you feel a mighty need to own a realistically-pointy carrot-shaped butt plug. Otherwise, for your other vegetable sex toy needs, the Rad-ish Plug and Baby Carrot look more ergonomic, or you could look into the various wares of SelfDelve.

Crotch Rocket

Hole Punch Toys Crotch Rocket spaceship dildoA behemoth of glittering, astronautical glory, the Crotch Rocket is easily the most visually stunning piece I tried from Hole Punch. Its shaft is speckled with teal glitter, and its base is, I’m pretty sure, the exact color of the smoke that billows up during spaceship takeoff: sparkly silver.

However, you’ll pay for this level of detail: $164. This is the price of handmade rocket ship dildos. Accept it. It costs more than a Vixen or Tantus dildo, more than the Pure Wand. And it’s not going to target your G-spot with the precision of a homing missile. It is, however, going to make your Apollo 16 diorama look legit as hell.2

That is the dilemma with the Crotch Rocket: form versus function. A softer silicone would prevent the toy from standing up on its own, and somehow that seemed important at the time, so I opted for the firmer silicone (the default density). What good is a rocket ship dildo that topples over? I thought. But what good is a perky, display-ready rocket ship dildo if it doesn’t also feel amazing?

Not that the Crotch Rocket feels unamazing. The three bumps are well-placed, and they work for me and my vagina. The top bump especially — that shit rules. I wish this toy had a G-spotting head, but the top bump almost makes up for that.

Seriously, the bumps are everything. If the Crotch Rocket was merely a torpedo shape, I’d be bitching hardcore right now. Fun fact: Tom Petty named his album Damn the Torpedoes to protest the proliferation of dissatisfying tubeshaped sex toys. (“Refugee” is about jacking off without a vibrator. “Don’t Do Me Like That” is about someone trying to bring a toxic dildo into the bedroom. It’s a concept album.)

With stuff this large and textured, I usually prefer a squishier silicone, which is why the Crotch Rocket is not a dildo I’ll be using regularly. I just don’t crave it. But the times I’ve had with it were more than passable — they were quite enjoyable.

———

Here I am, doing my worst, but true evisceration can’t happen when two out of three toys felt pretty damn good. Yes, they all have seams (which I found undetectable in use), and sure, they’re imperfect: the Plugs Bunny jabbed my ass and the Crotch Rocket failed to fulfill all my vaginal requirements for greatness. But I still respect dildo artisans, especially those with funky, playful designs. I guess you could say I have a soft spot for them.

Besides, a rocket ship dildo that doesn’t hit my G-spot seems easier to forgive than a plain jane dildo that doesn’t. An ice cream butt plug knows its place; it aspires to nothing beyond resembling a delicious confection. When it does feel wonderful, though, it’s a stupendous victory. A sweet, sweet bonus… like dating someone whose neapolitan preferences compliment your own.

Get free U.S. shipping at Hole Punch Toys with code EPIPHORA

Get free U.S. shipping at Hole Punch Toys with code EPIPHORA.
Browse more Hole Punch Toys at SheVibeSmitten Kitten, and Come As You Are.

  1. Because yes, there are some that are uncomfortable… []
  2. You could also save yourself some cash and get the Pocket Rocket for display purposes. Depending, of course, on the scale of your diorama. []
  • Lorelei Fuller

    Lorelei here, over in Austin, Tejas. Forbidden Fruit, sexy us, loves your writing. Oh the stuff I learn! I adore Hole Punch, the flair and joy. Thank you for the fearless wit. Smooch!

  • Lunabelle

    When I reviewed the Crotch Rocket, I included a staged “moon landing” photo because it had to be done. Also, you have renewed my desire to get an Ass Cram Cone.

  • “it had to be done.” Yes.

  • I have to say, I’m shocked you didn’t pick the Fluke in the Miami Vice or Bushfire colors! That ombre… those colors… the gspot stimulation… Glad to hear they have your stamp of approval, though 🙂

  • “”Ass Cram Cone” has made my day.

    (The name. Not the actual toy. Not yet, anyway.)

  • I love the idea of the moon landing photo. So…

  • Shelley

    I was unable to resist looking. Then buying. Can’t wait to try.

  • Maddy Archey

    I’m shocked she didn’t pick the CJ for the sake of the GLOWING NEON GREEN

  • I was trying to limit myself rather than yelling “I WANT YOUR WHOLE CATALOG.” But. I have tried a friend’s Fluke and I liked it.

  • Rin

    This… this review was the cherry on top of a lovely evening which has made me feel considerably better after my depression kicking my ass the past few days.

    See, after the Selfdelve review, I had to do it: I HAD to find a site selling one of those banana dildos in English (Google Translate can only get me so far). I found a site based in Switzerland that did just that, and shipped internationally. And tonight, I took the plunge and ordered that lovely fruit-for-my-loins.

    Then I thought, “That Hole Punch place I found a while back also had some fun food-toys. Maybe I can find a complimentary piece?” And so I popped a Baby Carrot plug into my cart. Just before finalizing the order, I wondered whether or not you’ve ever reviewed them and given out a code, and if you had, whether that code was still valid. You might have actually been able to hear my squeal of delight when I saw this review on the front page. It also helped me decide that yes, the smaller carrot is the better choice for me.

    So thank you, Epiphora, from the bottom of my heart. Upcoming sexytimes are going to have a playful, vegetation-based theme to them, and you had a hand in making it happen. Give yourself a hug from me.

  • That’s it – long been admiring their products and wit…contacting now. 🙂

  • Dandemort

    I want so many of their things but unfortunately I don’t think I could justify paying that much for things that are more decorational (especially not with exchange).

    Actually, I was on the verge of getting the baby carrot for 30% off at CAYA but it seemed too small even for me, which is a shame.

    That said, HOLY SHIT DO I WANT THEIR MOTHER INTERIOR TOY. It is… I just… http://www.holepunchtoys.com/shop/mother-interior All the blasphemy and naughty nunnery with none of the creepy, veiny crucifixion the internet loves to show me.

  • A beautiful story of fruit and vegetable dildo abundance!

  • sayitwithsarcophilus

    Most of their stuff is too girthy for me, but I love looking through their site just because everything’s so jolly and quirky and colorful.

  • D Skye

    Like the ice-cream one.

  • The Darling Kinkshamer

    As a lesbian, I am always glad to see creative non-penis appearing dildos! These are awesome, I’m going to buy something now! I’m a bit disappointed that they weren’t wonderful, but I prefer less soft silicone toys, most of mine are plastic/metal so…I am might try a radish plug. I also like the “Pure pop” on the website.

  • FieryRed

    Tom Petty will be forever more entertaining, now.

  • Ana Maria

    So I got my first Hole Punch Toys a few days ago, and they are incredible. I found out through scouring the internet that they used to have a smaller ice cream butt plug, which is now discontinued. But I fell in love with it, so I emailed Colin, and that wonderful human told me he could pour one for me and whatever color I wished. He also agreed to pour me the Hole Punch Plug in a color not listed. The whole time he emailed back promptly and the toys got to me surprisingly quickly.

    I am now the proud owner of a Teeny Creemy that resembles a soft-serve vanilla cone and Hole Punch Plug in a beautiful Cerulean blue. I am also delighted to say both toys feel amazing. Nothing has felt so at home in my ass as the Hole Punch Plug. Seriously, perfect fit, the most comfortable thing I’ve ever had in my ass. I feel like I could have it in for hours without a whiff of discomfort (haven’t tried that yet, but it’s so comfy it feels like a real possibility). I was sad to remove it when I did, because I didn’t want to.

    As for the Teeny Creemy, Colin had warned me he discontinued the toy because he felt the neck was actually to small to be really comfortable as a plug. In a way, he’s right, I discovered it’s not a toy you can just pop in with little warm up and leave in. However, that’s not my favorite way to use it. I love using it as a gradual thrusting tool. Mine is made from a squishy silicone, so combining that squish with the really pointy top and a lot of thick lube, I find I can insert the tip, then relax and back off, then insert a little more, and then back off and so on, taking my time. It’s been the most effortless and pleasurable way to warm up my butt for bigger things to come. I’ve started to really crave the slow penetration I can do with the Teeny Creemy.

    My wishlist is now significantly bigger, and I’m having a hard time deciding which one to save up for next. I also feel delighted knowing if there’s a toy in the catalog I love in shape but not in color, I can email Colin with a special color request (I want a CJ Hooker in a Fluke gradient color yo). And I want that super squishy Vag (sorry, Ass) Cram Cone soooo baaaaad.

    All of this is to say, their toys are amazing, and Epiphora is (as per usual), right.I want to give them all my money.

  • You know a sex toy is good when you don’t want to remove it from your ass! Thanks for sharing your experience; I’m so happy the company exceeded your expectations. That Teeny Creemy is SO CUTE!

  • Zen

    Ahh, I remember seeing their stuff the first time I went to Smitten Kitten! I kept returning to the Teeny Creamy for its adorableness! At that point I wasn’t really at a place where I could buy any of their stuff, but it was great seeing the variety they had in person and touching the display models. Awesome!

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