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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

Greatest Hits

My best work. I’m sure my writing teachers are very proud.

Latest
  • Latest
  • Oldest
  • Random
  • A to Z
Me in a motel in 2002, on the bed writing in my journal.
BanterBreak Out the TissuesGreatest Hits

Becoming a real writer

February 18, 2015
I always wanted to be a writer. I wrote e.e. cummings quotes on...
Keep Reading
Pipedream Ceramix No. 4 ceramic dildo
DildosGreatest HitsSex Toy Reviews

Review: Ceramix No. 4

February 3, 2015
I wanted to feel the sensation of water sloshing in my vagina....
Keep Reading
LELO Mona Wave rechargeable G-spot vibrator on a rainy cement surface.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementGreatest HitsSex Toy Reviews

Review: Mona Wave

January 26, 2015
The LELO Mona Wave feels like being fingered by someone who is absent-mindedly...
Keep Reading
The Girl Next Door (2004)
FeaturesGreatest HitsMovie Night

Movie Night: The Girl Next Door

January 14, 2015
If you ever need proof of what a little shit I was...
Keep Reading
September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterDisingenuous AssholesDon't Trust the HeadlinesGreatest HitsGuidesWhine Time

How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

January 10, 2015
So I was interviewed for a piece about female ejaculation/squirting for Fusion...
Keep Reading
We-Vibe Tango Glow (pink) and Dusk (gray-blue) Pleasure Mate Collection
Anal ToysGreatest HitsHi, I love youKegel ExercisersSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: We-Vibe Tango Pleasure Mate Collection (Dusk and Glow)

December 20, 2014
I’m in love. Its name is the We-Vibe Dusk, and I’m using it all...
Keep Reading
Black LELO Ora (original), blue LELO Ora 2 on a hardwood floor.
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementGreatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Ora 2

December 15, 2014
I wish the entirety of this review could just be the word no....
Keep Reading
LELO Pino... a cock ring "exclusively for bankers"
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Pino

November 24, 2014
We need to talk about what’s happening with LELO. For about three years,...
Keep Reading
Holding the key to dildo mansion.
BanterBlogger LyfeGreatest HitsGuidesTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

15 things I learned buying a house as a sex blogger

November 10, 2014
Most of my summer was spent in the throes of buying a...
Keep Reading
Scare-tactic G-spot headlines complete with stock photos of women and feet.
BanterDisingenuous AssholesDon't Trust the HeadlinesGreatest HitsGuidesWhine Time

An abridged guide to decoding horseshit articles about the G-spot

October 11, 2014
Less than a month ago we were attacked by headlines screaming that the...
Keep Reading
Fun Toys G-Vibe, a purple dildo with a split shape, creepin' on the neighbors through the blinds.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: G-Vibe

September 22, 2014
There are some failtastic sex toys that I keep around simply so...
Keep Reading
Bouquet of hand drawn sex toys.
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterBreak Out the TissuesGreatest HitsShenanigansSunshine & Rainbows

Friends who have sex with each other

July 12, 2014
Kynan greets me at the airport with a bouquet of hand-drawn sex...
Keep Reading
Screenshot from the now-defunct Teddy Love crowdfunding video, of a woman touching a teddy bear's nose.
FeaturesGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, No

Um, No: Teddy Love

June 19, 2014
This is not cute. This is not adorable. This is not acceptable....
Keep Reading
Magic Banana kegel exerciser and dildo, surrounded by plastic letters from the Bananagrams game spelling out "EMPOWERMENT."
DildosGreatest HitsKegel ExercisersSex Toy Reviews

Review: Magic Banana

February 5, 2014
Have you ever looked at a jump rope, bike lock, thighmaster, or lasso...
Keep Reading
iGino partying with a tequila shot,.
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: iGino One

December 27, 2013
OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ...
Keep Reading
Shiri Zinn Cupcake vibrator, and the tools to dismantle the patriarchy. (Fork and knife.)
Greatest HitsSex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: Cupcake

December 19, 2013
This sex toy is everything I hate. Cutesy. Twee. Pink. Girly. Symbolic. I want to...
Keep Reading
1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Black LELO Ora (original), blue LELO Ora 2 on a hardwood floor.

Review: Ora 2

Strapless strap-on dildos. Tantus Feeldoe More, Tantus Realdoe Stout, Fun Factory ShareVibe, Happy Valley Tango.

Why I don’t like strapless strap-on dildos

Fun Factory Bi Stronic Fusion pulsator on an ornate rug.

Review: Bi Stronic Fusion

Magic Banana kegel exerciser and dildo, surrounded by plastic letters from the Bananagrams game spelling out "EMPOWERMENT."

Review: Magic Banana

Table of dildos! And camera! And notebook! And laptops! And coffee!

15 rules for writing a sex toy review that doesn’t royally suck

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