• About
    • About Epiphora
    • Press
    • My sex blogging course ✨
    • Blogroll
  • Contact
    • Advertising
    • Consulting
  • Subscribe
  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
    • Greatest hits
    • Tags & categories
  • Toybox
  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

thick boi

Chunky, beefy toys to fill you up.

Latest
  • Latest
  • Oldest
  • Random
  • A to Z
Sex toys getting me through the pandemic
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterDildosGreatest HitsGuidesHi, I love youLube etc.Sex Toy ReviewsSunshine & RainbowsVibrators

Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

March 16, 2022
The pandemic has been a whole new time of giving-zero-fucks, and for me that’s looked like a sort of survivalist...
Keep Reading
Uberrime Helios Sun God and Splendid silicone dildos standing on a table, casting a reflection.
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Uberrime dildos (Splendid + Helios Sun God)

November 18, 2018
When I was but a wee sex toy reviewer, every new sex toy material was a treat. Not yet jaded...
Keep Reading
BMS Factory Swan Curve vibrator leaning against the Swan Wand, with Mini Swan Wand in foreground, in a kiddie pool.
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Swan Wand, Mini Swan Wand + Swan Curve

June 15, 2018
When I hear the word “swan,” I think of a few things. Grace. Elegance. The color white. Bjork. Overwrought symbols...
Keep Reading
New York Toy Collective Carter silicone dildo on a nightstand, next to a golden lamp base and a floral tea cup.
Adventures in SquirtingDildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Carter

February 25, 2017
I squirt every time I use the New York Toy Collective Carter. Movement or not. No matter the external vibe....
Keep Reading
Hole Punch Toys Ass Cram Cone, Plugs Bunny, and Crotch Rocket standing on a wood pile in front of a pale blue house.
Anal ToysDildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Hole Punch Toys

April 9, 2016
There’s a little operation in Saint Paul, Minnesota, making the world a better place. Quietly, without fanfare, they’re making hand-poured silicone...
Keep Reading
Downunder Toys on a platter, left to right: Koala Kiss, Hot Banana Rod, Mr. H Rod (dual-density), Classic Hot Rod, Mr. H Rod (single-density)
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Downunder Toys

February 2, 2016
Contrary to popular belief, I can be sweet-talked. Start by sending me a nice, gracious email. Acknowledge the work I do in...
Keep Reading
Fucking Sculptures G-Spoon large glass dildo on rough cement.
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: G-Spoon

May 17, 2014
I promptly asked for the biggest size available, because of course I did. That was my mistake. The dildo comes, of course,...
Keep Reading
NobEssence Seduction in Padauk wood, lying out in the sun.
DildosGuest Reviews

Guest Review: Seduction

August 6, 2013
It’s been three years since I reviewed the NobEssence Seduction (oh my god, I’m OLD), and in that time, my...
Keep Reading
Vixen Creations Buck dildo with a bunch of bananas. Accordingly, the dildo has a Chiquita sticker on it that says NATURAL NUTRITION.
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Buck

July 10, 2013
Is there a VixSkin oversaturation point? I now own seven things made out of this dual-density silicone, yet I’m still...
Keep Reading
Silicone dildos standing upright and proud.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsGuidesMaking ProgressTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

My vagina is a black hole: how I learned to love penetration

December 4, 2012
A few weeks ago, I dusted the literal dust off a 2″-thick hunk of stainless steel, put on some porn,...
Keep Reading
Fun Factory Big Boss G5 rechargeable vibrator on a wooden table.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Big Boss G5

August 16, 2012
The Fun Factory Big Boss is seriously orange. Across the room, day-glo, Manic Panic, atomic, toxic waste orange. Of course,...
Keep Reading
Tantus Cush O2 on a wooden table.
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Cush O2

July 16, 2012
One night, as I was preparing to jack off, I decided I had to have the Tantus Cush O2. I...
Keep Reading
Good Vibes Rippler dildo on concrete.
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Rippler

March 17, 2012
The Pleasure Works Rippler is like what the Tantus Echo wants to be when it grows up. It is a...
Keep Reading
Vixen Creations Outlaw realistic silicone dildo
Adventures in SquirtingDildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Outlaw

September 2, 2010
The Vixen Creations Outlaw is a beast. I think we can all agree on that. Towering at a freakish 8...
Keep Reading
njoy Eleven stainless steel dildo
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Eleven

August 22, 2010
I don’t normally have sexual dreams, but I’ve had dreams about the njoy Eleven. They were always incredible jack-off sessions...
Keep Reading
Vixen Creations VixSkin Johnny realistic dildo
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Johnny

June 20, 2010
I did it. I got Johnny — a realistic dildo with BALLS. And VEINS! And… and… balls! (Keen readers will...
Keep Reading
1 2

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Wobbling Willy, a magenta dildo with a bobble head attached.

What, you don’t want a dildo with your boyfriend’s face on it?

G-Spot Rx vibrator, a rabbit-style vibe in clinical blue, with a strange little rub on the shaft that rocks back and forth.

The world’s FIRST and only REAL G-spot toy! Ever!!!

Bubble Love pleasure jet and Dilly dildo attachment on an old boat dock.

Review: Bubble Love

Bottles of Sliquid lined up: Sliquid Sea, Organics Gel, and Sassy.

My favorite lube? Sliquid anything

Jimmyjane Little Chroma on top of my blender.

Review: Little Chroma

Blog sponsors

Your ad here footer

Tescort.com  ·  Wholesale Sex Toys  ·  Best Sex Dolls  ·  Best Sex Doll Torso at Idolsdoll.com  ·  sexy toy factory  ·  Wholesale Silicone Sex Toys & Custom Sex Dolls

Hey Epiphora logo
  • About
  • Contact
  • Advertise with me
  • Consulting
  • Sex Blogging Course
  • Accessibility & Privacy
  • Subscribe
© Hey Epiphora. Don't steal. Ask if you're not sure. [Accessibility & Privacy Policy.]
  • Latest posts 📝
    • Reviews
    • Guides
    • Banter
  • New here? 🧐
    • Get directions!
    • Browse greatest hits
    • Browse tags & categories
  • All-time fave toys ✨
  • Toybox 🍆
  • Sales + fave retailers 💸
    • Epiphora-approved sex toy shops
    • Sex toy sales, deals, and promos
    • Epiphora-approved porn
  • FAQ 🔎
  • About 🌈
    • About Epiphora
    • Press
    • My sex blogging course
    • Blogroll
  • Contact 💌
    • Contact
    • Advertising
    • Consulting
  • Random 🌀
Subscribe & support 💌
  • Subscribe
Start typing to see results or hit ESC to close
snark level: highvibrator reviewssquirting
See all results

Dildos in your inbox.

Join over 18,000 fellow dong worshippers

Unsubscribe whenever you wish.

Score!

You're all signed up to receive updates on my vaginal hijinks. 💌 Thanks, friend!

Dildos in your inbox.