Jumble of butt plugs in my sink.

Jack-off Journal #19

Programming my own vibration patterns, hipster porn, and taking videos of the inside of my vagina.

February 11, 2015

META JACK-OFF JOURNAL. After spending all day finishing Jack-off Journal #18, I gave it to Aerie to read in the other room and thrust myself into my office for two quick orgasms with the Hitachi, which I desperately needed after a day of nonchalantly skipping through porn files and editing screenshots.

February 28, 2015

A bunch of rabbit-style vibes all lined up.
Left to right: OhMiBod Lovelife Adventure, L’Amourose Denia, Picobong Kaya, LELO Soraya, LELO Ina 2, Afterglow.

Please, god, let this be the last time my vagina experiences the Afterglow and its laser light “technology.” Let this rabbit-infested masturbation nightmare end.

Determined to definitively disprove the veracity of the “PulseWave O” program (an 8-minute “journey designed to enhance arousal and help you achieve better and more frequent orgasms”), I endured it three times and paid special attention to my arousal and orgasm quality. Neither were better than I’d experience with any other disappointing rabbit vibe, as I then verified by testing the rest of the ones I own.

P.S. I HATE RABBITS. I kept cheating and pressing the Ina 2 against my clit like it was a Mona.

P.P.S. I got blood all over everything, but that is what the Afterglow deserves.

March 2015

Various attempts this month at testing the astoundingly unpleasurable Vibratex Princessa. Watched James Deen lick a girl’s eyeball. Had one of the worst orgasms of my life but published one of the greatest tweets of my life. I guess it evens out.

April 10, 2015

As part of an elite group of early testers for the Crave Flex and Duet Flex, I was given access to an online interface to adjust each setting on the vibes. NERD STATUS COMMENCE. I enjoyed making the vibes do my bidding, programming the steady mode to begin at 55% power (as it should be), eliminating all the space between pulses (FINALLY), and making the waves move faster and get increasingly stronger.

Programmed wave settings on the Crave Duet Flex vibrator.

Putting my customizations on the vibe entailed downloading a VIBES.pat file, plugging the toy into my computer, and replacing the existing VIBES.pat. It took many, many adjustments before I found the winning combination, which I then uploaded for Crave so they could use the data to determine the final settings on the finished products.

April 23, 2015

On this day, I whined on Twitter about being cold and not wanting to take off my pants to masturbate. A common problem for me, but the internet could not resist presenting me with ideas for rectifying my (not at all a) problem.

Seriously, I can see the vag gunk splattered all over the blanket now.

April 30, 2015

Queued up Cock Happy 3 because I wanted my Belladonna fix and laid out a thousand glass dildos for an afternoon masturbation session to solidify my thoughts on the Joyful Pleasure dildos. Is anyone else perturbed by how badly dudes in straight porn kiss? Seriously, their tongues are like snakes. I still love her scene with Sean Michaels, though. She rubs her vulva on his boots.

I had six orgasms or so. Not exaggerating. I had to work my way through all the dildos, like Jack in Titanic making his way through each piece of silverware around his plate.

May 1, 2015

Do you ever find a part of a porno so hot that you rewind and re-watch it until you come? That was me with this today. The moment was a mere 40 seconds long, which was problematic, but I love when dudes can’t control themselves and leave their pants on.

Steve Holmes' dick sticking out through his jeans... and into Stoya's pussy.

May 19, 2015

It began simply enough, as a quest to test the vibration longevity of the Magic Wand Rechargeable. I turned the toy on high and propped it up on a chair in my office like a strange puppet. But… the sound of it buzzing was kind of arousing. My clit has developed a Pavlovian response to the sound of a vibrator.

Cute queers making out and canoodling in a pool with a donut floaty.

So I opened Queen Bee Empire. Yes, that is a donut pool floaty. This porno is so twee, so quaint, so queer, so hipster that it makes me feel less cool by the minute. But that’s okay; I appreciate attention to detail, and the people are hot.

A person using a wand style vibrator on a floral-patterned comforter.

I was really into this solo scene because it was cut with shots of the subject’s fantasies, which included people skateboarding, squirting, buzzing their hair off, and licking popsicles. Also, THAT FRAMING.

People reaching into a heart-shaped box to grab dildos.
One person holding a lollipop up to another's lips.

If, like me, you feel great concern over the eventual location of that lollipop, you will be happy to know that a condom was rolled over it before someone used it in another person’s ass.

At this point I’d had two orgasms and I knew the Magic Wand Rechargeable had to be nearing the end of its lifespan, but I tempted fate and kept masturbating anyway. Its light started blinking red at me. That can’t be good, I thought absent-mindedly. About three minutes later as I started to come, NO JOKE, AT EXACTLY THAT MOMENT, the battery died and the toy abruptly stopped vibrating.

I definitely whimpered and whined like a wounded puppy.

June 7, 2015

On vacation with sex blogger friends, we scattered like cockroaches to masturbate in our respective rooms… and continued to chat on the internet the entire time. My Crash Pad stream was buffering really slowly, so I instant messaged them and they graciously closed their porn tabs. True friends!

I was equipped with Penny’s Svakom Siime vibrator, better known as the vagcam because it has a camera on the end of it, and a speculum to help me take a halfway-decent video of the inside of my vagina. I also had Girly Juice’s Womanizer, a toy that’s supposed to mimic sucking on your clit.

Trying all these weirdo things at once was probably a bad idea, plus the mid-day light from the window was coming in RIGHT INTO MY EYE and reflecting off my laptop screen back so I couldn’t see the porn, and the Womanizer sounded like a robotic vacuum, and the speculum felt like a speculum, and the vagcam had to be held still and pointed correctly…

Perhaps needless to say, my orgasm wasn’t very good. And thus, the resulting vagcam video is uninspiring — you can barely see any contractions at all.

June 16, 2015

While masturbating sitting up at my desk, I went to type something and the glass dildo started slipping out of my vag. I caught it quickly between my thighs. Nice save, me.

July 13, 2015

Jumble of butt plugs in my sink.
Clockwise from bottom left: Marc Dorcel Geisha Plug, njoy Pure Plug, Fun Factory Boosty, Fun Factory Bootie, Fun Factory B Balls.

Spent hours with the Fun Factory B Balls in my ass, watching some hot forced cunnilingus in James Deen’s 7 Sins: Envy and testing the Revel Body SOL.

A couple orgasms later, I had a ridiculous idea: to stuff my vagina full of kegel balls, filling both my genital cavities with balls.

I felt so jiggly. Like a horse at Christmas time.

There were people over when I went to empty my orifices, and I had visions of someone walking in on me as I pulled the vag-juice-dripping balls out of my body, so I locked my bathroom door for potentially the first time ever.

Afterward, I felt so blissfully empty.

Similarly-salacious material

  1. Please tell me that a normal consumer type person can access that customization tool for the Crave Flexes. That sounds like so much fun to play with…..

  2. I hate to say it, but no. 🙁 I asked Crave why it was axed in the consumer version and they said they are not set up for the kind of customer support it would entail. I can see how non-tech-savvy people could run into problems, so I can’t say I blame them… but I too am bummed, because the functionality is really cool. Hopefully in the future.

  3. I hate rabbits, too. Fuck rabbits. The first time I ever used kegel balls, I put them in and went for a walk on the dock at night with my then-boyfriend (how romantic). They really started hurting, & since it was nighttime, I figured I could just turn away from him, discreetly pull ’em out real quick and put ’em in my purse. Well, I guess I wasn’t paying enough attention and the balls were blocking my urethra because once I released them, I peed everywhere. No, I wasn’t squirting, I was straight-up urinating. I peed my pants. Thanks, kegel balls.

  4. Awww….that totally makes me sad. I can understand that perspective on it – a lot of people would have issues, and they’d probably get a lot of flak for going “Well, it can do this thing, but we’re not going to provide any help with it”.

  5. Shame the butt kegel balls were so crappy. I just recently tried the pure plug and it was GLORIOUS WOW. You were totally right in your review, it made me want to rub my vulva on things.

  6. I, for one, am fully behind them releasing it and never offering any support at all. It’s the 21st century. Forums could easily offer customer-run support and thinktank. Just putting this out there.

  7. The condom thing made me super happy for approximately five seconds before the healthcare professional in me started crying because that lollipop does not have a flared base.

  8. Also, I just about died laughing when I read “Nice save, me.”

    Your posts make me feel so many things.

  9. I was browsing Good Vibrations earlier today and was thinking about getting that Womanizer! I really want a toy that provides suction or simulates oral that’s actually /good/ (I’m looking at you, Sqweel), and everything I’ve seen never seems to meet expectations. I’m glad I read this, I think I’ll pass on that one and stick with normal vibrators instead of all those newfangled alternate sensation toys that never live up to the hype!

  10. I got to try the Crave Flex and Duet Flex display models when I recently went to Good Vibrations, but I was not impressed with the (lack of) power. These were the final retail versions. I kept trying to turn up the power without success and thought, “that’s it?”. Maybe they weren’t fully charged or something, but the regular Duet still feels a lot stronger to me. I just tried the Womanizer too and I expected to hate it so I bought it at Lovehoney (I also had a coupon) – but I really liked it. I wanted the turquoise but I got the black with leopard print (ugh) because LH only has that or the even worse bright purple/pink with “snow leopard” print. I need a lot of power but it seemed to work when I held it pressed tightly against my clitoris or slightly to the side. I couldn’t feel any “sucking” but it almost felt like a deep throbbing vibration, with a very subtle “tugging”, I was also able to use an insertable with it without too much difficulty. It worked great for me but I still think it’s overpriced, get it at LH if you can for their guarantee if you want to try it. Unfortunately they only have 2 of the color options, and both are horrendous. I really HATE how ugly it is but I will keep it anyway. It is a unique sensation and may not be for everyone. But there’s something I’ve been dying to ask ever since I saw the video on Lovehoney- when would the Womanizer EVER be mistaken for an ear thermometer? Seriously? Maybe in the Bundy’s house…

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