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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
    • Get directions!
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  • All-time faves
  • Buy toys
    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
  • Random

Sex Toy Reviews

The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

All
  • Air Flow, Thrusters & Movement
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  • Slush pile
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Random
  • Latest
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  • Random
  • A to Z
Crystal Delights Crystal Twist swirly glass dildo on my porch.
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Crystal Twist

January 17, 2012
You may or may not be asking yourself, how can one go wrong with a sex toy shaped exactly like Taco...
Keep Reading
DildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Athena

July 21, 2009
The Luxotiq Athena is a gorgeous and elegant double-ended dildo, with two different-sized ends. Both ends double as insertable and as...
Keep Reading
Fun Factory Big Boss G5 rechargeable vibrator on a wooden table.
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Big Boss G5

August 16, 2012
The Fun Factory Big Boss is seriously orange. Across the room, day-glo, Manic Panic, atomic, toxic waste orange. Of course,...
Keep Reading
Bro Sleeve (Doc Johnson Helping Head masturbation sleeve) on fuzzy red and orange carpet.
Guest ReviewsPenis ToysSex Toy Reviews

Guest Review: Bro Sleeve (Good Head Helping Head sleeve)

April 21, 2015
As exciting as my vagina is to you people, I know it’s not the be-all-end-all of genitals. There are certain...
Keep Reading
Lovehoney Sqweel Go oral sex toy in a tiny casserole dish
Air Flow, Thrusters & MovementSex Toy Reviews

Review: Sqweel Go

October 29, 2014
“IT’S SO GODDAMN CUTE,” I stammered upon opening the Lovehoney Sqweel Go. I actually cooed over it, like an idiot. I don’t normally care...
Keep Reading
Fun Factory Bootie on a white sheet, next to a silver tray.
Anal ToysHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Bootie

June 4, 2009
My history with butt plugs has not been especially eventful, nor has it been particularly blissful. My first plug was...
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NobEssence Seduction in Padauk wood, lying out in the sun.
DildosGuest Reviews

Guest Review: Seduction

August 6, 2013
It’s been three years since I reviewed the NobEssence Seduction (oh my god, I’m OLD), and in that time, my...
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njoy Pure Plugs (medium and large) in a jewelry box with a bunch of gaudy bracelets and rings.
Anal ToysGreatest HitsHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Pure Plugs

September 26, 2012
I could’ve written a review for the njoy Pure Plugs before ever putting a single one in my ass. Of...
Keep Reading
Fun Factory Corsar rechargeable vibrator
Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Corsar

November 26, 2007
Corsar is my first 100% silicone toy, and I have to say, I am delighted. I’ve heard all the gushing about...
Keep Reading
Topco U Touch Side vibrator.
Sex Toy ReviewsSlush pileVibrators

Review: U Touch Side

July 30, 2013
I’m offended by Topco’s U Touch line. I wasn’t, at first — I was legitimately intrigued and even somewhat optimistic...
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Sex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Goddess Platinum Massager

February 8, 2009
I am ever on the lookout for any toy that resembles the love of my life, the Xtreme Pack G-spot...
Keep Reading
Oh hai, I AM ORANGE. The Tantus Ryder on a wooden floor.
Anal ToysSex Toy Reviews

Review: Ryder

July 26, 2011
There is nothing wrong with the Tantus Ryder. This is a butt plug that means business. It does its job...
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DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Mustang

October 3, 2011
Oh my god. This thing. You guys. This thing. It is SO GLORIOUS. It’s been nearly a year and a...
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LELO Siri rechargeable clitoral vibrator
Hi, I love youSex Toy ReviewsVibrators

Review: Siri

September 10, 2010
Siri is a new release from LELO made specifically for clitoral stimulation. Siri is futuristic and adorable, small and perfect for grasping....
Keep Reading
DVD cover of Bordello, queer porn directed by Courtney Trouble
PornSex Toy Reviews

Review: Bordello

February 8, 2010
This shall excite you: Bordello is basically Clue porn. There is a murder, a selection of murder weapons, and a...
Keep Reading
Tantus Cush O2 on a wooden table.
DildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Cush O2

July 16, 2012
One night, as I was preparing to jack off, I decided I had to have the Tantus Cush O2. I...
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Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Pills spilled on an orange surface.

The 2 weeks of my sex life I lost to Zoloft

Tiny dildos from Tantus, Bad Dragon and Fun Factory standing up on a wooden display shelf.

Review: Tiny Dildos

Bubble Love pleasure jet and Dilly dildo attachment on an old boat dock.

Review: Bubble Love

The Girl Next Door (2004)

Movie Night: The Girl Next Door

We-Vibe Wish rechargeable clitoral vibrator on a small table, next to a clock and necklace.

Review: Wish

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