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  • Reviews
    Reviews

    The bread and butter of this blog: sex toy reviews! Want to browse my reviews in a different way? Check out my Toybox, consult my list of tags, or jump to the worst stuff I’ve tried or my favorites.

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal. Cassette player lying in the grass, surrounded by sex toys and Epiphora-labeled cassette tapes.

    Sex blogger field notes: audio journal

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Sex toys getting me through the pandemic

    Review: We-Vibe Touch X + Tango X

  • Guides
    Guides

    Let me teach you things! Such as how to become a savvy sex toy shopper and avoid sex toys that will poison you.

    Me holding the Lovehoney Flash and Doxy Don, demonstrating the way one moves much more visibly than the other (and thus is much rumblier).

    Buzzy vs. rumbly: the most important aspect of a vibrator

    A selection of toxic sex toys. They smell like beach balls.

    Your genitals deserve better: the case against toxic sex toys

    Epiphora’s best and worst sex toys of 2018

    September 2014: Ejaculate all over my leg and soaked through a towel from the njoy Pure Wand.

    How I know squirting is real (and also not pee)

    Colorful vibrators and kegel balls surrounded by iridescent curly ribbons.

    Epiphora’s sex toy gift-giving guide

  • Banter
    Banter

    Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

    Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

    Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

    Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

    A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

    Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

    A basket of fruit and vegetables (carrot, cucumber, yam, corn, bunch of bananas) in the grass, on top of a tea towel with the word "MASTURBATION" on it.

    Produce fucking: which fruit or veggie makes the best dildo?

    Lora DiCarlo Osé twisted up in the only semi-usable position. Also some others from the line: Baci, Carezza, and Filare.

    Good riddance, Lora DiCarlo

  • New here?
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    Buy toys
    Dildos on display, courtesy of Early to Bed, one of my favorite indie sex shops.

    Epiphora-approved sex toy shops

    Various sex toys laid out on a grey table next to a rainbow blanket, with hang tags displaying handwritten prices.

    Sex toy sales, deals, and promos

    Finn Carson and Calvin Banks kissing, on CockyBoys

    Epiphora-approved porn

  • FAQ
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Banter

Ramblings, usually about sex toys, sometimes about my gaping vagina, sometimes about sex-related falsehoods perpetuated by the media. Notable subcategories include Disingenuous Assholes and True Life: I’m A Sex Toy Reviewer.

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A guy using a... magnifying glass?... while getting a blowjob.
Adventures in SquirtingFeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #8

June 16, 2010
May 8th, 2010 Eight days into May and I haven’t jacked off yet. I need to work on life. I...
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Limited edition tie dye Maverick. My first one was a flesh tone.
"The Industry"BanterFeaturesSex Toy News

Discontinuation alert: Vixen neon dildos

October 29, 2013
I HATE WRITING POSTS LIKE THIS, but you guys deserve to know before it’s too late. These beauties from Vixen...
Keep Reading
"The Industry"BanterFeaturesSex Toy News

Cal Exotic inches toward integrity

February 21, 2009
I’m a freak. The moment I heard that California Exotic Novelties launched a new website, I flew on over there....
Keep Reading
Anyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsShenanigansSunshine & Rainbows

Queer sex party chronicles: hi, I’m new here

September 23, 2021
The party would change my life, but I didn’t know it yet. I went to the wrong house at first....
Keep Reading
The shoe method of using a Fleshlight, tucked into the end.
BanterSunshine & RainbowsToybox Reports

Still Fleshlight after all these months

October 1, 2010
I’m at my desk, watching porn, jacking off, while my boyfriend reads in bed. Well, he reads for about 5...
Keep Reading
Limited edition tie dye Maverick. My first one was a flesh tone.
Adventures in SquirtingDildosHi, I love youSex Toy Reviews

Review: Maverick

April 27, 2010
I used to be frightened of realistic dildos. The flesh tones, the veins, the balls — all of it. It...
Keep Reading
My column in the high school paper, with the headline "Breaking four years of silence." There is a rainbow gradient effect over the image.
BanterBreak Out the Tissues

That time I came out to my entire high school

February 23, 2020
In high school, words were my power. Nobody paid attention to me otherwise. I was a queer kid coming of...
Keep Reading
Sarah Palin sex doll
"The Industry"BanterFeaturesFeminism's Not a Dirty WordHell Yes / Um, NoSex Toy News

Sarah Palin in plastic, with orifices

October 13, 2008
Topco has released a Sarah Palin sex doll. When I saw it, my first reaction was to laugh excitedly. Then...
Keep Reading
Banter

Protected: Hooray

August 1, 2010
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post....
Keep Reading
Bartenders porn DVD cover
BanterDirty VideosFeaturesHell Yes / Um, NoJack-off Journal

Hell Yes: Bartenders

May 16, 2010
Bartenders is the newest, yet-to-be-released feature porno from Burning Angel. Now, it takes serious hilarity to make me laugh aloud...
Keep Reading
Silicone dildos standing upright and proud.
Adventures in SquirtingAnyway How's Your Sex Life?BanterGreatest HitsGuidesMaking ProgressTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

My vagina is a black hole: how I learned to love penetration

December 4, 2012
A few weeks ago, I dusted the literal dust off a 2″-thick hunk of stainless steel, put on some porn,...
Keep Reading
Broken Oreos. These are symbols of wild STD spread, don't you know?
BanterWhine Time

Oreos? Really?: My “sloppy seconds” sex ed experience

October 29, 2010
It started out innocently enough, with a girls-only presentation about periods in the fifth grade. On a super-secretive slip of paper,...
Keep Reading
Cards in a sex game called "Foreplay"
"The Industry"BanterDisingenuous AssholesFeaturesFeminism's Not a Dirty WordGreatest HitsHell Yes / Um, NoWhine Time

How not to design a sex game

March 9, 2018
Why are sex games so bad? This is an eternal question I ask myself regularly. I have a whole label...
Keep Reading
BanterTrue Life: I'm A Sex Toy Reviewer

Obama will be president, and seven other awesome things

November 4, 2008
Barack Obama will be our next president. I’m not a hugely political person, but I was worried all day and...
Keep Reading
Vixen Creations Outlaw realistic silicone dildo
Adventures in SquirtingDildosSex Toy Reviews

Review: Outlaw

September 2, 2010
The Vixen Creations Outlaw is a beast. I think we can all agree on that. Towering at a freakish 8...
Keep Reading
Belladonna masturbating on a green bed.
Adventures in SquirtingFeaturesJack-off Journal

Jack-off Journal #7

May 25, 2010
April 6th, 2010 Wow, most frustrating masturbation session in a long time. I watched, but not really, Fashionistas, which wasn’t...
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1 2 3 … 11

Latest posts

Epiphora's best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2024)

Me wearing my harness with the Vixen Creations Leo dildo inside, an orange dildo with a bat pattern.

Queer sex party chronicles: pumpkin spice orgy

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool's retrospective

Dildo jokes forever: a 15-year April Fool’s retrospective

Epiphora's Black Friday sex toy sales and deals!

Best sex toy deals for Black Friday + Cyber Monday! (2023)

A circle of people wearing harnesses and dildos, arranged in a circle and shot from above. Dildos pointing into the middle.

Queer sex party chronicles: a magical birthday

Recent comments

Greatest Hits

Lowe Aurora, a sex toy that provides "low-level laser treatments" to the vulva

This sex toy will “rejuvenate” your pitiful vulva for just $850

LELO PicoBong Kiki vibrator (photo by Mandi at EROntric, used with permission)

Review: Kiki

Pills spilled on an orange surface.

The 2 weeks of my sex life I lost to Zoloft

BlissMe vibrators: Mr. Cowboy, Mr. U.K., Mr. Right, Mr. Badboy, and Mr. C.E.O

Um, No: BlissMe vibrators with… personalities

Movie Night: The Final Member

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