Here is a black hole devouring some gas. Credit: NASA/CXC/M.Weiss. I'm sure NASA would be pleased to see their photo used for such educational purposes.

A few weeks ago, I dusted the literal dust off a 2″-thick hunk of stainless steel, put on some porn, held a vibe to my clit, and easily slipped the big end of the 2.75-pound dildo into my vagina.

Every so often, I check to make sure this is true. I am always slightly surprised when it is, but there’s no denying it anymore. My vagina is a black hole. A cave. A vagina of doom. This is quite normal for me now. But it certainly didn’t begin that way. In fact, it began exactly the opposite… with my vagina, as I described it, â€œas tight as a Chinese finger trap.”

I used to laugh — especially when I first got into sex toy reviewing in 2007 — at the concept of “size queens.” Oh, I believed they existed, but I earnestly thought it was an impossibility that I could become one. It made sense at the time. I hadn’t had sex yet when I started reviewing, nor did I like penetration of any kind. I was really a quite different person than I am today.

Back then, I approached insertable toys with a sort of side-eyed distaste; if I was going to review sex toys, I guess I’d have to get used to actually putting them inside me.

The first toy I put in my vagina (which was pretty much the first thing to ever go into my vagina) was a pipsqueak of a vibe called My Secret. My Secret indeed! My secret was that My Secret fucking hurt. A sex toy no bigger than a finger hurt badly. It was a travesty. An embarrassing, frustrating travesty. You can see why I thought there was no hope.

My second attempt was with a shitty rabbit. The shaft was pretty thin, but it hurt so much that I couldn’t insert it far enough to take advantage of the clitoral stimulator. I distinctly remember lying on the bed, trying my best to just shove it in, feeling sharp pain when I did, and giving up in distress. I could not conquer it, and had to eventually admit defeat in my review. What a terrible review that was. My future as a sex toy reviewer was looking bleak.

My issues with insertion continued to crop up in my reviews in more subtle ways. Phrases such as “wuss of a puss” (what the fuck?), “a nice, mild amount of insertion,” and “I like thin toys — you know, the kind that don’t pose a threat to my insides” were my way of hinting at my situation. I considered my aversion to insertion an unchanging fact, a trait about myself — and so I accepted it. I tried to enjoy and adequately review insertable toys, but they were more of a chore than a pleasurable endeavor.

When I first had penetrative sex months later — despite having warmed up with dildos and having made admirable progress since that dreaded rabbit — it hurt like hell. And it continued to feel uncomfortable for months. And months. And months. It seemed like the discomfort would never end. I told myself it eventually would, especially if I kept using toys, so I trudged on.

But even a year after I first had sex, I still had trouble with larger or highly textured toys, like the Benjamin Bond and the G-Twist. I no longer hated my life when I used insertables, but these ones were rough. I realized too late that I was unqualified to make assessments about them, but I had to review them anyway. So, in my usual fashion, I told the truth:

. . . I had some issues with using it. And, to be honest, I’m still trying to figure out what’s bothering me. I can’t figure out if it’s the size of the shaft or the ridges on it, but one of them is causing me discomfort. The diameter of the shaft is 1 1/2″, so that’s pushing it for my vagina (one day I’m going to laugh at that sentence… I hope). I just couldn’t bring myself to thrust for very long, as it would become a bit irritating to my vaginal walls.

As a result, those are some of the least useful reviews I’ve ever written. I am ashamed of them. But what could I do? I figured I was just doomed to have a tiny, fragile vagina. I was more determined, though, to never fail myself and my readers like that again. I busied myself with reviewing porn, butt plugs, and clitoral vibes instead.

I remember receiving the NobEssence Seduction in fall of 2009 and thinking the big end of it was going to be too much for me. Somehow, it wasn’t, and instead was jaw-droppingly amazing. Overwhelmingly so. My G-spot sang. I figured this was a fluke, but it was actually a sign of things to come.

As I reviewed more and more, I grew to like dildos. I grew to love dildos. I grew to crave having something, anything in my vagina while I jacked off. I began to want girth. I began to feel empty if I only used a clitoral stimulator. And, lo and behold, sex became pleasurable!

Vixen Creations Randy dildo in the chocolate color, chilling with some moss on my patio.

But Randy, in January of 2010, was the real turning point. Randy is a 2″+ thick beast. My first experiences with Randy reminded me of having sex for the first time. There was immense pain, and I wanted to give up. Yet somehow, I approached a light at the end of the tunnel. I learned to appreciate Randy’s girth. Many masturbation sessions later, I was squirting whenever I came, sliding Randy out and gushing all over myself.

Perhaps this is where I should divide my life and my reviews: Epiphora B.R. (Before Randy) and Epiphora A.R.

Because that’s the other thing: G-spot stimulation. Ever since I started squirting, I learned more and more about my G-spot, and it became more sensitive and easy to pinpoint. I found some incredible toys that hit my G-spot crazily, making penetration a bit like heaven on earth. Meanwhile, my love of thickness only strengthened as I fell in love with all things VixSkin: Maverick, Johnny, and Outlaw.

All of this culminated in the person — and reviewer — I am today.

Now I try toys I received a long time ago and insert them further. I add disclaimers, explaining that “my vag is a champ” and folks should take that into account. I have a tag on this blog called “not for the faint of vagina.” I seek out big toys, often drawn to them based on their size. When faced with different sizes of the same toy, I inevitably choose large. The concept of a “warm up” toy is mostly silliness now. I still enjoy some smaller dildos just fine, but in general, my vagina likes a challenge (and has become known for it). It wants to conquer the Aggro Crag.

So now what? There’s always the Great American Challenge, but that’s gross. I do have an unused, 2 1/2″ thick bumpy glass dildo hidden away somewhere that I acquired from a fellow reviewer, but that’s pretty extreme. The only dildo that has almost broken me was the Tantus T-Rex. I have only successfully inserted it twice, after a lot of wincing. Hey, even black hole vaginas have their limits.

My tweet: "there is one plus side to the @Tantus T-Rex. I use it and afterward am like I CAN DO ANYTHINGGGG"

I can hardly believe that I used to be so resigned to the fact that insertion would never feel good. But what I didn’t understand was just how amazing G-spot stimulation could be. And how I could adore texture. And awesome materials. And crazy shapes. I never would’ve imagined that I would long for dildo after dildo. That I would treasure my dildos more than my vibrators. If someone had told me this, I wouldn’t have believed them. I guess I had to discover it myself. All I needed was a shit ton of persistence, an excuse in the form of a sex blog, and the watchful, judging eye of the internet.

It took years, but I’ve figured it out: my vagina is my friend, not a fiendish villain working against me. Now I proudly wear the label “size queen” as a badge of honor — one that I’ve earned. And yes, Epiphora of 2009, I am laughing at that sentence about 1 1/2″ being too thick.

Similarly-salacious material

  1. This post is very interesting for me because I am the same way as you from the past. Penetration toys are uncomfortable and hurt me so I tend to steer clear of them entirely. Reading this makes me wonder if I really should keep wussing out or try to teach my vagina who’s boss. Hmm…

  2. It’s definitely a worthwhile endeavor. I’d say get some insertables that really intrigue you so that you have incentive to use them. My life would be very different (in a bad way) if I had not persisted in trying more dildos.

  3. The story of your vagina reminds me how not so long ago I felt I was destined to be a gay guy who could never enjoy anal sex. Now I too have a Randy, and a Pure Plug 2.0, and even the imposing Tantus A-Bomb. Hurrah for overcoming personal limitations!

  4. Oh, how I recognize this. Not even a year ago 2,9 cm was my absolute limit. Now I can use the Vixen Bandit with no discomfort. Although that’s kind of cheating considering the give it has, it’s still one and a half fucking centimeters more than I could handle.

    I started using insertables as a virgin too, and still am, but it REALLY helps to put something in there once in a while. If only for shit and giggles.

  5. Is it as simple as just keep trying? I’m partway along this curve and would like to do a little better than currently, at least.

    Also, the world would be a better place if someone made sure that teenage girls were told about this and properly equipped to put it in practice.

  6. Reading this, it might be worth giving the Bad Dragon toys a go ( They can be quite girthy in the medium and larger variations of the toys, and the actual designs of them are rather interesting (where else would you find a dragon, werewolf, or cockatrice dildo?).

  7. I would like to try their toys, but their toys are also extremely long and often pointy. They are not really geared toward vaginas/cervixes at all.

  8. Your story gives me hope! I can only handle about 1 1/2″ in girth at the moment, but I want to work up to at least 2″. I have a polka-dotted Jollies Jollet that I’ve never been able to use because of my girth limitations 🙁

  9. Check Tantus’ “for him” section, where they have some girthy stuff. Or you could always get some SquarePeg stuff and use it in your vag instead of your butt.

    I think it’s good that you had reviews about toys being difficult to insert even with smaller diameters, because there are a lot of women who can’t/don’t want to accommodate really big things, and who may be sensitive like you were, and those things are helpful to know. Y’know- folk like me who use an entire bottle of lube, a lot of clit stim, and texting with my partner about sexy things and still cry trying to get the Maverick into me.

  10. I remember a younger me writing a reply on Yahoo! Answers that penetration held pretty much no real appeal . . . it’s weird how staunchly we believe our current sexual responses are set in stone and never gonna change, isn’t it? Fast-forward to now how I totally feel empty and my orgasms missing a crucial component when there’s nothing inside! Still can’t take much girth-wise, or at least, not very comfortably, but I dream (I actually dream of being fisted, so there’s a lofty goal to work towards).

  11. I wanted to mention the same thing. While I don’t consider myself a size queen, because I don’t need girth, up to 2 3/4″ just slips right in. Which brings me to Bad Dragon. Just the fact that they chose a Coke can as their size comparison object is enough to make me shudder. As someone not esily put off by girth, even some of their “small” dildos seem far too large. An article on one of their dildos by Epiphora would be something I would look forward to reading. Hell even just her toughts on the site hold the potential for hilariously snarky content. I mean come on! Every dildo has its own story!

  12. I honestly feel completely and utterly alone now. I seriously wonder if I am somehow less of a female because I have never had this trouble. I was somehow born with a spacious and well hydrated vagina. I have never had trouble fitting anything inside my vagina and I have also never needed lube. I now feel like a freak after reading all these comments!

  13. Reading this is inspiring. Right now, I’m at a point of my life where you were back in 2007, it sounds like. I can’t do penetration. The thought of sex terrifies me. Hell, I can’t even put in a tampon, the very idea of it freaks me out. I own several toys, but haven’t been able to muster up the strength to try inserting them yet, so instead I get off with clit stimulation and strapping on my dildos for genderbending fantasy play. I hope that someday I can overcome my fear of insertable toys — thank you for giving me hope!

  14. Suggestions have been made that you look towards the Xar and the Moko.

    The Cole could work but you’d want to choose a lower firmness on that to avoid ‘poking’ by the tip.

    The Crackers (cockatrice model) is designed for vaginal use, with a LOT of texture (and thus is a love or hate toy depending on personal preferences).

    It’d definitely be great if there ends up being one you can test out and review.

  15. I have weighed my options with the Bad Dragon toys before. The Cockatrice looks okay, but in my opinion, all of those are too pointy. And have ENORMOUS bases, which I hate.

  16. I started out as you, and still have a few problemss with being a bit.. wimpy and small, but I have to say that I have a small Karabos and it makes quite a fun challenge <3

    Could be awesome to hear you review one of the BD toys, aaand maybe the new Vixskin Lonestar which I've been eyeing but haven't brough because of the price tag.

    Not to mention BD toys make awesome stress relief squeeze toys when you just don't feel like doing anything.

  17. I remember when I first started reading your blog in 2010–I think it was your review of the Eroscillator that drew me here, straight off the Eroscillator web site. As I was contemplating a toy that cost over $200 and your review was the most thorough that I’d read, I still wanted to make sure your reviews were reviews and not product marketing. In the upper right of your blog header, I recognized one of the few sex toys I own and love (it’s even the same color as the one I own)-the Fun Factory G-twist. Even though it has pronounced ridges, I didn’t know at the time that these were “noticeable” or that the texture was something I loved, having nothing to compare it to–all I knew is that this toy felt good, and I’ve had many good orgasms with it. Now it’s no surprise to me that I enjoy a lot of texture. I also never considered myself a size queen, and my jaw did drop when I saw the thick end of Seduction, so I was dumbfounded when I read: The diameter of the shaft is 1 1/2″, so that’s pushing it for my vagina in your review for the G-twist. It took a bit of context to realize it was a dated review, and that you’d become much more open to a wider girth of dildo. (every instance of double entendre intended)

  18. Seeing this makes me sorta hopeful. On the one hand, vaginal penetration is awkward for gender reasons. On the other, I do fantasize about it but anything bigger than my damn pointer finger is painful no matter how much I’ve had sex and I don’t know if figuring out G-spot stuff would help with that.

  19. I am pretty sure my experience is the opposite. I know it’s cause I am not actively letting dudes put their wangs in me, but still.

  20. I want you to review the Tantus Cowboy. I know it’s virtually impossible, but I think it would just be so awesome if your vagina vacuumed up the whole thing.

  21. So, using larger toys didn’t stretch the vagina it just made the vaginal muscles more relaxed over time? I have found that this is true. I started with a bullet, and am now using a traditional beginner vibrator jimmyjane iconic smoothie, hoping to be able to use the Love Life Dream internally eventually.

  22. I think that’s a good way of putting it, yeah! I definitely don’t have to “work up” to anything smaller than 1.5″ in diameter or so anymore.

  23. Well that’s good news indeed, because maybe someday I’ll also be able to use a menstrual cup. I still have to work up to everything, but a finger’s width 🙁

  24. This reminds me of my first experience with a dildo. My first partner was about 1.75″ diameter, so I assumed, even though it had been a while since we’d broken up, that I could handle toys with similar girth. Boy, was I proven wrong. A 1.5 inch diameter glass dildo, despite warming up and coating it in lashings of sliquid h2o, made me wince and whimper and hurt, maybe worse than my first time having sex. But I just took a deep breath and proceeded slowly, and I finally worked it in. Then proceeded to have 7 orgasms with it, since taking it back out hurt too and I was procrastinating.

  25. this comment is old, but recent links brought me back to this article–and i just wanted to let you know that you are most definitely not alone. we are of the same stock. i usually feel pretty alone (if awesome) in that too, but hey, at least we know there’s someone else out there!

  26. I felt alone for being unable to use tampons let alone any type of insertable. I think because we are taught that sex/penetration/masturbation is shameful in our society we end up feeling wrong or alone whether we’re “spacious and well hydrated” or whether we’re the opposite!!

    I felt stupid before reading this article, and now I feel normal, but knowing that other people felt how I did for being the opposite also makes me feel better because we’re all different but it’s all ok!

  27. DUDE. Amazingly managed a 1.75″ toy yesterday! A squishy one, but still! Plan to share this post with my gf as well – she’s about where you were when you started out. 🙂

  28. Also, when you really think about it, this is so logical. We all know our leg muscles need to be stretched before we run, etc., and that our muscles become more flexible over time the more we stretch them. Only makes sense that the PC muscle would be no exception.

  29. Vamp makes some girthy softskin dildos, and Hole Punch Toys has some amusing-looking big stuff.

  30. Assuming your difficulties aren’t caused by anything medical, I say go for it! I worked my way up from the small Silk to the Cush in a little under a year. There are lots of interesting smaller insertables out there.

  31. I know this is super old. But it was such a relief to read this?! I thought there was something wrong with me. I have such a hard time getting any kind of penetration and I still haven’t actually gotten anywhere yet!

    You’re saying it just takes time and slowly working up? I can do that, now that I know it’s not something functionally wrong with me.

  32. I’ve read this great post before but came back to it today for a pep talk of sorts, and wanted to say how much I appreciate the post. I just got the Tantus Captain (yay inexpensive previously discontinued toys) and was intimidated by how big it felt in my hand (it’s 1.75 inches in girth and their firm silicone). This is the second toy I wasn’t able to insert on the first try but I’ve managed to use the other one (also 1.75 inches but ribbed such that some is thinner) a few times with some perseverance. It’s just interesting because unlike you, I’ve never had problems with toys smaller than 1.6 inches in diameter, and partnered penetrative sex was only painful with partners much larger than average… So I’m glad I didn’t have difficulty before but just find it funny that as of tomorrow (when another Tantus dildo arrives) I’ll have three dildos to train my body to accept more easily. Which I want to do despite being lazy because they’re nice toys. Anyway, thanks for sharing your experience, it’s helpful.

  33. Then I’m glad I decided to comment! Since then I haven’t put much time into it (yet), but did manage to use the Vamp (yay grab bag). it’s amazing how much shape and texture affects ability to insert toys with the same max diameter. The Captain looks so much girthier because it’s 1.75ish for days vs the Vamp, which is that for a moment XD

    Also now knowing measurements I understand why years ago despite classes to learn best practices I was unsuccessful at being fisted (by someone with tiny hands who had also attended the classes).

  34. Making sure you’re truly physically relaxed (and, ideally, aroused) is very important. Inserting anything in my vagina used to cause discomfort at best and pain at worst, but now I actually enjoy and crave insertion when I’m aroused. I’m only able to comfortably handle toys with a 1.25 inch diameter maximum right now, but that’s okay since I’m enjoying myself. Putting pressure on myself to hurry up and put bigger and bigger things in me (rather than waiting until I can feel my body actually want something bigger) just makes things worse. I started off with dilators since even my finger was uncomfortable. But my first dilators were too straight, hard, and unyielding, and maybe even too big. I had to find a 100% silicone one at 1/2 inch diameter to really start comfortably. (I got soul source silicone small set and it really helped me.) I’d insert the smallest one (I lubed it up and warmed it up a bit first) while totally relaxed watching tv in bed or while masturbating my clit and watching porn. Over time my vagina began to feel unfulfillingly empty with that one, so with extra lube and some patience, I moved to the next size. Now I actually thrust a bit, though just letting a comfortable toy of a satisfying size to me sit in there adds so much to a masturbation session in my opinion. The biggest thing that allowed me to take on bigger and bigger toys (increasing by about 1/8th of an inch in diameter each time) was letting go of feeling like I was “supposed” to be able to put things inside me and enjoy it like I was told pretty much all people with vaginas could. Once I started prioritizing my own physical pleasure instead of being mad at myself and trying to force my body to do things it wasn’t ready for, that changed my world. Also, teaching myself not to expect pain helped there to be less pain, since my vag muscles would tighten out of fear of anticipated pain. You gotta be patient with yourself and remember that this is about YOU and what FEELS GOOD TO YOU. Unfortunately that’s not something that is often taught or emphasized.

  35. The amateur gynecologist in me is super curious if your pain issues were tight muscles and nervousness or if you actually had really strong hymenal tissue that was making insertion painful early on in your reviewing career. This is a thing a lot of healthcare professionals aren’t looking for and it can cause a LOT of pain with insertion.

    I’m glad the times have changed and you can bring us epic reviews like “Taking Randy” now. 🙂

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